there is nothing that can surprise me anymore as far as how complex and connected the world is to itself. how fate works and how coincidences occur. and no one could ever make me believe that those "whoa..." moments aren't actually "god" moments. because there's no explanation other than a higher being at work controlling the universe. the reason i know this to be true is because i have been deeply involved in one of the hugest "whoaaaaaaa" stories in the history of being. and because i want you to believe me im going to tell it to you. i'll keep it as short as i can because i know you should probably be cleaning the bathroom or filling out a spreadsheet or cooking supper.
i am a dog lover. not a "aww, thats a cute dog pic you posted on social media" dog lover, but a "my dog is my favorite child" dog lover. like when i go to someones house, i want to pet their dog for 5 minutes before i say hi to the people, kinda dog lover. ive always had a dog. my whole life. but i wanted a little foofy lap dog. and my husband didnt. so we had this sort of tug-o-war between us for years.... until he eventually caved. and we rescued "doodle the wonder poodle" . it was instant love for all invloved (except the husband, he probably only let me get him so i would be quiet). doodle was part of the family and even grumpy husband loved him lots. i think everyone knows that i lost him. we went to my sisters wedding in florida february 5, 2012 and that is the last day i saw him. before we left i prayed protection over him. that he would be safe and content and no one would miss each other so much we couldnt function. (dont judge me, hes my favorite kid, remember?) it was that day that he was let out (just like usual) but he never came back home. i wont go into any further detail but if for some reason you want to read about my deepest anguish, heres that post. (fun times)
http://theffectoflove.blogspot.com/2013/02/doodle-wonder-poodle.html
i spent alot of time seeking god during this time and alot of time on facebook trying to find clues as to where he could be. trying to spread the word and his photo so that maybe someone would find him and bring him home...
i didnt find doodle, but i did find bridgette. this is the story of the biggest thing i ever did for jesus i guess. its pretty powerful, and im sure you know it, but just in case...
http://theffectoflove.blogspot.com/2013/02/something-big.html
yup. cool, huh. so fast forward to september 24, 2013. the day i gave my left kidney to bridgette. i didnt expect my story to end there, but it kinda did. i lost my dog, that search led me to "lose" an organ, in the midst of all that, i lost my church due to unfortunate circumstances where people (me included) got caught up in themselves and forgot about the real reason for the church. it was a really dark time for me. the fall and winter of 2013 was not my friend. i still missed my dog, i didnt miss my kidney, but i did miss the way my life was. the comfort of routine.
ok so here we are, october 2014. life as usual. kids in school, me trying to be a successful photographer (which is hard because im not a good business person) trying to keep the house clean (thats a big joke) and supper on the table (drive thru again people, we are too busy to be home to eat) and all the while, trying to be on fire for jesus. which, quite frankly, has been a little hard lately...
a dear friend was going through a tough time so i was spending alot of extra time praying for her and her situation. god answered prayers and blessed my friend, and in the midst of her blessings, he saw the need to bless me too.
i got a text wednesday night from a lady who had just delivered a rescue dog to a family. she said they had a dog already and she was certain it was my doodle. my heart skipped a beat but i didnt have any hopes up because i actually got lots of these kind of messages. my whole town has been on doodle watch since he has been gone. so the lady asked me a couple questions about him and then she sent me a pic of the dog she saw. a pic of my doodle. my heart lept from my chest, i dont think i breathed for a whole minute. it was him. it was doodle. after almost 2 whole years it was my doodle. and he looked goood. a little plumper than i remembered and sitting on somebodys bed. a million thoughts were racing through my mind and i was flooded with emotion. so i started to pray about it. pray that i did the right thing. pray that it all worked out. pray that, i dont know, i didnt know, so i prayed. the lady told me that doodle was in a great home with great people. she said they had just gotten him from a family member that wasnt able to care for him anymore. i felt great peace knowing he was safe. and alive, and happy. so i went to bed. in the morning after all the kids went off to school, i decided to facebook message the lady who had doodle. her name is "J". i just asked if she wouldnt mind telling me where she got him. J is the sweetest lady and was very willing to work with me. i asked if i could just come see him. she let me. she let me and the kids come to her house and see doodle. it was MAGNIFICENT. he remembered me. he liked me. he wanted me to hold him. i cried. alot. i cried two years worth of ache out. it felt amazing to look at that dog and exhale. in fact, we all cried. it was intense. as sure as i was that it was him, J wanted to make 100% sure it really was doodle. at this point it was just my word against her family members, who was not budging on her story... which was very different from mine. i was at peace with doodle being there with J. in fact, i wasnt even quite sure that i would take him from J. i knew the pain i felt when i lost him and i didnt wish it on a soul. i didnt want to hurt J and her family. i prayed about that too. i prayed that god would put doodle where he needed to be. so the kids and i left him there that day. i knew what a HUGE and powerful testimony that dog had been to so many through the whole kidney situation and i didnt want to ruin my witness, or taint the story god had wrote. so J and i decided that we would work together to find out doodles history and where he came from and be sure sure sure sure that he really was doodle, and not just a eerily similar random dog.
so for days i combed facebook. i asked people questions, i researched. i prayed. i cried. i wanted that dog in my arms so bad i couldnt hardly stand it, but i already loved J and i didnt want to hurt her or her precious family..... we looked into vet records, we chased rabbit trails all over the county. it wasnt until early saturday morning that i found the missing puzzle piece. a photo of the person J got doodle from. it was the photo that put everything together and made perfect sense of it all. i wont share who was in the photo or why it made sense, because honestly, i dont care how J got doodle. i dont care how the person that gave J doodle got him. the only thing that matters is that J believed me. and she wanted me to have dood back. so i went back to her house, and i got him. i got the dood. i got my baby. through a series of events that dont seem like much, doodle and my family were reunited. they werent circumstances, they werent "chance" they were each and every moment a piece of the puzzle that god was intricately forming.
the flood of emotions that has continued to course through me in this past week have been something i could never explain. the immensity of the situation is crippling. the awe i have for the complexity of gods plan is divine. i honestly feel like god revealed himself a little bit more to me through this. like he let me have a peek at his face. the comfort that i feel when i look at doodle is insurmountable. there IS a god who loves me. he gave me back my dog. please grasp this concept. every single human being is BORN a lost soul. its up to US to decide to be found. god intends for each of us to be with him in his family, but we have to want to. the level of celebration that is in my soul over the feeling of doodle not being lost anymore is insignificant compared to the elation that Christ has when one of us calls on his name and says, "rescue me. deliver me. save me. find me." we dont have to be lost.
i know that god gave doodle back for a reason. i know that He isnt done with me or my story. if nothing else, i have a new friend in J. if nothing else, my town sees an answered prayer of mine. if nothing else, i have been blessed. i am refreshed, renewed. life isnt perfect, but with this huge dose of "see, i havent forgotten you my child. i love you and i will prove it to you." from my heavenly father, i have a whole new sense of "bring it on!"
thank you to each of you that stood by me in prayer for doodle all this time. thank you to the people that walked with me through my sadness, through my surgery, through my recovery, through my wandering in the desert here lately. my gratitude to the ones who have celebrated with me this past week. i feel like my whole town loves doodle and i really do feel like we all got him back.
thank you god, for my answered prayer. i wont ever forget.
the stuff god wants me to say out loud. just for you.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
the different lent.
setting a trend and writing about things that society pressures me to do that causes me a bit of stress. im not writing to bash myself or attract waves of pity although it seems as if i am.... hmm. ha!
i will freely admit my faults and short comings if i think it could shed light to one single human, even if that human is just myself.
with that being said i will fall into the subject of lent. lent, i have been told, is for catholics, of which i am not. lent is old fashioned and this is a new era, says people. lent is when holy rollers flaunt their sacrifice like little "i love jesus more than you do" flag, lent is when i sneak in my "get ready for the bathing suit diet"... lent has been explained to me, countless times, by several different sources. i explain lent to my children. to me, lent is a time that we sacrifice something that we spend the most time or effort doing that ISNT godly and kindgom building. its a season that we give up something that is hard to live without so that when we would reach for that "thing" we feel a twinge of "ohhhhh man, darn it" and take a cleansing breath and realize, jesus died an unspeakably brutal and devastating death after living the most sacrificial life in the first place so that i can be a filthy sin ridden human and in the end receive the gift of eternal life in paradise that i will never deserve. (longest sentence in the history of sentences.) so really, lent is a big deal. and its not just for catholics. its for people that adore jesus christ and want to show him in a real way for themselves, that they are humbled and aware of the intensity of the ultimate sacrifice.
i will speak for myself only when i say that it is easy to cheapen lent. "everyone else is doing it so i have to" "i cant let beula out lent me" "ill give up something in public but find the lenten loophole so i can get breaks" "ill give up sugar because thats what i always give up" "ill just give up green beans, that will be easy"
part of the purpose of lent is to fill up the gap of what you gave up as well. sure, we can give up video games, but what do we do in that time that we would be playing minecraft? when i give up sugar the first week is death. i must drown myself in the bible and prayer because im going through withdrawl... sugar detox, and if i dont turn to jesus i will surely die. (sugar is more addictive than cocaine people) but after the complete hysteria is over for me and i become adjusted to the sugar free life, i dont need jesus as much anymore. i can handle it on my own, so, then its just a "thing", like just being a vegetarian or something. (which is a whole nother lent deal for sure) what kind of dumby am i?! geez. the fact that god even likes me is mind blowing, but that he WANTS me and forgives me and chooses to use me and all that is unfathomable.
so i take lent. i start out in the depths of despair going through hell living without my vice, leaning on jesus, getting all close to him and fulfilled and spiritually high, then i slowly revert back to the regular old (lame) me, just sugarless. so why even participate in lent...
wikipedia says its a solemn religious observance. that its the preparation of a believer through prayer and self denial (amongst other things like atonement and penance that i don't know what it means exactly) ok, so preparation for what? it starts 6 weeks before easter. its over on easter sunday. (aka the day i purge on sugar) so christian people (people who believe jesus came as a baby, lived, died on a cross for our sins then rose from the dead and went up to heaven and is now preparing paradise for us) follow jesus' example of sacrifice for 6 weeks then on the day that He rose from the dead (easter) we all stop sacrificing. well that makes perfect sense..... right? so the six weeks is preparation for the resurrection of Jesus. so we purge our lives of what we have made an idol (an idol is something we worship that isnt jesus. you give me a pan of brownies and i will show you some worship people, im just saying....) . we fill the hole of said idol with relationship with christ. so that this time of reverent sacrifice is us paralleling our way of living to the way that jesus lived. dude had no house. no coat to wear on chilly days, no backpack full of snacks. no transportation other than his own two legs. he lived day to day. on faith alone. he relied on his heavenly father to provide him with PEOPLE to care for him and feed him and give him shelter. he travelled. he wore his sandals out. he spread the beautiful news of the grace of god. he did this at a young age. please dont take anything i say hear as absolute truth because i really have no educated clue, but i think he moved out of his mommas house when he was about 26 years old and died when he was in his early 30's. if someone knows this fact for real please tell me right away. so he sacrificed for longer than 6 weeks. maybe for 6 years (debatable). so i did a little googling and here it is. the 6 weeks is actually broken down to mimic 40 days. (its actually longer than 40 days but theres rules like "sundays dont count because you arent supposed to do certain things on the sabbath yadda yadda -lenten loophole-)
before jesus began his ministry he went to the desert alone and fasted for 40 days. like, didnt eat. anything. for real. (please jesus dont make me do this) there is alot of smart people information that goes into all of the "six week" "40 day" "old testament" rules and such but i will just use my non smart person words to say that... jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days to PREPARE himself for the whole reason god sent him to earth in the first place. he fasted so that he could put his whole attention and focus on god and god alone. he didnt fast in his moms house. he didnt fast in his town. he didnt even fast in the neighboring town, or the forest. he fasted in a place where there is ZERO anything but the ground and the air. ok so no distractions. none. like, none. desert. do you know this? i am just now really wrapping my mind around it. every day is exactly the same. no different scenery or anything. no food source, no water source. just dry sand and hot air. (probably freezing cold at night) and he knew what his purpose on earth was. to die. i have to stop for a minute.
(i wish beth moore had a hotline)
ok, jesus was baptised. then he went immediatly to the desert to fast (for 40 days). then he embarked on his ministry of empowering followers to continue on with his testimony after his death. then he died, then on the third day he rose from the dead, met with his disciples really quick for one last meal together, then he went up to heaven right in front of his disciples faces. (this is all in the bible, read the book of Matthew)
so. if you knew what your lifes' whole purpose was. what would you do to prepare for it?
according to the book of matthew (28:16-20) our sole purpose in life is to go and make disciples. and since we are on the subject of the number one thing we should do, lets mention the number one command. its also in matthew. chapter 22 verse 34 through 40. we were made to love. true story. the first way we are to love is whole heartedly with all of our bodies and minds and strength, we are to love the Lord our God. and the second part of the love command is to love the people we share our world with. so that is our life purpose. to tell eveyone about jesus and to love their faces off while we do it. now, take 2 seconds (because thats plenty of time) to think of just one person that you in fact, do not love. at all. like, you would like to throat punch them. in public. twice. ok stop thinking about them. seriously, i know throat punching sounds glorious but stop. ha! ok, you were called to love that person. with every fiber of your being. could you go to their house right this second and pay their mortgage for them? cook them a steak dinner? wash their feet for them? sacrifice all you have to give them whatever they wanted? i doubt it. im pretty sure jesus knew his life purpose (to die for us) was going to be so hard that he wouldnt be able to do it. he grew up in a small town where his momma got pregnant before she was married. she told everyone it was by the holy spirit. i bet those people didnt believe her. they probably made fun of her. treated her like cheap lieing floozy. the kids jesus grew up around probably didnt like him. the bible says that jesus wasnt very pretty. (Isaiah 53:2) so im sure he didnt have a bunch of little giddy girls chasing after him. this being said, he had a pretty good idea of what the people he was going to die to save were like. yucky. like me, imaging throat punching someone. he had to prepare himself to save me. because im not worth being saved. he went to that desert to be so filled with god his father that when he went from town to town and was scoffed at, jeered at, rejected and denied, that he wouldnt throw up his hands and say "FORGET IT! ill die, but not for her. not that one. anyone else but her". and it took 40 whole days to purge those thoughts from his mind. 40 whole days to become equipped for his ministry. 40 whole days to prepare. (with no breaks on sundays)
i freely admit i have been in a desert. not of my own choice per say. i was called to leave my home, my family (figuratively speaking) my life.. i was called to follow god. so i did. i havent been taking advantage of my time in the desert. instead i have been standing in one spot with my head in the sand (insert token ostrich photo here) hiding from the inevitable. my calling. its a pretty predictable pattern in my life. nice. i think that this time though, this lent, its different. i think im finally mature enough to see it with seeing eyes, eyes like moses had (deuteronomy 34:7- God preserved moses' eyesight so that when the time came for him to look out over the promised land, he could see every part of it) i can see that lent isnt just a tradition. its a choice. its a choice to prepare myself for the ministry god has for my life. not only the lifelong command of making disciples, but the seasonal ministries that he has for me. so this 6th day of march in the year 2014, i publicly remove my pink head from the sand and i look upwards. to refuel my relationship with God my Father, and prepare myself to love the people i want to throat punch. ha! this season of lent will be one of as many less distractions as i can possibly muster. no instagram. no phone games. no things that suck the minutes out of my hours. a season of my bible in my hands and questions on my lips. a season of a student hungry for the words of the lord that will equip me for whats next. a season of time with my little family. a season to prepare my heart for the celebration of the life, death, and resurrection of my Lord and Savior. a season to allow god to prepare me for what HE wants for me. because even though lent is about US sacrificing, it was never supposed to be about us actually. always Him. so let lent begin, and don't forget the brownies...
i will freely admit my faults and short comings if i think it could shed light to one single human, even if that human is just myself.
with that being said i will fall into the subject of lent. lent, i have been told, is for catholics, of which i am not. lent is old fashioned and this is a new era, says people. lent is when holy rollers flaunt their sacrifice like little "i love jesus more than you do" flag, lent is when i sneak in my "get ready for the bathing suit diet"... lent has been explained to me, countless times, by several different sources. i explain lent to my children. to me, lent is a time that we sacrifice something that we spend the most time or effort doing that ISNT godly and kindgom building. its a season that we give up something that is hard to live without so that when we would reach for that "thing" we feel a twinge of "ohhhhh man, darn it" and take a cleansing breath and realize, jesus died an unspeakably brutal and devastating death after living the most sacrificial life in the first place so that i can be a filthy sin ridden human and in the end receive the gift of eternal life in paradise that i will never deserve. (longest sentence in the history of sentences.) so really, lent is a big deal. and its not just for catholics. its for people that adore jesus christ and want to show him in a real way for themselves, that they are humbled and aware of the intensity of the ultimate sacrifice.
i will speak for myself only when i say that it is easy to cheapen lent. "everyone else is doing it so i have to" "i cant let beula out lent me" "ill give up something in public but find the lenten loophole so i can get breaks" "ill give up sugar because thats what i always give up" "ill just give up green beans, that will be easy"
part of the purpose of lent is to fill up the gap of what you gave up as well. sure, we can give up video games, but what do we do in that time that we would be playing minecraft? when i give up sugar the first week is death. i must drown myself in the bible and prayer because im going through withdrawl... sugar detox, and if i dont turn to jesus i will surely die. (sugar is more addictive than cocaine people) but after the complete hysteria is over for me and i become adjusted to the sugar free life, i dont need jesus as much anymore. i can handle it on my own, so, then its just a "thing", like just being a vegetarian or something. (which is a whole nother lent deal for sure) what kind of dumby am i?! geez. the fact that god even likes me is mind blowing, but that he WANTS me and forgives me and chooses to use me and all that is unfathomable.
so i take lent. i start out in the depths of despair going through hell living without my vice, leaning on jesus, getting all close to him and fulfilled and spiritually high, then i slowly revert back to the regular old (lame) me, just sugarless. so why even participate in lent...
wikipedia says its a solemn religious observance. that its the preparation of a believer through prayer and self denial (amongst other things like atonement and penance that i don't know what it means exactly) ok, so preparation for what? it starts 6 weeks before easter. its over on easter sunday. (aka the day i purge on sugar) so christian people (people who believe jesus came as a baby, lived, died on a cross for our sins then rose from the dead and went up to heaven and is now preparing paradise for us) follow jesus' example of sacrifice for 6 weeks then on the day that He rose from the dead (easter) we all stop sacrificing. well that makes perfect sense..... right? so the six weeks is preparation for the resurrection of Jesus. so we purge our lives of what we have made an idol (an idol is something we worship that isnt jesus. you give me a pan of brownies and i will show you some worship people, im just saying....) . we fill the hole of said idol with relationship with christ. so that this time of reverent sacrifice is us paralleling our way of living to the way that jesus lived. dude had no house. no coat to wear on chilly days, no backpack full of snacks. no transportation other than his own two legs. he lived day to day. on faith alone. he relied on his heavenly father to provide him with PEOPLE to care for him and feed him and give him shelter. he travelled. he wore his sandals out. he spread the beautiful news of the grace of god. he did this at a young age. please dont take anything i say hear as absolute truth because i really have no educated clue, but i think he moved out of his mommas house when he was about 26 years old and died when he was in his early 30's. if someone knows this fact for real please tell me right away. so he sacrificed for longer than 6 weeks. maybe for 6 years (debatable). so i did a little googling and here it is. the 6 weeks is actually broken down to mimic 40 days. (its actually longer than 40 days but theres rules like "sundays dont count because you arent supposed to do certain things on the sabbath yadda yadda -lenten loophole-)
before jesus began his ministry he went to the desert alone and fasted for 40 days. like, didnt eat. anything. for real. (please jesus dont make me do this) there is alot of smart people information that goes into all of the "six week" "40 day" "old testament" rules and such but i will just use my non smart person words to say that... jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days to PREPARE himself for the whole reason god sent him to earth in the first place. he fasted so that he could put his whole attention and focus on god and god alone. he didnt fast in his moms house. he didnt fast in his town. he didnt even fast in the neighboring town, or the forest. he fasted in a place where there is ZERO anything but the ground and the air. ok so no distractions. none. like, none. desert. do you know this? i am just now really wrapping my mind around it. every day is exactly the same. no different scenery or anything. no food source, no water source. just dry sand and hot air. (probably freezing cold at night) and he knew what his purpose on earth was. to die. i have to stop for a minute.
(i wish beth moore had a hotline)
ok, jesus was baptised. then he went immediatly to the desert to fast (for 40 days). then he embarked on his ministry of empowering followers to continue on with his testimony after his death. then he died, then on the third day he rose from the dead, met with his disciples really quick for one last meal together, then he went up to heaven right in front of his disciples faces. (this is all in the bible, read the book of Matthew)
so. if you knew what your lifes' whole purpose was. what would you do to prepare for it?
according to the book of matthew (28:16-20) our sole purpose in life is to go and make disciples. and since we are on the subject of the number one thing we should do, lets mention the number one command. its also in matthew. chapter 22 verse 34 through 40. we were made to love. true story. the first way we are to love is whole heartedly with all of our bodies and minds and strength, we are to love the Lord our God. and the second part of the love command is to love the people we share our world with. so that is our life purpose. to tell eveyone about jesus and to love their faces off while we do it. now, take 2 seconds (because thats plenty of time) to think of just one person that you in fact, do not love. at all. like, you would like to throat punch them. in public. twice. ok stop thinking about them. seriously, i know throat punching sounds glorious but stop. ha! ok, you were called to love that person. with every fiber of your being. could you go to their house right this second and pay their mortgage for them? cook them a steak dinner? wash their feet for them? sacrifice all you have to give them whatever they wanted? i doubt it. im pretty sure jesus knew his life purpose (to die for us) was going to be so hard that he wouldnt be able to do it. he grew up in a small town where his momma got pregnant before she was married. she told everyone it was by the holy spirit. i bet those people didnt believe her. they probably made fun of her. treated her like cheap lieing floozy. the kids jesus grew up around probably didnt like him. the bible says that jesus wasnt very pretty. (Isaiah 53:2) so im sure he didnt have a bunch of little giddy girls chasing after him. this being said, he had a pretty good idea of what the people he was going to die to save were like. yucky. like me, imaging throat punching someone. he had to prepare himself to save me. because im not worth being saved. he went to that desert to be so filled with god his father that when he went from town to town and was scoffed at, jeered at, rejected and denied, that he wouldnt throw up his hands and say "FORGET IT! ill die, but not for her. not that one. anyone else but her". and it took 40 whole days to purge those thoughts from his mind. 40 whole days to become equipped for his ministry. 40 whole days to prepare. (with no breaks on sundays)
i freely admit i have been in a desert. not of my own choice per say. i was called to leave my home, my family (figuratively speaking) my life.. i was called to follow god. so i did. i havent been taking advantage of my time in the desert. instead i have been standing in one spot with my head in the sand (insert token ostrich photo here) hiding from the inevitable. my calling. its a pretty predictable pattern in my life. nice. i think that this time though, this lent, its different. i think im finally mature enough to see it with seeing eyes, eyes like moses had (deuteronomy 34:7- God preserved moses' eyesight so that when the time came for him to look out over the promised land, he could see every part of it) i can see that lent isnt just a tradition. its a choice. its a choice to prepare myself for the ministry god has for my life. not only the lifelong command of making disciples, but the seasonal ministries that he has for me. so this 6th day of march in the year 2014, i publicly remove my pink head from the sand and i look upwards. to refuel my relationship with God my Father, and prepare myself to love the people i want to throat punch. ha! this season of lent will be one of as many less distractions as i can possibly muster. no instagram. no phone games. no things that suck the minutes out of my hours. a season of my bible in my hands and questions on my lips. a season of a student hungry for the words of the lord that will equip me for whats next. a season of time with my little family. a season to prepare my heart for the celebration of the life, death, and resurrection of my Lord and Savior. a season to allow god to prepare me for what HE wants for me. because even though lent is about US sacrificing, it was never supposed to be about us actually. always Him. so let lent begin, and don't forget the brownies...
Thursday, January 2, 2014
a brave little donut eater
word of the year.
its put me in a downward spiral.
i suppose i was already spinning, i havent had the best last couple months in my whole life...
i feel like my heart hasnt been in being alive. which is dreadful because i really have nothing to complain about. i am a blessed human. its just a terrible circumstance has thrust me into a place of depression and its hard to rise above it.
seeing everyones pretty words of their years makes it worse. it seems everyone has everything together and they have had this divine appointment and were perfectly matched to a special word. so then wheres mine. i feel like somewhere people got in a line to receive enlightenment to their futures and no one told me about the line. and now the only thing left is the confetti on the floor...
so i guess even thought im too late to announce my anthem for the new year at the stroke of midnight on january one, i will still try to pick one.
im a list girl. so i will go that route.
i have a whole house next door to mine that is just for my creative outlet. my studio. for photography, for art classes, for fellowship, for friends, for parties... god gave it to me. he provides miraculously for me to keep it. but all it is is a giant storage unit. for three years it has been used to collect all the stuff that doesnt fit into my house. which is alot because apparently im a hoarder. i try to organize it but im not good at it. in fact im afraid of it. because it doesnt make sense to me, i just want to avoid it. maybe my word should be ORGANIZE. ive started working over there. sorting yarn, fabric, and ribbon by color. putting office stuff in the office and craft stuff in the workroom. i have a huge stack of "get this out of here" stuff. i admit just writing this down makes my have anxiety. i hate it. it makes me feel like a loser that i dont appreciate and use to potential what i have. i know people who would be able to take over the world with that space and i do nothing with it but run away from it. i dont want my word to be organize.
i am a photographer. some people love my work. i have a busy schedule with this and because of the above mentioned inability to organize i have made it harder for myself than it should be. i have everything i need to be a great picture taker but i lack knowledge of equipment and confidence. i see other photographers' work and then look at mine and i get so discouraged. im afraid to put myself out there because i dont want to let anyone down with poor work. what if i mess up their session and they waste their money on me because im not that good.. should my word be KNOWLEDGE? taking classes may help me. im nervous though.. .i've tried reading the camera manual and it makes my head swim. i dont understand it. so i avoid it. notice a theme?
im not a very good momma. i have 4 of the greatest kids alive. they are mine for a reason and i disregard the importance of this. i am so busy being unorganized that i dont have time for them. i see other moms doing amazing little things with their families building memories and moments and im just sitting in the recliner or in front of my photoshop program being stressed out and grouchy. i blame things like, no time, no money, nothing to do in this town... the days slip by and nothing changes. instead of getting better i just get worse. each morning is a new chance to improve and i refuse it. my oldest is moving out this summer. what will she tell her new life about her old life? what are her memories? i feel like i let her down and its too late. and surely i cant do better with the other 3 because thats not fair to her... should my word be FAMILY?
and dont get me started on being a wife. my poor husband. guarantee he never meant to sign up for this.
i have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. so many of them. i dont talk to them much anymore. leaving our church has put the biggest gap between us. people say they will be friends forever no matter what but its not true. its impossible to be friends with someone unless you have a common bond. there has to be something that makes you think of that person. if you dont think of them than how will you make the effort to be in their life. amazing how just seeing someone on sunday mornings is a common thread. when that one day is taken away, it takes away everything. i didnt intend for it to be that way. i guess the pain of leaving my church family caused me to build a wall, or rather, dig a hole. why cant i be a better friend? send cards, make phone calls, book lunch dates, listen, spend time.... INTENTIONAL would be a good word for me. it would cover alot, too, not just friendship. if i was intentional about everything i did i would be so awesome at life. but how can i be intentional about things that scare me to death. can my word me HIDE.
i know one thing to be true. hes my friend jesus. he is the one true constant. hes always there for me and always brings me through. he is the guiding light for me always. it is easy for me to say this, but practically impossible for me to embrace and live. i know who he is, i know he is there, i know he loves me. but i want to know him more. i am hungry to learn him. to learn him like i never have before. having a healthy strong relationship with christ is the key to a content life. contentment in happiness, in sorrow, contentment in pain and in rejoicing. its obvious i have terrible relationships with the humans in my life, and the one with my savior is just as fractured. i could apply all my word suggestions to my relationship with jesus. organize my studies and not just think reading a verse of the day on my phone counts as daily devotion time. making knowledge my main focus, being a student of the word each day. intentionally and completely allowing the word of the lord to be what sustains me. to be the fuel for my life. completely accepting that i am in gods family. that i am his chosen one. that i am his beloved child, a princess, daughter of the king. and when the weight of the world and my shortfalls come at me from all angles and crush me, i can hide in him. i can settle in his arms and allow him to take the sufferings i am enslaved by away. should my word of the year be JESUS? i dont think i could live up to it. and what if i say it would be and then dont follow through. i know i let him down anyway but to say it out loud and share it with the universe and then fall short in public.....
stupid word of the year. all it does is make me realize what a train wreck i am. maybe my word should just be DONUT. i know i can live up to that. i can rock the word donut like a champ. i wont let it down, i wont let myself down. maybe it will give me confidence and make me think im not a total failure.... ill probably just get fatter. and that will start a whole new downward spiral. dang it.
i have potential. i was created in christs' image. i am intended for greatness. i am a masterpiece. so what is my problem? what am i afraid of? what am i hiding from? why am i allowing myself to fall behind instead of bursting forward? why am i behaving like a loser instead of a winner? i feel afraid. of what i do not know. just afraid. should my word be BRAVE?
brave - ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear.
im afraid to be brave because i have seen the bottom of my various pits and its really scary and hard. i am afraid to be brave because i have been a part of other people's pits and i know that anything can happen to me. im afraid that if i give complete control of my life to god that the enemy will attack me where it hurts. what if by taking a stand for bravery i get attacked even harder?
by being brave in my art house it could open up and tons of people will want to come there. how will i handle that? by being brave in photography i might become successful and have no time for anything else. by being brave with my family i will have to be a good mom and oh my word that will be so much work. being a consistent parent? ugh. and a brave wife would mean i would have a whole list of things that i dont even want to imagine. being a brave student of christ would take away precious hours of time. am i willing to be that unselfish? a brave friend would mean developing deep relationships with people. i dont even know if i have time or energy for that. being brave means i cant hide. i have to face life and the danger and pain it promises. being a brave jesus lover? standing up for who he is and what he promises..... talk about being persecuted. who in the world is that brave? well, who except for phil robertson of course.
i want to be brave, but im not ready to face and endure pain or danger. and i have zero courage.
what i want:
the art house to be fully functional and organized to its greatest potential.
to make enough money to pay half the family bills and be able to have extra to help people who need it.
to be proud of the photographs i take
to not have to do any office work
my kids to have at least one good life memory a week
to not be addicted to sugar
to have muscles and no muffin top
to be the kind of friend that everyone wants
to be a devoted student of the bible
to have a relationship with jesus that surpasses everything else ive ever known
i want to be a really effective praying person
to eat delicious donuts at least once a week
i want to help women who suffer like i do
i want to live up to my potential
i want to not be stressed out with my schedule
to have time to crochet in the evenings
i want to do a couple things really well, not a lot of things decently
i want to be able to say no to things that i really like doing if it means i will be stressed out by my schedule
i want to be brave.
psalm 27:14 new king james
wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, i say, on the lord!
13 & 14 the message
Im sure now ill see Gods goodness in the exuberant earth. stay with God! take heart. dont quit. ill say it again; stay with God.
14 new living translation
wait patiently for the lord. be brave and courageous. yes, wait patiently for the lord.
14 new international version
wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the lord.
i think in order to be brave i have to rely on the lord. i think i have to wait on him. i dont really know what wait on the lord really actually means. but i am pretty sure that it would have something to do with me stepping back and not doing exactly what i want and letting god do what he intended. i think i may be waiting on him now and because im not being brave and courageous it is sucking. i dont know what being brave even looks like right now. i dont know how to take the first step. i will start by praying and admitting defeat in front of jesus. i will give him the reins and allow him to lead me. i will try to turn off the control button and get out of the drivers seat. i will get in the backseat. and eat a donut. and if its not too late to announce my word of the year, id like to. its BRAVE.
its put me in a downward spiral.
i suppose i was already spinning, i havent had the best last couple months in my whole life...
i feel like my heart hasnt been in being alive. which is dreadful because i really have nothing to complain about. i am a blessed human. its just a terrible circumstance has thrust me into a place of depression and its hard to rise above it.
seeing everyones pretty words of their years makes it worse. it seems everyone has everything together and they have had this divine appointment and were perfectly matched to a special word. so then wheres mine. i feel like somewhere people got in a line to receive enlightenment to their futures and no one told me about the line. and now the only thing left is the confetti on the floor...
so i guess even thought im too late to announce my anthem for the new year at the stroke of midnight on january one, i will still try to pick one.
im a list girl. so i will go that route.
i have a whole house next door to mine that is just for my creative outlet. my studio. for photography, for art classes, for fellowship, for friends, for parties... god gave it to me. he provides miraculously for me to keep it. but all it is is a giant storage unit. for three years it has been used to collect all the stuff that doesnt fit into my house. which is alot because apparently im a hoarder. i try to organize it but im not good at it. in fact im afraid of it. because it doesnt make sense to me, i just want to avoid it. maybe my word should be ORGANIZE. ive started working over there. sorting yarn, fabric, and ribbon by color. putting office stuff in the office and craft stuff in the workroom. i have a huge stack of "get this out of here" stuff. i admit just writing this down makes my have anxiety. i hate it. it makes me feel like a loser that i dont appreciate and use to potential what i have. i know people who would be able to take over the world with that space and i do nothing with it but run away from it. i dont want my word to be organize.
i am a photographer. some people love my work. i have a busy schedule with this and because of the above mentioned inability to organize i have made it harder for myself than it should be. i have everything i need to be a great picture taker but i lack knowledge of equipment and confidence. i see other photographers' work and then look at mine and i get so discouraged. im afraid to put myself out there because i dont want to let anyone down with poor work. what if i mess up their session and they waste their money on me because im not that good.. should my word be KNOWLEDGE? taking classes may help me. im nervous though.. .i've tried reading the camera manual and it makes my head swim. i dont understand it. so i avoid it. notice a theme?
im not a very good momma. i have 4 of the greatest kids alive. they are mine for a reason and i disregard the importance of this. i am so busy being unorganized that i dont have time for them. i see other moms doing amazing little things with their families building memories and moments and im just sitting in the recliner or in front of my photoshop program being stressed out and grouchy. i blame things like, no time, no money, nothing to do in this town... the days slip by and nothing changes. instead of getting better i just get worse. each morning is a new chance to improve and i refuse it. my oldest is moving out this summer. what will she tell her new life about her old life? what are her memories? i feel like i let her down and its too late. and surely i cant do better with the other 3 because thats not fair to her... should my word be FAMILY?
and dont get me started on being a wife. my poor husband. guarantee he never meant to sign up for this.
i have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. so many of them. i dont talk to them much anymore. leaving our church has put the biggest gap between us. people say they will be friends forever no matter what but its not true. its impossible to be friends with someone unless you have a common bond. there has to be something that makes you think of that person. if you dont think of them than how will you make the effort to be in their life. amazing how just seeing someone on sunday mornings is a common thread. when that one day is taken away, it takes away everything. i didnt intend for it to be that way. i guess the pain of leaving my church family caused me to build a wall, or rather, dig a hole. why cant i be a better friend? send cards, make phone calls, book lunch dates, listen, spend time.... INTENTIONAL would be a good word for me. it would cover alot, too, not just friendship. if i was intentional about everything i did i would be so awesome at life. but how can i be intentional about things that scare me to death. can my word me HIDE.
i know one thing to be true. hes my friend jesus. he is the one true constant. hes always there for me and always brings me through. he is the guiding light for me always. it is easy for me to say this, but practically impossible for me to embrace and live. i know who he is, i know he is there, i know he loves me. but i want to know him more. i am hungry to learn him. to learn him like i never have before. having a healthy strong relationship with christ is the key to a content life. contentment in happiness, in sorrow, contentment in pain and in rejoicing. its obvious i have terrible relationships with the humans in my life, and the one with my savior is just as fractured. i could apply all my word suggestions to my relationship with jesus. organize my studies and not just think reading a verse of the day on my phone counts as daily devotion time. making knowledge my main focus, being a student of the word each day. intentionally and completely allowing the word of the lord to be what sustains me. to be the fuel for my life. completely accepting that i am in gods family. that i am his chosen one. that i am his beloved child, a princess, daughter of the king. and when the weight of the world and my shortfalls come at me from all angles and crush me, i can hide in him. i can settle in his arms and allow him to take the sufferings i am enslaved by away. should my word of the year be JESUS? i dont think i could live up to it. and what if i say it would be and then dont follow through. i know i let him down anyway but to say it out loud and share it with the universe and then fall short in public.....
stupid word of the year. all it does is make me realize what a train wreck i am. maybe my word should just be DONUT. i know i can live up to that. i can rock the word donut like a champ. i wont let it down, i wont let myself down. maybe it will give me confidence and make me think im not a total failure.... ill probably just get fatter. and that will start a whole new downward spiral. dang it.
i have potential. i was created in christs' image. i am intended for greatness. i am a masterpiece. so what is my problem? what am i afraid of? what am i hiding from? why am i allowing myself to fall behind instead of bursting forward? why am i behaving like a loser instead of a winner? i feel afraid. of what i do not know. just afraid. should my word be BRAVE?
brave - ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear.
im afraid to be brave because i have seen the bottom of my various pits and its really scary and hard. i am afraid to be brave because i have been a part of other people's pits and i know that anything can happen to me. im afraid that if i give complete control of my life to god that the enemy will attack me where it hurts. what if by taking a stand for bravery i get attacked even harder?
by being brave in my art house it could open up and tons of people will want to come there. how will i handle that? by being brave in photography i might become successful and have no time for anything else. by being brave with my family i will have to be a good mom and oh my word that will be so much work. being a consistent parent? ugh. and a brave wife would mean i would have a whole list of things that i dont even want to imagine. being a brave student of christ would take away precious hours of time. am i willing to be that unselfish? a brave friend would mean developing deep relationships with people. i dont even know if i have time or energy for that. being brave means i cant hide. i have to face life and the danger and pain it promises. being a brave jesus lover? standing up for who he is and what he promises..... talk about being persecuted. who in the world is that brave? well, who except for phil robertson of course.
i want to be brave, but im not ready to face and endure pain or danger. and i have zero courage.
what i want:
the art house to be fully functional and organized to its greatest potential.
to make enough money to pay half the family bills and be able to have extra to help people who need it.
to be proud of the photographs i take
to not have to do any office work
my kids to have at least one good life memory a week
to not be addicted to sugar
to have muscles and no muffin top
to be the kind of friend that everyone wants
to be a devoted student of the bible
to have a relationship with jesus that surpasses everything else ive ever known
i want to be a really effective praying person
to eat delicious donuts at least once a week
i want to help women who suffer like i do
i want to live up to my potential
i want to not be stressed out with my schedule
to have time to crochet in the evenings
i want to do a couple things really well, not a lot of things decently
i want to be able to say no to things that i really like doing if it means i will be stressed out by my schedule
i want to be brave.
psalm 27:14 new king james
wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, i say, on the lord!
13 & 14 the message
Im sure now ill see Gods goodness in the exuberant earth. stay with God! take heart. dont quit. ill say it again; stay with God.
14 new living translation
wait patiently for the lord. be brave and courageous. yes, wait patiently for the lord.
14 new international version
wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the lord.
i think in order to be brave i have to rely on the lord. i think i have to wait on him. i dont really know what wait on the lord really actually means. but i am pretty sure that it would have something to do with me stepping back and not doing exactly what i want and letting god do what he intended. i think i may be waiting on him now and because im not being brave and courageous it is sucking. i dont know what being brave even looks like right now. i dont know how to take the first step. i will start by praying and admitting defeat in front of jesus. i will give him the reins and allow him to lead me. i will try to turn off the control button and get out of the drivers seat. i will get in the backseat. and eat a donut. and if its not too late to announce my word of the year, id like to. its BRAVE.
Wait
for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for
the LORD. - See more at:
http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf
Wait
for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for
the LORD. - See more at:
http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf
Wait
for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for
the LORD. - See more at:
http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
something big
ok lets face it. facebook is lame. ive had it, been addicted to it, quit it, unfriended, friended, picked it back up, loved it, hated it, loved it, hated it.... and that was all just in ONE day.... ive used it as a helpful tool, and shamefully, as a weapon. ive urged people to join it and forbidden my children to even THINK about creating an account. ive uploaded a zillion pics i want everyone to see, and have dreaded photos that others have posted that i wish were never taken.
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i had finally had enough and decided that the only way to leave behind such negativity was to just walk away from a pretty big source. it was only after a series of events that i finally made up my mind, wrote out some sort of bold anthem that i hoped would inspire someone, posted it as my status, and quit. i even deleted the facebook app. the horrors! there was nothing worthy of me peeking on facebook again. i felt liberated. it was awesome! now lets talk about my instagram obsession.... instagram is social media, but its different. there is ZERO negativity, zero miscommunication, zero back stabbing and gossip. in my experience, its a community of mothers that god has put in my life to get me through days i didnt even need i needed help getting through. it has amazed me the connections i have made in mommas across the globe and how they have played parts in situations in my life. i could go on for paragraphs and give exact names and stories and many "aha" moments i have had. but i will spare that at the sake of getting off track. except for one. her name is farmgirlpaints i mean becky :) let me tell you this woman is a woman of god. the wife and mother she is, the crafter and christ follower she is, i am breathless to know she is MY friend. she inspires me deeply on many levels. this past saturday she posted a lovely "selfie" with a verse. it wasnt the first time. she often posts verses. this one meant so much to me considering all that i have been going through with the loss of doodle. (see "doodle the wonder poodle" post) i read it many times over then jotted it down on the notepad beside my keyboard. Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" perfect for me in this chapter of my life. i decided it was going to be my new anthem and that i would somehow make it into a sign to hang up in my house as a reminder.
im going to talk about doodle just for a minute. losing doodle thrust me back onto facebook. i figured that was the most effective way to search for him. just glancing over the news feed and not traveling to friends pages, ive been focused on any news for a poodle named doodle. ive added a million new friends out of furthering awareness of doodle, people i have never met and will never know. last night there was a random post from a "friend" i dont know right at the top of the feed. some kid holding up a poster and it said "i wear green" well, green is my favorite color, so i read it.
rabbit trail.... i ran into a woman that was a dear friend to my mom over 20 years ago when our familys both lived in ohio. somehow i end up living in mt sterling and somehow this woman ends up living here too. bizarre. anyway, i ran into this lady, wendy.. she was telling me that she had just gotten a kidney transplant and that it was the best thing that has happened to her and how well she was doing. it really blessed me to hear that and i kept telling her so. i also shared with her that i have always known i was going to donate a kidney. ever since i can remember ive known this. we spoke for about 10 minutes and parted ways. hadnt seen or talked to this woman in a million years remember. ok, back to story.
the boy holding a sign about wearing green. its for his sister, bridgette. she needs a kidney. hmm, i was intrigued because, one, i have an extra kidney, and two, i like green, and three, because i instantly recognized all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. doodle gone equals renewed facebook time, new stranger friends, chance encounters with people from my childhood... who just got a kidney..... so with heart pounding i glance over this page,
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beautiful-Bridgette/406154742810658
and see that, she is in ohio (where i am from, where we lived while i knew wendy), she has a daughter, a concerned momma and family, and, we share a blood type. oh my gosh. instantly my body was over taken by pins and needles and i began praying like a maniac. with sweaty palms i sent a message. i prayed through out the night and during the morning routine. let me share quickly what ive come to understand over the past couple days.
we can give ourself to god, and want and pray for something big to happen to us, but if we dont surrender what WE want for ourselves then it can never develop into anything truly "god big". only when we align ourselves with the will of christ will we ever be able to reach our potential. i learned that i may have a heart plan to go a certain direction and surely since god is the owner of my heart, my direction is my god ordained destiny, but that only He who made me can direct my steps. i prayed specifically on sunday that god would reveal to me what my something big would be. something that i could do as me, to make Me something big. i wasnt really expecting any sort of billboard announcement from him, ive heard about people hearing direct words from god and concrete directions but i dont know if i ever really had, so i was just saying, hook me up jesus dude, but figuring it to not be a big deal. i mean, i know me pretty well, and im kinda a hot mess, i couldnt really handle a huge responsibility like becoming a preacher or a upstanding citizen or anything. im just a rainbow tornado blowing through life, nothing fancy. yeah, so jesus sure does have a sense of humor? or a grand plan to involve all those willing that is so intricate and delicate and involved that we as humans could never explain, understand, or make up.
so i get the kids off to school and decide to check my facebook to see if i have a reply from the green wearing kidney people.. i did. i got a quick rundown of bridgettes disease and all the struggles she has faced.
i didnt want to give false hope to this family, i know its painful sting, so i just responded with the fact that i and my husband were praying about this today and asked if she would join us. not knowing if she even knew who jesus was or what prayer meant, i didnt care. i was just putting it out there for her. ok sit down because im about to drive you all into a billboard.
she responded with one simple thing. a bible verse.. guess which one?
Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
holy swiss cheese batman. thats whats up.
you align yourself, you seek the lord, you pray out of humble desperation, you make yourself available no matter what the cost, he WILL use you. you ARE worth it to him. he knew about you and your bad hair days and dirty little secrets, your heart strings and stengths, he knew about the freckle under your armpit and your deformed pinky toe when he was hanging out in the garden with adam and eve. and he knew EXACTLY what he wanted you to do for him. i am telling you this with confidence out of my own real experiences. i am shoving this down your throat with every ounce of love i have in my body. you have to know this and understand this. if god has stood by MY side through the entire first crappy 36 chapters of my feeble life oh so patiently, then hear this. he is standing beside you as well. he tells us and tells us and whispers and screams and taps us and pushes us and even pulls the rug out from under us. its only when we take our own selfish fingers out of our ears that we can hear him and live out the rich and plentiful blessings that he has in store for us.
you know what you want. give the map of your heart to christ, let go of it, dont even keep a pinch onto the corner of it. let go. give it up. if you gave your heart to jesus that map doesnt belong to you anyway. set it down, walk away, and follow in the footsteps that god puts in front of you. close your eyes if you have to. but just do it. its liberating. its freeing, its life changing. its something BIG.
jesus my poppa. the one who knit me together in my mothers womb. the one who gave life to friends that you know i need. my creator and lover, my guide through my course. i lay at your feet in blissful peace. a peace brought on by pain. a peace i had to learn. i am so blessed by you today god. i am so in love with you today god. i thank you for answered prayers. i thank you for choosing me, i thank you for your patience, i thank you for loving me enough to use me. i pray for an extra army to protect me as i know the enemy will surely attack me. you are all powerful and in that power i pray your name and guidance in my life. i pray for my something big to just get bigger every day. i pray i will never be satisfied with where i am and that i will always hunger for more of what you have for me. loving you to the moon and back, amen.
im going to talk about doodle just for a minute. losing doodle thrust me back onto facebook. i figured that was the most effective way to search for him. just glancing over the news feed and not traveling to friends pages, ive been focused on any news for a poodle named doodle. ive added a million new friends out of furthering awareness of doodle, people i have never met and will never know. last night there was a random post from a "friend" i dont know right at the top of the feed. some kid holding up a poster and it said "i wear green" well, green is my favorite color, so i read it.
rabbit trail.... i ran into a woman that was a dear friend to my mom over 20 years ago when our familys both lived in ohio. somehow i end up living in mt sterling and somehow this woman ends up living here too. bizarre. anyway, i ran into this lady, wendy.. she was telling me that she had just gotten a kidney transplant and that it was the best thing that has happened to her and how well she was doing. it really blessed me to hear that and i kept telling her so. i also shared with her that i have always known i was going to donate a kidney. ever since i can remember ive known this. we spoke for about 10 minutes and parted ways. hadnt seen or talked to this woman in a million years remember. ok, back to story.
the boy holding a sign about wearing green. its for his sister, bridgette. she needs a kidney. hmm, i was intrigued because, one, i have an extra kidney, and two, i like green, and three, because i instantly recognized all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. doodle gone equals renewed facebook time, new stranger friends, chance encounters with people from my childhood... who just got a kidney..... so with heart pounding i glance over this page,
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beautiful-Bridgette/406154742810658
and see that, she is in ohio (where i am from, where we lived while i knew wendy), she has a daughter, a concerned momma and family, and, we share a blood type. oh my gosh. instantly my body was over taken by pins and needles and i began praying like a maniac. with sweaty palms i sent a message. i prayed through out the night and during the morning routine. let me share quickly what ive come to understand over the past couple days.
we can give ourself to god, and want and pray for something big to happen to us, but if we dont surrender what WE want for ourselves then it can never develop into anything truly "god big". only when we align ourselves with the will of christ will we ever be able to reach our potential. i learned that i may have a heart plan to go a certain direction and surely since god is the owner of my heart, my direction is my god ordained destiny, but that only He who made me can direct my steps. i prayed specifically on sunday that god would reveal to me what my something big would be. something that i could do as me, to make Me something big. i wasnt really expecting any sort of billboard announcement from him, ive heard about people hearing direct words from god and concrete directions but i dont know if i ever really had, so i was just saying, hook me up jesus dude, but figuring it to not be a big deal. i mean, i know me pretty well, and im kinda a hot mess, i couldnt really handle a huge responsibility like becoming a preacher or a upstanding citizen or anything. im just a rainbow tornado blowing through life, nothing fancy. yeah, so jesus sure does have a sense of humor? or a grand plan to involve all those willing that is so intricate and delicate and involved that we as humans could never explain, understand, or make up.
so i get the kids off to school and decide to check my facebook to see if i have a reply from the green wearing kidney people.. i did. i got a quick rundown of bridgettes disease and all the struggles she has faced.
i didnt want to give false hope to this family, i know its painful sting, so i just responded with the fact that i and my husband were praying about this today and asked if she would join us. not knowing if she even knew who jesus was or what prayer meant, i didnt care. i was just putting it out there for her. ok sit down because im about to drive you all into a billboard.
she responded with one simple thing. a bible verse.. guess which one?
Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
holy swiss cheese batman. thats whats up.
you align yourself, you seek the lord, you pray out of humble desperation, you make yourself available no matter what the cost, he WILL use you. you ARE worth it to him. he knew about you and your bad hair days and dirty little secrets, your heart strings and stengths, he knew about the freckle under your armpit and your deformed pinky toe when he was hanging out in the garden with adam and eve. and he knew EXACTLY what he wanted you to do for him. i am telling you this with confidence out of my own real experiences. i am shoving this down your throat with every ounce of love i have in my body. you have to know this and understand this. if god has stood by MY side through the entire first crappy 36 chapters of my feeble life oh so patiently, then hear this. he is standing beside you as well. he tells us and tells us and whispers and screams and taps us and pushes us and even pulls the rug out from under us. its only when we take our own selfish fingers out of our ears that we can hear him and live out the rich and plentiful blessings that he has in store for us.
you know what you want. give the map of your heart to christ, let go of it, dont even keep a pinch onto the corner of it. let go. give it up. if you gave your heart to jesus that map doesnt belong to you anyway. set it down, walk away, and follow in the footsteps that god puts in front of you. close your eyes if you have to. but just do it. its liberating. its freeing, its life changing. its something BIG.
jesus my poppa. the one who knit me together in my mothers womb. the one who gave life to friends that you know i need. my creator and lover, my guide through my course. i lay at your feet in blissful peace. a peace brought on by pain. a peace i had to learn. i am so blessed by you today god. i am so in love with you today god. i thank you for answered prayers. i thank you for choosing me, i thank you for your patience, i thank you for loving me enough to use me. i pray for an extra army to protect me as i know the enemy will surely attack me. you are all powerful and in that power i pray your name and guidance in my life. i pray for my something big to just get bigger every day. i pray i will never be satisfied with where i am and that i will always hunger for more of what you have for me. loving you to the moon and back, amen.
Friday, February 15, 2013
doodle the wonder poodle
ive been through alot of struggles in my life. pretty much could say "been there, done that" in any situation. some experiences i handled with more grace than others, but honestly i can admit that to this day not one was handled properly. by properly i mean that i dont think i learned exactly what i needed to learn. our entire lives we are a student. some have different teachers than others. i enrolled in the school of christ as a kid, and although ive snuck out countless times, im still on the roster. how many times have i stood in the corner, had to write 100 times on the chalkboard a promise for better choices.... i honestly dont know. seriously, until this season in my life i can say i never had my eyes open wide enough to even know i was facing retribution. the "theology" definition for retribution is "punishment or reward distributed in a future life based on performance in this one." ive never believed god to "punish" anyone for any reason. but it is now that i finally understand what all this "obey, learn, mold, teach, pattern for living, control, warfare, blah blah blah,..." christianity mumbo jumbo is. all the comparisons in the bible that are nice and pretty, that people make songs out of and posters and base sermons on. "he is the potter, we are the clay." "he is the precious metal refiner, we are raw silver" "he is the shepherd, we are the lost sheep" lovely sayings, they make nice cards. and to think that my whole life could have gone by and i never would have understood, i never would have truly known my teacher.
im an animal person. always have been. ive always had dogs, cats, and almost always lived on a farm and had horses and other various barnyard critters. ive seen some come and go. cried over some, and some, not so much. ive never been a foofy foof animal person though. give me a big ole mutt to lay in the yard and mean fat tom cat to scratch my ankles and eat mice. well, until recently. we aquired, in the most fate filled string of events, a tiny little lap dog. the most typical of all foofy foof, a poodle. i didnt even want him. my husband said before we even saw him "no" in his serious daddy voice. you should have seen the dog. he was a mess. he was on his second foster home from a rescue and you could tell. poor thing. but how can you stand in the way of destiny when it took a treacherous tornado, 50 art students, a freezing cold rainy day, hours of windy country roads, and unexplained vomit, which led us straight to the house where the hot mess of a foof was waiting for us.
some how i changed my mind. some how daddy said yes. somehow we ended up with this fluffy boy in our truck. that day our family changed. that was the day the kids prayers were answered. they had been praying for a baby brother. i had been counter praying that because i know how powerful a childs prayers can be. i believe god answered us all that cold rainy day in the hills of eastern kentucky.
i then suddenly was caught up in the world of dog sweaters and fancy gourmet dog food. i became a person who doesnt drive down the road without their lap dog. i was a baby step away from that weird lady pushing a stroller around with a dog in it. and i was fine with it.
life continued as normal, for almost a whole year. to me it was daily grind. same stuff, different day. in and out, up and down... what i didnt realize was that i was in my jesus class room all along. i think i had fallen asleep in class. it wasnt the routine i thought it was. god was studiously working on a masterpiece, me, all along. his artisan hands stroking paint on a canvas, gently, yet purposeful. funny, that god guy. he's always up to something. he knows how it all ends up and he knows who he needs to make it happen. the cool thing about art is there are no mistakes. you can have an end result in mind, and maybe some paint drips or mixes together to make an ugly shade, but you can just paint over it, or go a different direction with your ideas. so he stands there with his brush in hand, a palette of the most beautiful colors of paint, and the canvas in front of him that looks just like me. he is painting and working and concentrating and somehow i am completely unaware.... i think it is because his strokes were too gentle. and he knew that. but he didnt want to hurt me unless i was ready. unless he knew i wanted to take the next step. who knew it would take roughly 28 years for me to open the door for him.
something else about god. he has his full undivided attention on me, but he is just that same way for all of my bothers and sisters as well. not only is he painstakingly painting me, he is doing the same for all of his other children, all of us. and more than we realize, our paints overlap. and THAT is when it gets beautiful. but just like an amazing pair of steve madden high heels, sometimes beauty hurts. but when you slip those rockin' heels on, you are asking for it. do you keep them on and strut about or do you decide its not worth it and grab your ballet flats instead.... its a choice. a decision we make. and sometimes the decisions are based on emotion. and i have come to learn that the most effective emotion in decision making is anguish and pain. i think it is because these emotions make us the most vulnerable, the most raw, these feelings are what fillet us and expose who we really are. how we react in this emotion is our test.
my church has gone through this emotional time. this time of anguish. through series of events that no one really even knows, god has been painting like a mad man.... so many canvases in front of him, so much paint. hes been bringing people together, and pulling them apart. for reasons only he knows. i made the decision to stick it out. to trust in him no matter what. even though i had my own ideas and thoughts, i had my own opinions and i even had my own paintbrush. in late january i responded to an alter call and i, for the first time, honestly allowed god to use me. i was warned ahead of time that it would be a painful decision, but i accepted the challenge, i laid down my life to be a leader. i felt like it was real. i felt gods touch, i knew he accepted my submission. i just had no idea how quickly he would begin to train me. it was sudden.
the first lesson was me disobeying philippians 2:14 "do everything without complaining or arguing..." god gave me a couple little chances to follow his instruction and i blindly walked right into my own nets. i was caught complaining about doing something, and it cut me like a double edged sword right in the gut. i hurt someone but honestly, it hurt me worse. i can hardly even type this without becoming physically ill. i shared the situation with others and they have assured me it wasnt a big deal, but for some reason, it changed my life. i havent completely stopped complaining, but i will tell you that every time i have a chance to grumble, i have a lead weight of conviction on me and i believe that this is gods paintbrush, over my mouth, leading me to be able to fulfill the second half of the phillipians verse, ..."so that you may become blameless and pure, children of god." its amazing how many times i am tempted to slander someone, to spread bitterness and contempt. amazing. and i never would have even seen that if it wasnt for me getting caught. and it was only through the power of god that i was caught. looking back, god put his hands over my eyes so that i would purposefully get caught in my own impurity. powerful lesson. seriously. i considered this to be an answer to prayer, the one i prayed at the alter. the one about wanting to be molded and used by god even if it hurt. because it hurt. and still does. but, god has more. always has more. we just have to be willing to TAKE the more. i was. i was thankful and humbled by this lesson and submitted even deeper to christ. he took my hand and he pulled me so hard towards him. harder than i would admit to have liked. he took my foofy foof dog from me.
i pause in my complete vulnerability right now. i pause because i am now in the place of emotion that defines me and i am choosing to be aligned with god and who HE wants me to be, not by how my sadness wants me to react.
by another series of events that are nothing short of destiny, doodle is gone. completely 100 % vanished into thin air. my spirit is heavy, faultering, wounded. my soul fills ripped. at the risk of offending anyone who has lost a child i will not compare this grief to theirs. at the risk of discrediting my witness i will not go on a "crazy lady who pushes a dog in a sweater around in a stroller" tangent. but i will say this. that dog had permeated his way into my familys hearts and he was one of us. he was and always will be part of our family, our baby brother. with him being gone, it has damaged us. we grieve his loss with real emotion. emotion that i have never felt before. i am taking the hardest, and i know the reason why. i know that doodle, a foofy foof little grey hot mess of a dog, was one of the colors god painted on my canvas. i know that he was intentionally put in my life so that i could go through what i am going through now to become the person that god meant for me to be all along. i cant tell you the outcome of this chapter in my life. i cant even tell you what tomorrow looks like. but i can tell you that today, god is holding me tight, like his baby, and he set his paintbrush down for just a second so he could rock me and sing to me and kiss my forehead and tell me that im going to be ok. im important enough to him for him to use me and i am not going to let this experience go by, this emotion to go by, without learning from it.
emotions are like dictators. they run our lives and completely force us into a certain style of behavior. im convinced that this is what makes humans so unpredictable, so bizarre, so multifaceted. i know a lot of people, some i know better than others, some i respect more than others, some inspire me, some intrigue me... theres no real pattern for the people that i hold higher than others. its just something about certain people that i am attracted to. i have decided it is because those people on my pedestals have experienced real emotion and they have allowed those feelings to form them into real people. i am so thankful that i am finally able to recognize real emotions and that i am mature enough in my faith to see when god is using these emotions to mold me. god knows who we are. he knows what gets us, he knows our weak spots, our strong spots. he can use what is most important to us to teach us what he needs us to know. my entire life i have been an animal lover. my earliest memories are of me spending the night on the concrete slab of a back porch with stray dogs at the family farm. most of my best memories have an animal in them. so of course god would get me where it counts. of course he would use a dog to teach me how to be a better human. and i cant think of a better dog to use than my doodle. thank you god for blessing my family with doodle. thank you for the 11 months that we were able to spend with him. thank you for all the photos we have with him, for all the memories and stories that we will never lose. thank you for loving me enough to use me. thank you for your answered prayers and for spiritual growth. thank you for the venues to share what i learn with others so that ultimately, your name is praised, and you receive all the glory. thank you for my heart for animals, i know you dont give it to everyone. i praise you even as i suffer, because i know you are in control. i continue to offer myself up to you as a living sacrifice and i dont back down from my desire to be a leader for your kingdom. i love you god, more than doodle. and thats alot. amen
Monday, March 12, 2012
the beach, backdeck, and recliner
not sure how to even begin. its maddening... this brain of mine. it seems that weekly i am inspired and am positive that i will surely grab a hold and run with it, but no. alas, i have become so inundated with myself that inspiration is hardly enough anymore. i fear that i am so accustomed to inspiration that i have become numb to it. i compare this to waking up underneath the pelican lamp at the beach condo. jumping out of bed and running down to the ocean with a quickness i do not experience when the 6:30 alarm sounds on a school day in kentucky. i want to soak up every possible moment of the view of the white sand, the aquamarine stretch of ocean, the generous scattering of little purple clam shells, the delicate white foam of the surf. it is SO spectacular and SO amazing, i often get a little bitter about it. here is my thought process..."these lucky people that get to live here, i bet they dont even KNOW what they have. they have lived here their whole life and they dont even realize how good they have it. jerks. if I lived here, I would appreciate it every second." i have even been so bold as to entertain the thought that "i would even be closer to god if i lived here." how could one NOT be when they are standing at the gate of heaven while they stand at the ocean's edge?
im an idiot. if i am so blessed, i get to go to the beach for one week out of the year. i stay in a plush condo with a ridiculously awesome pool, hot tub and smoothie station, ok fine, a beach bar, whatever nestled exactly on the sand just yards from the waters edge. its the perfect weather, we go to restaurants for deeelishous food i didnt have to cook. we walk to the shake shop for cool treats. we have no agenda, no deadlines, no commitments... of course i could elevate myself to a place where i am smarter than a floridian to recognize the beauty and ridiculous awesomeness of the beach that they can't, because i am not there when the 6:30 alarm for school goes off. im not there when the windows have to have boards screwed into the sides of the houses because a storm is coming that may destroy their homes. im not there when its 110 degrees and the air conditioning breaks. of course those people know how amazing it is there. im thinking that is PROBABLY why they live there. again. im an idiot.
yes. this is amazing.
fuhgetaboutit.
its wicked cool.
but guess what i forgot? i forgot about this....
and this...
what i see every morning when i take the kids to school. and this...
THAT, that is my backyard.
countless people have visited and proclaimed majesty in my kitchen. ive heard them lay down a deal with themselves that repeats quite like mine to the beach. "oh my... if I lived here i would stare at this all day long" "if i had this in my backyard i would come here and read my bible and revel in gods glory." i wonder if those holy rollers secretly think im a jerk because they are CERTAIN i dont appreciate it... WELL....it can be my own secret that i actually do know its there, that i often stop and enjoy it, BUT i do not read my bible there. i hardly ever bask in gods glory there. in fact, i hardly EVER read my bible. and i hardly EVER bask in gods glory. i have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many opportunities. i just never take them. like being inspired and ignoring it. when i hear a GREAT song on klove and god tells me to write something about it and all i do is just jot it down on my notepad in my phone under "blog ideas", if even i do that. like when i go to bed at night i tell myself that when i get up in the morning i am GOING to sit in the recliner and do my devotion but the reality is that i drag out of bed like a reluctant child and rush the kids to school and come home and just "really quick" check my phone and then have to text about 14 times because it's really important and it will only take a second and while im texting i think of something and know that for SURE if i dont check online about it that it will be on my mind throughout my entire devotion and surely that wont be quality time with jesus because i will have a distracted mind (gasp! the sacrilege!) yet always ending up on stupid pinterest or etsy and then sophie wakes up and then ive texted 21 more times and then i have to go get groceries or do some laundry or crochet a hat (gotta check pinterest again to make sure i am making the cutest hat possible) run to the store or teach art class or bake a cake or sew a blanket or edit photos or crap i just accidentally watched the whole episode of baby story with sophie..... then i have to go pick up the kids than i have to do stuff that i dont even remember i did then i have to make supper and then i finally sit in the recliner. but i play drawsomething or watch tv or text 184,000 more times, or just fall asleep. and do you know what happens? hang on, i weep at the thought.......
i abandon my poppa.
i declare to him that i wasnt actually worth dieing for. i dont appreciate his suffering, i dont accept his gift of grace. he is sitting in the recliner waiting for me. so excited to get to spend time with me. just giddy with apprehension at the thought of me curling up beside him. me opening my bible and pouring over the pages with him and he can explain every word to me and give me fresh understanding. this is his greatest desire. and i dont appreciate it.
I am the beach. he lives in me. he KNOWS the beauty that i have. he jumps up every morning and rushes to that recliner like there aint no 6:30 school alarm clock, just to sit with me. and im the fool that lives at the beach and doesnt even know it.
and im also the fool that leaves him sitting in my recliner. dont i know i can take him with me everywhere i go? dont i know that if i hide his word in my heart i take his light with me? the times i am rushing about and giving my self aneurisms because i dont know how im going to make it through my "oh so terrible life"... the times i walk by my backyard view and dont even know it. or even worse, the times i stand at my back deck and wish i lived at the beach....the times i dont appreciate the splendor of gods majesty because i think its better somewhere else. the few moments i spend with jesus in the mornings only allows him to stay with me throughout the day. the truths i read about in his book stay fresh on me and allow him to be my flashlight as i stumble through that "terrible life" i just referred to above. he cant ever get up from the recliner and follow me because i never invited him to. my invitation to him was that empty promise of "i am GOING to get up and do my devotion in the morning..."
jesus, my redeemer, my savior, i beg of you. please let me see myself more as the idiot i have allowed myself to be so that i can better see you sitting in the soft glow of the lamp beside the recliner in the early morning. make my mind available so that i can remove what hinders your word from absorbing into my heart. scatter your fresh understanding in me like little purple clam shells that stud the sand under the ocean's surf. quiet my soul so that i can revel in your splendor. the splendor that is my life. you made me as beautiful as the beach... my jesus, give me fresh eyes to appreciate it. how i love you oh lord. how i am humbled in the truth that even though i ignore you, you are an unchanging god of mercy and grace and you never tire of my texting instead of devotion. that you are always there for me and always available. i want my relationship with you to be better, stronger, more substantial. god, i plead, make your conviction on me stronger. pour your spirit over me heavily. make the desire of your heart be the desire of my heart. i bask in your glory. amen.
im an idiot. if i am so blessed, i get to go to the beach for one week out of the year. i stay in a plush condo with a ridiculously awesome pool, hot tub and smoothie station, ok fine, a beach bar, whatever nestled exactly on the sand just yards from the waters edge. its the perfect weather, we go to restaurants for deeelishous food i didnt have to cook. we walk to the shake shop for cool treats. we have no agenda, no deadlines, no commitments... of course i could elevate myself to a place where i am smarter than a floridian to recognize the beauty and ridiculous awesomeness of the beach that they can't, because i am not there when the 6:30 alarm for school goes off. im not there when the windows have to have boards screwed into the sides of the houses because a storm is coming that may destroy their homes. im not there when its 110 degrees and the air conditioning breaks. of course those people know how amazing it is there. im thinking that is PROBABLY why they live there. again. im an idiot.
its wicked cool.
but guess what i forgot? i forgot about this....
countless people have visited and proclaimed majesty in my kitchen. ive heard them lay down a deal with themselves that repeats quite like mine to the beach. "oh my... if I lived here i would stare at this all day long" "if i had this in my backyard i would come here and read my bible and revel in gods glory." i wonder if those holy rollers secretly think im a jerk because they are CERTAIN i dont appreciate it... WELL....it can be my own secret that i actually do know its there, that i often stop and enjoy it, BUT i do not read my bible there. i hardly ever bask in gods glory there. in fact, i hardly EVER read my bible. and i hardly EVER bask in gods glory. i have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many opportunities. i just never take them. like being inspired and ignoring it. when i hear a GREAT song on klove and god tells me to write something about it and all i do is just jot it down on my notepad in my phone under "blog ideas", if even i do that. like when i go to bed at night i tell myself that when i get up in the morning i am GOING to sit in the recliner and do my devotion but the reality is that i drag out of bed like a reluctant child and rush the kids to school and come home and just "really quick" check my phone and then have to text about 14 times because it's really important and it will only take a second and while im texting i think of something and know that for SURE if i dont check online about it that it will be on my mind throughout my entire devotion and surely that wont be quality time with jesus because i will have a distracted mind (gasp! the sacrilege!) yet always ending up on stupid pinterest or etsy and then sophie wakes up and then ive texted 21 more times and then i have to go get groceries or do some laundry or crochet a hat (gotta check pinterest again to make sure i am making the cutest hat possible) run to the store or teach art class or bake a cake or sew a blanket or edit photos or crap i just accidentally watched the whole episode of baby story with sophie..... then i have to go pick up the kids than i have to do stuff that i dont even remember i did then i have to make supper and then i finally sit in the recliner. but i play drawsomething or watch tv or text 184,000 more times, or just fall asleep. and do you know what happens? hang on, i weep at the thought.......
i abandon my poppa.
i declare to him that i wasnt actually worth dieing for. i dont appreciate his suffering, i dont accept his gift of grace. he is sitting in the recliner waiting for me. so excited to get to spend time with me. just giddy with apprehension at the thought of me curling up beside him. me opening my bible and pouring over the pages with him and he can explain every word to me and give me fresh understanding. this is his greatest desire. and i dont appreciate it.
I am the beach. he lives in me. he KNOWS the beauty that i have. he jumps up every morning and rushes to that recliner like there aint no 6:30 school alarm clock, just to sit with me. and im the fool that lives at the beach and doesnt even know it.
and im also the fool that leaves him sitting in my recliner. dont i know i can take him with me everywhere i go? dont i know that if i hide his word in my heart i take his light with me? the times i am rushing about and giving my self aneurisms because i dont know how im going to make it through my "oh so terrible life"... the times i walk by my backyard view and dont even know it. or even worse, the times i stand at my back deck and wish i lived at the beach....the times i dont appreciate the splendor of gods majesty because i think its better somewhere else. the few moments i spend with jesus in the mornings only allows him to stay with me throughout the day. the truths i read about in his book stay fresh on me and allow him to be my flashlight as i stumble through that "terrible life" i just referred to above. he cant ever get up from the recliner and follow me because i never invited him to. my invitation to him was that empty promise of "i am GOING to get up and do my devotion in the morning..."
jesus, my redeemer, my savior, i beg of you. please let me see myself more as the idiot i have allowed myself to be so that i can better see you sitting in the soft glow of the lamp beside the recliner in the early morning. make my mind available so that i can remove what hinders your word from absorbing into my heart. scatter your fresh understanding in me like little purple clam shells that stud the sand under the ocean's surf. quiet my soul so that i can revel in your splendor. the splendor that is my life. you made me as beautiful as the beach... my jesus, give me fresh eyes to appreciate it. how i love you oh lord. how i am humbled in the truth that even though i ignore you, you are an unchanging god of mercy and grace and you never tire of my texting instead of devotion. that you are always there for me and always available. i want my relationship with you to be better, stronger, more substantial. god, i plead, make your conviction on me stronger. pour your spirit over me heavily. make the desire of your heart be the desire of my heart. i bask in your glory. amen.
Monday, May 23, 2011
watching the sunrise
the time i enjoy being in my bed the most is that short hour or so that my husband gets up for work. no offense chad, its great to have a hunky man to snuggle on, but i sure do love to be able to stretch out, use either pillow, wrap myself like a burrito in the blankets...... i'm kind of in that half way between sleep and reality state that is ahhhh so grand. kinda hard to make myself get up from this spot, it's MY spot, my most favorite time of my entire day, i'm pretty sure i deserve this moment, because when i wake up, i turn into an overworked, stressed out, disorganized, maniac of a woman, so i seriously believe that there is no harm to lying in my soft warm cocoon for every possible second. i've turned it into an art i would say. i can actually warp my own schedule and re plan my entire day in that zen state of mind. i make allowances and talk myself into rearranging my morning rituals to give myself even a measly 3 extra minutes. you know, like, "oh, i don't have to take a shower now, i'll wait and take one after the kids go to school" or "i can let the kids sleep in, too. we can just rush a little more today to make sure they get to school on time." or "i'll just pray right here, like this, god doesn't care where i am when i pray, he probably WANTS me to be able to enjoy my time right here in my bed" yep. excuses. i got 'em.
so this morning in particular, i decide, i'm gonna get up. yep. i'm going to get up at 6:15. (big sacrifice, i know, i HAVE to get up at 6:30) the sun is making the window glow orange, it was drawing me up out of the bed. i was anxious to check it out and maybe even grab a good photo.
the sky today was intense. the sun was barely peeking up over the horizon, but the brilliant golden light from it was washing everything it touched. a beautiful sight, i grabbed a photo, but it couldn't do justice for the beauty i could hardly believe was real. this kind of sunrise is unusual, for this odd brilliance of light to be so strong, and for a reason i suppose. from one side of my porch, the morning was glowing a butterscotch gold, from the other side of my porch, the sky was dark and overcast, a storm looming in the close distance. i could see the divide in the sky, where the storm was touching the beautiful clear morning. big heavy raindrops began to spot the deck as i watched the darkness squelch the light. it was amazing to see how the sun kept rising, even though every second the storm got closer and the sky got darker. the brilliant light was now gone, but until the grey clouds had completely engulfed my point of view, i could still see that ball of red sun slowly inching up into the sky.
nature is like that. the sun rises every single day. every single morning, we can know that no matter what, the sun will always rise.
so now, hours later, it's light out, but not bright, the entire sky is grey. the sun isn't visible, i'd say it's not even out. i can't see it, no one around can see it, so it's not there, right? if you've ever flown on an overcast day, you know that as soon as you get through the clouds, the sun is there. bright and shining, so much so that you couldn't dare look at it without burning your eyeballs out. when that plane cuts through the layer of clouds, and you fly above them, it's a perfect sunny day. the clouds are below, like a thick heavy blanket, you can't see the ground below you, only a cottony floor. above the clouds, is sunny, below the clouds is grey, rainy, chilly, yucky. in knowing this, i realize that above this rainy sky i see, is a layer of clouds, and above those clouds, is the sun. shining and glowing like a champ. doing it's job no matter if i can see it or not. it's helpful to me also that i got to see it rise this morning. so i know it's there. just like it was yesterday, and the day before. just like it will be there tomorrow. i'm glad i got out of bed early this morning. i'm glad i got to sneak a peek at the sun before the clouds rolled in and hid it from me. if i wouldn't have chosen to roll out of my cozy nest, i would have missed it and lived away this whole day grumbling about the sun being gone. amazing how that short 15 minutes of my day has changed the way i'll live the rest of the minutes i'll be awake.
i could just fumble around and wish the hours away until i can get back in my bed, or i can be motivated and live this day as it was intended for me, helping people, being a good steward in my home, thanking god for my life. even though i could easily chalk this cloudy may 23rd up as a loss, i need to realize that god is in control, he, like that sun, is glowing and shining, doing his job, even though im not really looking at him to see him doing it. the thick layer of grey that i have put between he and i may mask his glory, but if i can reach up and punch holes through that cover and let the sun shine through, his beams of warm light will guide me, keep me energized, keep me on task. remind me of his love for me and that i have a purpose here.
just knowing he is there can sometimes be enough, but the only real way to allow jesus to be in control is to have an active relationship with him. and that is the key to a satisfied life, it's so simple. all we have to do is read the bible and pray. pray for real. that means, just talking to god. like you would call your best friend. tell him everything, like how your kids sassy mouth gets on your nerves, like how your messy house makes you crazy, like how your gramma is old and falling apart and how that makes you feel. like how your friend is dieing of cancer and that you are expecting a miracle. like how your bank account is empty and theres bills to pay and glasses and braces and food to buy. like how beautiful the flowers are in your yard and how happy and blessed you are that your kids are healthy, and happy. praying to tell him whats' on your heart, to thank him for what makes you happy and to grovel at his feet for what makes you ache. and reading the bible so that we can know what is real, what is right, what we need to do as reactions and actions.
the best time to read our bible and to pray to him is first thing in the morning, before we do anything else. every moment i spend curled up in my happy bedtime place is a moment that i refuse to spend with jesus. if i've been alive for 100 sunrises, i've only gotten to see 3 of them because i refused to get up and look. the sun has been there for every single one. even the million that happened before i was alive. its my choice to see the sun, to praise my maker. its my decision whether i get up and witness the sunrise, to have my special time with jesus, or just lay in my bed. i'm the one that makes the decision to let a grey sky dictate how my day will go or if i can peer through the clouds and know the sun is bright and real and allow that light to permeate me regardless of if it's visible or not. god chose me, but i have to choose him back. it's not easy. waking up earlier than i have to is lame. reading the bible can be boring and sometimes i get nothing out of it. praying can become routine and mundane, especially when i feel like he can't hear me, or just doesn't care. the grey days of a christ follower are ridiculously painful, and unfortunatley, inevitable. but we can't let a gloriously comfortable bed or a thick layer of menecing clouds keep us in the grey. we have to make the effort. we have to have our special, most favorite time of our days be the time we spend with jesus. the time we watch the sun rise. that time, however brief or drawn out, will change the way we think, the way we feel, the way we live. the distraction free time we spend with him is well spent. it will improve us, it will empower us, it will satisfy us. i speak from experience, the days i get up at 5 am and pour over scriptures and ramble on in prayer to my papa are days that glorious. even in suffering, i can rejoice on those days. but the days i just roll over and shrug off the sunrise... those are the days that are riddled with crap. crap i dont make wise decisions about. running my mouth, hollering and carrying on, gossiping, whining, complaining, wallering in self pity, grumbling.... all those actions make for terrible reactions. granted, im not a saint of my "mornings with jesus" days, but i am telling the truth that those days are better. like a good cup of coffee can make my day run smoother, a little bit of bible and jesus face time can do the same.
so tonight, before i go to bed, i'm going to pray that i will have to pee like a racehorse at 5 am, so i will HAVE to get up. then i wont have an excuse. no matter how cozy by beddy bye will be.
so this morning in particular, i decide, i'm gonna get up. yep. i'm going to get up at 6:15. (big sacrifice, i know, i HAVE to get up at 6:30) the sun is making the window glow orange, it was drawing me up out of the bed. i was anxious to check it out and maybe even grab a good photo.
the sky today was intense. the sun was barely peeking up over the horizon, but the brilliant golden light from it was washing everything it touched. a beautiful sight, i grabbed a photo, but it couldn't do justice for the beauty i could hardly believe was real. this kind of sunrise is unusual, for this odd brilliance of light to be so strong, and for a reason i suppose. from one side of my porch, the morning was glowing a butterscotch gold, from the other side of my porch, the sky was dark and overcast, a storm looming in the close distance. i could see the divide in the sky, where the storm was touching the beautiful clear morning. big heavy raindrops began to spot the deck as i watched the darkness squelch the light. it was amazing to see how the sun kept rising, even though every second the storm got closer and the sky got darker. the brilliant light was now gone, but until the grey clouds had completely engulfed my point of view, i could still see that ball of red sun slowly inching up into the sky.
nature is like that. the sun rises every single day. every single morning, we can know that no matter what, the sun will always rise.
so now, hours later, it's light out, but not bright, the entire sky is grey. the sun isn't visible, i'd say it's not even out. i can't see it, no one around can see it, so it's not there, right? if you've ever flown on an overcast day, you know that as soon as you get through the clouds, the sun is there. bright and shining, so much so that you couldn't dare look at it without burning your eyeballs out. when that plane cuts through the layer of clouds, and you fly above them, it's a perfect sunny day. the clouds are below, like a thick heavy blanket, you can't see the ground below you, only a cottony floor. above the clouds, is sunny, below the clouds is grey, rainy, chilly, yucky. in knowing this, i realize that above this rainy sky i see, is a layer of clouds, and above those clouds, is the sun. shining and glowing like a champ. doing it's job no matter if i can see it or not. it's helpful to me also that i got to see it rise this morning. so i know it's there. just like it was yesterday, and the day before. just like it will be there tomorrow. i'm glad i got out of bed early this morning. i'm glad i got to sneak a peek at the sun before the clouds rolled in and hid it from me. if i wouldn't have chosen to roll out of my cozy nest, i would have missed it and lived away this whole day grumbling about the sun being gone. amazing how that short 15 minutes of my day has changed the way i'll live the rest of the minutes i'll be awake.
i could just fumble around and wish the hours away until i can get back in my bed, or i can be motivated and live this day as it was intended for me, helping people, being a good steward in my home, thanking god for my life. even though i could easily chalk this cloudy may 23rd up as a loss, i need to realize that god is in control, he, like that sun, is glowing and shining, doing his job, even though im not really looking at him to see him doing it. the thick layer of grey that i have put between he and i may mask his glory, but if i can reach up and punch holes through that cover and let the sun shine through, his beams of warm light will guide me, keep me energized, keep me on task. remind me of his love for me and that i have a purpose here.
just knowing he is there can sometimes be enough, but the only real way to allow jesus to be in control is to have an active relationship with him. and that is the key to a satisfied life, it's so simple. all we have to do is read the bible and pray. pray for real. that means, just talking to god. like you would call your best friend. tell him everything, like how your kids sassy mouth gets on your nerves, like how your messy house makes you crazy, like how your gramma is old and falling apart and how that makes you feel. like how your friend is dieing of cancer and that you are expecting a miracle. like how your bank account is empty and theres bills to pay and glasses and braces and food to buy. like how beautiful the flowers are in your yard and how happy and blessed you are that your kids are healthy, and happy. praying to tell him whats' on your heart, to thank him for what makes you happy and to grovel at his feet for what makes you ache. and reading the bible so that we can know what is real, what is right, what we need to do as reactions and actions.
the best time to read our bible and to pray to him is first thing in the morning, before we do anything else. every moment i spend curled up in my happy bedtime place is a moment that i refuse to spend with jesus. if i've been alive for 100 sunrises, i've only gotten to see 3 of them because i refused to get up and look. the sun has been there for every single one. even the million that happened before i was alive. its my choice to see the sun, to praise my maker. its my decision whether i get up and witness the sunrise, to have my special time with jesus, or just lay in my bed. i'm the one that makes the decision to let a grey sky dictate how my day will go or if i can peer through the clouds and know the sun is bright and real and allow that light to permeate me regardless of if it's visible or not. god chose me, but i have to choose him back. it's not easy. waking up earlier than i have to is lame. reading the bible can be boring and sometimes i get nothing out of it. praying can become routine and mundane, especially when i feel like he can't hear me, or just doesn't care. the grey days of a christ follower are ridiculously painful, and unfortunatley, inevitable. but we can't let a gloriously comfortable bed or a thick layer of menecing clouds keep us in the grey. we have to make the effort. we have to have our special, most favorite time of our days be the time we spend with jesus. the time we watch the sun rise. that time, however brief or drawn out, will change the way we think, the way we feel, the way we live. the distraction free time we spend with him is well spent. it will improve us, it will empower us, it will satisfy us. i speak from experience, the days i get up at 5 am and pour over scriptures and ramble on in prayer to my papa are days that glorious. even in suffering, i can rejoice on those days. but the days i just roll over and shrug off the sunrise... those are the days that are riddled with crap. crap i dont make wise decisions about. running my mouth, hollering and carrying on, gossiping, whining, complaining, wallering in self pity, grumbling.... all those actions make for terrible reactions. granted, im not a saint of my "mornings with jesus" days, but i am telling the truth that those days are better. like a good cup of coffee can make my day run smoother, a little bit of bible and jesus face time can do the same.
so tonight, before i go to bed, i'm going to pray that i will have to pee like a racehorse at 5 am, so i will HAVE to get up. then i wont have an excuse. no matter how cozy by beddy bye will be.
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