something big

ok lets face it. facebook is lame. ive had it, been addicted to it, quit it, unfriended, friended, picked it back up, loved it, hated it, loved it, hated it.... and that was all just in ONE day.... ive used it as a helpful tool, and shamefully, as a weapon. ive urged people to join it and forbidden my children to even THINK about creating an account.  ive uploaded a zillion pics i want everyone to see, and have dreaded photos that others have posted that i wish were never taken.

i had finally had enough and decided that the only way to leave behind such negativity was to just walk away from a pretty big source. it was only after a series of events that i finally made up my mind, wrote out some sort of bold anthem that i hoped would inspire someone, posted it as my status, and quit.  i even deleted the facebook app. the horrors! there was nothing worthy of me peeking on facebook again. i felt liberated. it was awesome!  now lets talk about my instagram obsession....  instagram is social media, but its different. there is ZERO negativity, zero miscommunication, zero back stabbing and gossip.  in my experience, its a community of mothers that god has put in my life to get me through days i didnt even need i needed help getting through. it has amazed me the connections i have made in mommas across the globe and how they have played parts in situations in my life.  i could go on for paragraphs and give exact names and stories and many "aha" moments i have had. but i will spare that at the sake of getting off track.  except for one. her name is farmgirlpaints  i mean becky :) let me tell you this woman is a woman of god. the wife and mother she is, the crafter and christ follower she is, i am breathless to know she is MY friend. she inspires me deeply on many levels. this past saturday she posted a lovely "selfie" with a verse. it wasnt the first time. she often posts verses.  this one meant so much to me considering all that i have been going through with the loss of doodle. (see "doodle the wonder poodle" post)  i read it many times over then jotted it down on the notepad beside my keyboard.  Proverbs 16:9  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"  perfect for me in this chapter of my life.  i decided it was going to be my new anthem and that i would somehow make it into a sign to hang up in my house as a reminder.

im going to talk about doodle just for a minute.  losing doodle thrust me back onto facebook. i figured that was the most effective way to search for him.  just glancing over the news feed and not traveling to friends pages, ive been focused on any news for a poodle named doodle.  ive added a million new friends out of furthering awareness of doodle, people i have never met and will never know.  last night there was a random post from a "friend" i dont know right at the top of the feed.  some kid holding up a poster and it said "i wear green"  well, green is my favorite color, so i read it. 

rabbit trail.... i ran into a woman that was a dear friend to my mom over 20 years ago when our familys  both lived in ohio. somehow i end up living in mt sterling and somehow this woman ends up living here too. bizarre. anyway, i ran into this lady, wendy.. she was telling me that she had just gotten a kidney transplant and that it was the best thing that has happened to her and how well she was doing.  it really blessed me to hear that and i kept telling her so. i also shared with her that i have always known i was going to donate a kidney.  ever since i can remember ive known this.  we spoke for about 10 minutes and parted ways. hadnt seen or talked to this woman in a million years remember.  ok, back to story.

the boy holding a sign about wearing green. its for his sister, bridgette. she needs a kidney.  hmm, i was intrigued because, one, i have an extra kidney, and two, i like green, and three, because i instantly recognized all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.  doodle gone equals renewed facebook time, new stranger friends, chance encounters with people from my childhood... who just got a kidney.....  so with heart pounding i glance over this page,
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beautiful-Bridgette/406154742810658
and see that, she is in ohio (where i am from, where we lived while i knew wendy), she has a daughter, a concerned momma and family, and, we share a blood type. oh my gosh.  instantly my body was over taken by pins and needles and i began praying like a maniac.  with sweaty palms i sent a message.  i prayed through out the night and during the morning routine.  let me share quickly what ive come to understand over the past couple days.

we can give ourself to god, and want and pray for something big to happen to us, but if we dont surrender what WE want for ourselves then it can never develop into anything truly "god big".  only when we align ourselves with the will of christ will we ever be able to reach our potential.  i learned that i may have a heart plan to go a certain direction and surely since god is the owner of my heart, my direction is my god ordained destiny, but that only He who made me can direct my steps.  i prayed specifically on sunday that god would reveal to me what my something big would be.  something that i could do as me, to make Me something big. i wasnt really expecting any sort of billboard announcement from him, ive heard about people hearing direct words from god and concrete directions but i dont know if i ever really had, so i was just saying, hook me up jesus dude, but figuring it to not be a big deal.  i mean, i know me pretty well, and im kinda a hot mess, i couldnt really handle a huge responsibility like becoming a preacher or a upstanding citizen or anything.  im just a rainbow tornado blowing through life, nothing fancy.  yeah, so jesus sure does have a sense of humor? or a grand plan to involve all those willing that is so intricate and delicate and involved that we as humans could never explain, understand, or make up.

so i get the kids off to school and decide to check my facebook to see if i have a reply from the green wearing kidney people.. i did. i got a quick rundown of bridgettes disease and all the struggles she has faced.
i didnt want to give false hope to this family, i know its painful sting, so i just responded with the fact that i and my husband were praying about this today and asked if she would join us. not knowing if she even knew who jesus was or what prayer meant, i didnt care.  i was just putting it out there for her. ok sit down because im about to drive you all into a billboard.

she responded with one simple thing.  a bible verse.. guess which one?

Proverbs 16:9  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

holy  swiss cheese batman.  thats whats up.

you align yourself, you seek the lord, you pray out of humble desperation, you make yourself available no matter what the cost, he WILL use you. you ARE worth it to him. he knew about you and your bad hair days and dirty little secrets, your heart strings and stengths, he knew about the freckle under your armpit and your deformed pinky toe when he was hanging out in the garden with adam and eve. and he knew EXACTLY what he wanted you to do for him. i am telling you this with confidence out of my own real experiences. i am shoving this down your throat with every ounce of love i have in my body.  you have to know this and understand this. if god has stood by MY side through the entire first crappy 36 chapters of my feeble life oh so patiently, then hear this. he is standing beside you as well.  he tells us and tells us and whispers and screams and taps us and pushes us and even pulls the rug out from under us. its only when we take our own selfish fingers out of our ears that we can hear him and live out the rich and plentiful blessings that he has in store for us. 

you know what you want. give the map of your heart to christ, let go of it, dont even keep a pinch onto the corner of it. let go. give it up.  if you gave your heart to jesus that map doesnt belong to you anyway. set it down, walk away, and follow in the footsteps that god puts in front of you.  close your eyes if you have to. but just do it.  its liberating. its freeing, its life changing. its something BIG.

jesus my poppa. the one who knit me together in my mothers womb. the one who gave life to friends that you know i need.  my creator and lover, my guide through my course. i lay at your feet in blissful peace.  a peace brought on by pain. a peace i had to learn.  i am so blessed by you today god. i am so in love with you today god.  i thank you for answered prayers. i thank you for choosing me, i thank you for your patience, i thank you for loving me enough to use me. i pray for an extra army to protect me as i know the enemy will surely attack me. you are all powerful and in that power i pray your name and guidance in my life.  i pray for my something big to just get bigger every day. i pray i will never be satisfied with where i am and that i will always hunger for more of what you have for me. loving you to the moon and back, amen.

doodle the wonder poodle

ive been through alot of struggles in my life. pretty much could say "been there, done that" in any situation.  some experiences i handled with more grace than others, but honestly i can admit that to this day not one was handled properly.  by properly i mean that i dont think i learned exactly what i needed to learn.  our entire lives we are a student. some have different teachers than others. i enrolled in the school of christ as a kid, and although ive snuck out countless times, im still on the roster.  how many times have i stood in the corner, had to write 100 times on the chalkboard a promise for better choices.... i honestly dont know. seriously, until this season in my life i can say i never had my eyes open wide enough to even know i was facing retribution.  the "theology" definition for retribution is "punishment or reward distributed in a future life based on performance in this one."  ive never believed god to "punish" anyone for any reason. but it is now that i finally understand what all this "obey, learn, mold, teach, pattern for living, control, warfare, blah blah blah,..." christianity mumbo jumbo is.  all the comparisons in the bible that are nice and pretty, that people make songs out of and posters and base sermons on. "he is the potter, we are the clay." "he is the precious metal refiner, we are raw silver" "he is the shepherd, we are the lost sheep"  lovely sayings, they make nice cards.  and to think that my whole life could have gone by and i never would have understood, i never would have truly known my teacher.
im an animal person. always have been. ive always had dogs, cats, and almost always lived on a farm and had horses and other various barnyard critters.  ive seen some come and go. cried over some, and some, not so much. ive never been a foofy foof animal person though. give me a big ole mutt to lay in the yard and mean fat tom cat to scratch my ankles and eat mice.  well, until recently. we aquired, in the most fate filled string of events, a tiny little lap dog. the most typical of all foofy foof, a poodle. i didnt even want him. my husband said before we even saw him "no" in his serious daddy voice. you should have seen the dog. he was a mess. he was on his second foster home from a rescue and you could tell. poor thing.  but how can you stand in the way of destiny when it took a treacherous tornado, 50 art students, a freezing cold rainy day, hours of windy country roads, and unexplained vomit, which led us straight to the house where the hot mess of a foof was waiting for us.

                              
some how i changed my mind. some how daddy said yes.  somehow we ended up with this fluffy boy in our truck. that day our family changed. that was the day the kids prayers were answered. they had been praying for a baby brother. i had been counter praying that because i know how powerful a childs prayers can be.  i believe god answered us all that cold rainy day in the hills of eastern kentucky.



i then suddenly was caught up in the world of dog sweaters and fancy gourmet dog food.  i became a person who doesnt drive down the road without their lap dog. i was a baby step away from that weird lady pushing a stroller around with a dog in it.  and i was fine with it.

life continued as normal, for almost a whole year. to me it was daily grind. same stuff, different day. in and out, up and down... what i didnt realize was that i was in my jesus class room all along. i think i had fallen asleep in class.  it wasnt the routine i thought it was. god was studiously working on a masterpiece, me, all along. his artisan hands stroking paint on a canvas, gently, yet purposeful.  funny, that god guy. he's always up to something.  he knows how it all ends up and he knows who he needs to make it happen. the cool thing about art is there are no mistakes.  you can have an end result in mind, and maybe some paint drips or mixes together to make an ugly shade, but you can just paint over it, or go a different direction with your ideas.  so he stands there with his brush in hand, a palette of the most beautiful colors of paint, and the canvas in front of him that looks just like me.  he is painting and working and concentrating and somehow i am completely unaware....  i think it is because his strokes were too gentle.  and he knew that. but he didnt want to hurt me unless i was ready. unless he knew i wanted to take the next step.  who knew it would take roughly 28 years for me to open the door for him.

something else about god. he has his full undivided attention on me, but he is just that same way for all of my bothers and sisters as well. not only is he painstakingly painting me, he is doing the same for all of his other children, all of us.  and more than we realize, our paints overlap. and THAT is when it gets beautiful.  but just like an amazing pair of steve madden high heels, sometimes beauty hurts. but when you slip those rockin' heels on, you are asking for it.  do you keep them on and strut about or do you decide its not worth it and grab your ballet flats instead.... its a choice. a decision we make.  and sometimes the decisions are based on emotion. and i have come to learn that the most effective emotion in decision making is anguish and pain.  i think it is because these emotions make us the most vulnerable, the most raw, these feelings are what fillet us and expose who we really are. how we react in this emotion is our test.

my church has gone through this emotional time. this time of anguish. through series of events that no one really even knows, god has been painting like a mad man.... so many canvases in front of him, so much paint.  hes been bringing people together, and pulling them apart. for reasons only he knows.  i made the decision to stick it out. to trust in him no matter what. even though i had my own ideas and thoughts, i had my own opinions and i even had my own paintbrush. in late january i responded to an alter call and i, for the first time, honestly allowed god to use me. i was warned ahead of time that it would be a painful decision, but i accepted the challenge, i laid down my life to be a leader. i felt like it was real. i felt gods touch, i knew he accepted my submission.  i just had no idea how quickly he would begin to train me.  it was sudden.
the first lesson was me disobeying philippians 2:14 "do everything without complaining or arguing..." god gave me a couple little chances to follow his instruction and i blindly walked right into my own nets. i was caught complaining about doing something, and it cut me like a double edged sword right in the gut. i hurt someone but honestly, it hurt me worse.  i can hardly even type this without becoming physically ill.  i shared the situation with others and they have assured me it wasnt a big deal, but for some reason, it changed my life.  i havent completely stopped complaining, but i will tell you that every time i have a chance to grumble, i have a lead weight of conviction on me and i believe that this is gods paintbrush, over my mouth, leading me to be able to fulfill the second half of the phillipians verse, ..."so that you may become blameless and pure, children of god."  its amazing how many times i am tempted to slander someone, to spread bitterness and contempt. amazing.  and i never would have even seen that if it wasnt for me getting caught. and it was only through the power of god that i was caught.  looking back, god put his hands over my eyes so that i would purposefully get caught in my own impurity.  powerful lesson. seriously.  i considered this to be an answer to prayer, the one i prayed at the alter. the one about wanting to be molded and used by god even if it hurt. because it hurt. and still does.  but, god has more. always has more. we just have to be willing to TAKE the more.  i was. i was thankful and humbled by this lesson and submitted even deeper to christ.  he took my hand and he pulled me so hard towards him.  harder than i would admit to have liked.  he took my foofy foof dog from me.
i pause in my complete vulnerability right now.  i pause because i am now in the place of emotion that defines me and i am choosing to be aligned with god and who HE wants me to be, not by how my sadness wants me to react.
by another series of events that are nothing short of destiny, doodle is gone. completely 100 % vanished into thin air. my spirit is heavy, faultering, wounded.  my soul fills ripped.  at the risk of offending anyone who has lost a child i will not compare this grief to theirs.  at the risk of discrediting my witness i will not go on a "crazy lady who pushes a dog in a sweater around in a stroller" tangent.   but i will say this. that dog had permeated his way into my familys hearts and he was one of us. he was and always will be part of our family, our baby brother.  with him being gone, it has damaged us. we grieve his loss with real emotion. emotion that i have never felt before.  i am taking the hardest, and i know the reason why.  i know that doodle, a foofy foof little grey hot mess of a dog, was one of the colors god painted on my canvas.  i know that he was intentionally put in my life so that i could go through what i am going through now to become the person that god meant for me to be all along.  i cant tell you the outcome of this chapter in my life. i cant even tell you what tomorrow looks like. but i can tell you that today, god is holding me tight, like his baby, and he set his paintbrush down for just a second so he could rock me and sing to me and kiss my forehead and tell me that im going to be ok.  im important enough to him for him to use me and i am not going to let this experience go by, this emotion to go by, without learning from it.
emotions are like dictators.  they run our lives and completely force us into a certain style of behavior.  im convinced that this is what makes humans so unpredictable, so bizarre, so multifaceted.  i know a lot of people,  some i know better than others, some i respect more than others, some inspire me, some intrigue me... theres no real pattern for the people that i hold higher than others. its just something about certain people that i am attracted to.  i have decided it is because those people on my pedestals have experienced real emotion and they have allowed those feelings to form them into real people. i am so thankful that i am finally able to recognize real emotions and that i am mature enough in my faith to see when god is using these emotions to mold me.  god knows who we are. he knows what gets us, he knows our weak spots, our strong spots. he can use what is most important to us to teach us what he needs us to know. my entire life i have been an animal lover. my earliest memories are of me spending the night on the concrete slab of a back porch with stray dogs at the family farm.  most of my best memories have an animal in them.  so of course god would get me where it counts. of course he would use a dog to teach me how to be a better human.  and i cant think of a better dog to use than my doodle.  thank you god for blessing my family with doodle. thank you for the 11 months that we were able to spend with him.  thank you for all the photos we have with him, for all the memories and stories that we will never lose.  thank you for loving me enough to use me.  thank you for your answered prayers and for spiritual growth. thank you for the venues to share what i learn with others so that ultimately, your name is praised, and you receive all the glory.  thank you for my heart for animals, i know you dont give it to everyone.  i praise you even as i suffer, because i know you are in control.  i continue to offer myself up to you as a living sacrifice and i dont back down from my desire to be a leader for your kingdom.  i love you god, more than doodle. and thats alot.  amen

the beach, backdeck, and recliner

not sure how to even begin. its maddening... this brain of mine. it seems that weekly i am inspired and am positive that i will surely grab a hold and run with it, but no. alas, i have become so inundated with myself that inspiration is hardly enough anymore. i fear that i am so accustomed to inspiration that i have become numb to it. i compare this to waking up underneath the pelican lamp at the beach condo. jumping out of bed and running down to the ocean with a quickness i do not experience when the 6:30 alarm sounds on a school day in kentucky.  i want to soak up every possible moment of the view of the white sand, the aquamarine stretch of ocean, the generous scattering of little purple clam shells, the delicate white foam of the surf.  it is SO spectacular and SO amazing, i often get a little bitter about it. here is my thought process..."these lucky people that get to live here, i bet they dont even KNOW what they have. they have lived here their whole life and they dont even realize how good they have it.  jerks.  if I lived here, I would appreciate it every second." i have even been so bold as to entertain the thought that "i would even be closer to god if i lived here." how could one NOT be when they are standing at the gate of heaven while they stand at the ocean's edge? 
im an idiot. if i am so blessed, i get to go to the beach for one week out of the year. i stay in a plush condo with a ridiculously awesome pool, hot tub and smoothie station, ok fine, a beach bar, whatever nestled exactly on the sand just yards from the waters edge. its the perfect weather, we go to restaurants for deeelishous food i didnt have to cook. we walk to the shake shop for cool treats. we have no agenda, no deadlines, no commitments... of course i could elevate myself to a place where i am smarter than a floridian to recognize the beauty and ridiculous awesomeness of the beach that they can't, because i am not there when the 6:30 alarm for school goes off. im not there when the windows have to have boards screwed into the sides of the houses because a storm is coming that may destroy their homes. im not there when its 110 degrees and the air conditioning breaks.  of course those people know how amazing it is there. im thinking that is PROBABLY why they live there. again. im an idiot.

yes. this is amazing.

fuhgetaboutit.
its wicked cool.
but guess what i forgot? i forgot about this....

 and this...

what i see every morning when i take the kids to school.  and this...

THAT, that is my backyard.
countless people have visited and proclaimed majesty in my kitchen. ive heard them lay down a deal with themselves that repeats quite like mine to the beach. "oh my... if I lived here i would stare at this all day long" "if i had this in my backyard i would come here and read my bible and revel in gods glory." i wonder if those holy rollers secretly think im a jerk because they are CERTAIN i dont appreciate it... WELL....it can be my own secret that i actually do know its there, that i often stop and enjoy it, BUT i do not read my bible there. i hardly ever bask in gods glory there. in fact, i hardly EVER read my bible. and i hardly EVER bask in gods glory.  i have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many opportunities. i just never take them. like being inspired and ignoring it. when i hear a GREAT song on klove and god tells me to write something about it and all i do is just jot it down on my notepad in my phone under "blog ideas", if even i do that.  like when i go to bed at night i tell myself that when i get up in the morning i am GOING to sit in the recliner and do my devotion but the reality is that i drag out of bed like a reluctant  child and rush the kids to school and come home and just "really quick" check my phone and then have to text about 14 times because it's really important and it will only take a second and while im texting i think of something and know that for SURE if i dont check online about it that it will be on my mind throughout my entire devotion and surely that wont be quality time with jesus because i will have a distracted mind (gasp! the sacrilege!) yet always ending up on stupid pinterest or etsy and then sophie wakes up and then ive texted 21 more times and then i have to go get groceries or do some laundry or crochet a hat (gotta check pinterest again to make sure i am making the cutest hat possible) run to the store or teach art class or bake a cake or sew a blanket or edit photos or crap i just accidentally watched the whole episode of baby story with sophie..... then i have to go pick up the kids than i have to do stuff that i dont even remember i did then i have to make supper and then i finally sit in the recliner. but i play drawsomething or watch tv or text 184,000 more times, or just fall asleep. and do you know what happens? hang on, i weep at the thought.......


i abandon my poppa.
i declare to him that i wasnt actually worth dieing for. i dont appreciate his suffering, i dont accept his gift of grace. he is sitting in the recliner waiting for me. so excited to get to spend time with me. just giddy with apprehension at the thought of me curling up beside him. me opening my bible and pouring over the pages with him and he can explain every word to me and give me fresh understanding.  this is his greatest desire. and i dont appreciate it.
I am the beach. he lives in me. he KNOWS the beauty that i have. he jumps up every morning and rushes to that recliner like there aint no 6:30 school alarm clock, just to sit with  me. and im the fool that lives at the beach and doesnt even know it.
and im also the fool that leaves him sitting in my recliner. dont i know i can take him with me everywhere i go? dont i know that if i hide his word in my heart i take his light with me? the times i am rushing about and giving my self aneurisms  because i dont know how im going to make it through my "oh so terrible life"... the times i walk by my backyard view and dont even know it. or even worse, the times i stand at my back deck and wish i lived at the beach....the times i dont appreciate the splendor of gods majesty because i think its better somewhere else.   the few moments i spend with jesus in the mornings only allows him to stay with me throughout the day. the truths i read about in his book stay fresh on me and allow him to be my flashlight as i stumble through that "terrible life" i just referred to above.  he cant ever get up from the recliner and follow me because i never invited him to. my invitation to him was that empty promise of "i am GOING to get up and do my devotion in the morning..."
jesus, my redeemer, my savior, i beg of you. please let me see myself more as the idiot i have allowed myself to be so that i can better see you sitting in the soft glow of the lamp beside the recliner in the early morning. make my mind available so that i can remove what hinders your word from absorbing into my heart.  scatter your fresh understanding in me like little purple clam shells that stud the sand under the ocean's surf.  quiet my soul so that i can revel in your splendor. the splendor that is my life. you made me as beautiful as the beach... my jesus, give me fresh eyes to appreciate it.  how i love you oh lord. how i am humbled in the truth that even though i ignore you, you are an unchanging god of mercy and grace and you never tire of my texting instead of devotion. that you are always there for me and always available. i want my relationship with you to be better, stronger, more substantial. god, i plead, make your conviction on me stronger. pour your spirit over me heavily.  make the desire of your heart be the desire of my heart. i bask in your glory. amen.

watching the sunrise

the time i enjoy being in my bed the most is that short hour or so that my husband gets up for work.  no offense chad, its great to have a hunky man to snuggle on, but i sure do love to be able to stretch out, use either pillow, wrap myself like a burrito in the blankets...... i'm kind of in that half way between sleep and reality state that is ahhhh so grand.  kinda hard to make myself get up from this spot, it's MY spot, my most favorite time of my entire day, i'm pretty sure i deserve this moment, because when i wake up, i turn into an overworked, stressed out, disorganized, maniac of a woman, so i seriously believe that there is no harm to lying in my soft warm cocoon for every possible second.  i've turned it into an art i would say. i can actually warp my own schedule and re plan my entire day in that zen state of mind. i make allowances and talk myself into rearranging my morning rituals to give myself even a measly 3 extra minutes.  you know, like, "oh, i don't have to take a shower now, i'll wait and take one after the kids go to school" or "i can let the kids sleep in, too.  we can just rush a little more today to make sure they get to school on time." or "i'll just pray right here, like this, god doesn't care where i am when i pray, he probably WANTS me to be able to enjoy my time right here in my bed" yep. excuses. i got 'em.
so this morning in particular, i decide, i'm gonna get up. yep. i'm going to get up at 6:15. (big sacrifice, i know, i HAVE to get up at 6:30) the sun is making the window glow orange, it was drawing me up out of the bed. i was anxious to check it out and maybe even grab a good photo. 
the sky today was intense. the sun was barely peeking up over the horizon, but the brilliant golden light from it was washing everything it touched.  a beautiful sight, i grabbed a photo, but it couldn't do justice for the beauty i could hardly believe was real. this kind of sunrise is unusual, for this odd brilliance of light to be so strong, and for a reason i suppose. from one side of my porch, the morning was glowing a butterscotch gold, from the other side of my porch, the sky was dark and overcast, a storm looming in the close distance.   i could see the divide in the sky, where the storm was touching the beautiful clear morning. big heavy raindrops began to spot the deck as i watched the darkness squelch the light.  it was amazing to see how the sun kept rising, even though every second the storm got closer and the sky got darker.  the brilliant light was now gone, but until the grey clouds had completely engulfed my point of view, i could still see that ball of red sun slowly inching up into the sky.
nature is like that.  the sun rises every single day. every single morning, we can know that no matter what, the sun will always rise. 
so now, hours later, it's light out, but not bright, the entire sky is grey.  the sun isn't visible, i'd say it's not even out.  i can't see it, no one around can see it, so it's not there, right?  if you've ever flown on an overcast day, you know that as soon as you get through the clouds, the sun is there. bright and shining, so much so that you couldn't dare look at it without burning your eyeballs out.  when that plane cuts through the layer of clouds, and you fly above them, it's a perfect sunny day. the clouds are below, like a thick heavy blanket, you can't see the ground below you, only a cottony floor.  above the clouds, is sunny, below the clouds is grey, rainy, chilly, yucky.  in knowing this, i realize that above this rainy sky i see, is a layer of clouds, and above those clouds, is the sun. shining and glowing like a champ. doing it's job no matter if i can see it or not.  it's helpful to me also that i got to see it rise this morning. so i know it's there. just like it was yesterday, and the day before.  just like it will be there tomorrow.  i'm glad i got out of bed early this morning.  i'm glad i got to sneak a peek at the sun before the clouds rolled in and hid it from me.  if i wouldn't have chosen to roll out of my cozy nest, i would have missed it and lived away this whole day grumbling about the sun being gone.  amazing how that short 15 minutes of my day has changed the way i'll live the rest of the minutes i'll be awake.
i could just fumble around and wish the hours away until i can get back in my bed, or i can be motivated and live this day as it was intended for me, helping people, being a good steward in my home, thanking god for my life.  even though i could easily chalk this cloudy may 23rd up as a loss, i need to realize that god is in control, he, like that sun, is glowing and shining, doing his job, even though im not really looking at him to see him doing it.  the thick layer of grey that i have put between he and i may mask his glory, but if i can reach up and punch holes through that cover and let the sun shine through, his beams of warm light will guide me, keep me energized, keep me on task.  remind me of his love for me and that i have a purpose here. 
just knowing he is there can sometimes be enough, but the only real way to allow jesus to be in control is to have an active relationship with him.  and that is the key to a satisfied life, it's so simple. all we have to do is read the bible and pray. pray for real. that means, just talking to god. like you would call your best friend.  tell him everything, like how your kids sassy mouth gets on your nerves, like how your messy house makes you crazy, like how your gramma is old and falling apart and how that makes you feel. like how your friend is dieing of cancer and that you are expecting a miracle.  like how your bank account is empty and theres bills to pay and glasses and braces and food to buy.  like how beautiful the flowers are in your yard and how happy and blessed you are that your kids are healthy, and happy. praying to tell him whats' on your heart, to thank him for what makes you happy and to grovel at his feet for what makes you ache.  and reading the bible so that we can know what is real, what is right, what we need to do as reactions and actions. 
the best time to read our bible and to pray to him is first thing in the morning, before we do anything else.  every moment i spend curled up in my happy bedtime place is a moment that i refuse to spend with jesus. if i've been alive for 100 sunrises, i've only gotten to see 3 of them because i refused to get up and look.  the sun has been there for every single one.  even the million that happened before i was alive.  its my choice to see the sun, to praise my maker.  its my decision whether i get up and witness the sunrise, to have my special time with jesus, or just lay in my bed.  i'm the one that makes the decision to let a grey sky dictate how my day will go or if i can peer through the clouds and know the sun is bright and real and allow that light to permeate me regardless of if it's visible or not.  god chose me, but i have to choose him back.  it's not easy.  waking up earlier than i have to is lame.  reading the bible can be boring and sometimes i get nothing out of it.  praying can become routine and mundane, especially when i feel like he can't hear me, or just doesn't care.  the grey days of a christ follower are ridiculously painful, and unfortunatley, inevitable.  but we can't let a gloriously comfortable bed or a thick layer of menecing clouds keep us in the grey. we have to make the effort.  we have to have our special, most favorite time of our days be the time we spend with jesus.  the time we watch the sun rise.  that time, however brief or drawn out, will change the way we think, the way we feel, the way we live.  the distraction free time we spend with him is well spent. it will improve us, it will empower us, it will satisfy us.  i speak from experience, the days i get up at 5 am and pour over scriptures and ramble on in prayer to my papa are days that glorious. even in suffering, i can rejoice on those days.  but the days i just roll over and shrug off the sunrise... those are the days that are riddled with crap.  crap i dont make wise decisions about.  running my mouth, hollering and carrying on, gossiping, whining, complaining, wallering in self pity, grumbling.... all those actions make for terrible reactions.  granted, im not a saint of my "mornings with jesus" days, but i am telling the truth that those days are better.  like a good cup of coffee can make my day run smoother, a little bit of bible and jesus face time can do the same. 
so tonight, before i go to bed, i'm going to pray that i will have to pee like a racehorse at 5 am, so i will HAVE to get up.  then i wont have an excuse. no matter how cozy by beddy bye will be.

happy tree

taking a mini vacation for me means driving to the super walmart 30 miles away while the littles are at school.  lame.  me, alone in my salty dirt crusted sleathy black ninja van. fantastical.  i took said vacation the other day, and rather than chatting on the phone the entire time, i chose to jam out to some tunes. well, i can't hardly bring myself to change the channel from my beloved klove, although fist pumping "tie you to the bed and set this house on fire" eminem song would have been so awesome.  so, being the holy and righteous woman of god that i am, i just left the radio tuned in to scott and kelly in the morning.  i've been all blahhh lately, well, not lately, always. i AM the emo mother.  so any chance i get for a little soul smile, i GOTTA take it.  come on god, hook me up through some song on the radio.
so im driving and the music is on and im just looking around at the ridiculous bland and downright depressing landscapes.  brown, grey, chilly, wet, lifeless, boring, mundane, predictable.... even though i am driving a road i rarley travel and the scenery is a bit different that what i see everyday, i know every turn on the road, every time i reach the horizon, every next mile, i'm gonna see the same thing. stupid ugly winter world.  snowless, i might add, because at least snow adds a sparkling beauty to a stale outdoors.
i guess this kind of surrounding can make a person even more emo.  so im driving along just trying to think about the fabric i'm gonna get for the apron on my mind. doo dee doo dee doo........
so then, this song comes on the radio that i LOVE.  mercy me, who nevers fails to deliver a song bursting with praise that sucks me in every time... you know the one, "all of creation, sing with me now, fill up the heavens let his glory resound"  you know the one???
so instantly, the holy spirit floods me and i am singing in the loudest dieing animal singing voice i can muster and i am scanning the passing scenery trying to find the creation worshipping him.  where is it? where is that spot that i can see the rocks crying out? i can't find it, and i must admit, i was starting to feel a little freaked out that i was worshipping harder than the stupid trees. 
then it hit me.
wait a minute now. why was i looking for a bright delicate flower blooming on the side of the road amidst the rocks and dirt and dead grass? why was i searching the bare limbs of the naked trees for a telltale sign of immaculate creation?  hey trees, i see you. i see you just the way you are.
i see the branches all lifting straight up to the sky as high as they can go, like they are reaching up to the heavens.  i see them all in unison, they are all doing the same thing, side by side, those branches, just reaching up.  the wind can push them and pull them, but they stay upright, swaying a bit, but steadily reaching.  i can see through the branches, i can see the trees behind them, i can see the sky through them, i can see so much further past them since there are no leaves blocking my view.
i see it. i see creation worshipping.  wow, i love it.
what about me then, i thought. when i am stripped to a skeleton and feel cold and lifeless and dead, do i keep my arms outstretched? do i keep my hands lifted up as high as they can reach??? um, that would have to be a big no.  i do not.  i hunker down in my whiney baby depression and convince myself that i am alone, that i am worthless, that i suck.  i'm stupid. no, really, i am stupid. none of that is even true.  in my husband and friends alone i am not alone and i am not worthless and maybe i suck to them, but mostly they tell me that i am awesome and that they love me and that i make cool stuff, so i should probably stop being so emo.  (why do i keep saying emo. pretty sure it isn't giving me cool points... )
so anyway, more than my friends or family could love me and comfort me, god is so much bigger than them and he loves me waaaay more. if i was the only person ever to be born, he still would have endured unfathomable suffering to die for me.  top that friend.  so why do let myself feel like a leafless tree so often.
so i think, if im a winter time tree, i have to be a summer time tree, too, right? well sure.
so here's the extreme symbolism that i enjoy so much.
people are trees.
in the summer time, or pleasant, happy times of our lives, we are full of shiny green leaves. our branches are heavy with fruit and blossoms and we cast a huge shadow with dots of dancing sun peeping through.we are beautiful, and everyone wants to be like us because we raise property value and we look really nice, i mean, a perfect tree is an awesome sight.  (how cool would it be to live in florida as a tree where we never have to go through autumn and have our leaves die on us and be pillaged by the wind as it rips the leaves right off us.  and especially in the winter when we have to just stand there all naked and exposed and no way to even have dignity through it all. although, in florida, they have hurricanes and i have seen palm trees with the entire tops just ripped off.... ouch) how easy is it though to just be satisfied by your lush summer branches.  seems like a summer tree doesn't need anything else because they have it all already. 
i admire the winter tree.  i think it is easier to see jesus in a winter tree.  see, me as a winter tree seeks jesus harder.  when i am at my lowest and feel vulnerable, that's when i shoudl be rushing to jesus harder. when all the happy green leaves are ripped off me, and my very inside parts are just there, showing, i need to be sure that my branches are lifted up as high as they can go, that my hands are reaching up up up to him.  and through my agony, the other trees can see right through me, they can see the sky on the other side. me not letting the winds of my trials rape the branches right off me, but just be strong and let those tough times just make me sway in their blowing.
so here i am. a skeleton tree.  with my arms lifted high and praise on my lips.  my roots run deep and strong in the rich soil of my god.  my strong trunk sturdy and supported by my jesus. my branches being held up by the power of the holy spirit.  i can not be shaken, i can not be pushed down.  you may have to strain your eyes to see the beauty in me,  but when you find it, it is only that of a reflection of the love of my father as he cradles me against his chest.
im a happy tree.

S.A.D.

in the summer time, when the sun is so bright, you have to have on shades before you go out into it, and and when it's so hot eggs can be fried on the car top and old people die in their stuffy apartments and people leave mean notes on windshields if the car windows aren't down when a dog is inside.  when the best idea for spending a day is to steep in a pool of chemically enhanced water with about 150 other practically naked people who seem to constantly be bumping into you.  when all the kids that live within 5 miles i think have to all be in my yard.  in the summer time, i am happy.  now, not so much.  now, when i must keep every body part covered with warmers woven out of yarn.  now, when i can't hardly be spotted without my tattered blue robe snuggly tied around my middle.  now when all i wanna do is eat chocolate cake and brownies and oreos and chili with fritos and cheese and sour cream.  now, when i peer out my window and hope for a glimpse of my awe striking summer sky, but instead only see the grey expanse and the brown grass and skeleton trees and eerily still yards.  its these days that i dont go out to the barn to visit my horses, that i dont lay in the grass and snuggle my dogs. these days i dont take cupcakes to my neighbors or rally up my girlfriends for a day trip to kalamazoo.  these days when i really could care less about the laundry or if my hair is clean.  the grill is quiet and cold, the meat i prepare for supper on these days is just thrown in the oven or mixed up in a dish with creamy soup and stove top.  im not really sure how it gets this way or why it has to be so different.  but it is.
i've heard a couple different attempts at diagnosis for my winter pout.  there is this thing called "seasonal affective disorder".  it so appropriately carries itself on it's initials... S.A.D.  funny.  do you know that researchers believe that people that are SAD have a sensitivity to light and the absence of that said light plunges them into winter depression?  and how about this, the light that is most critical for the SADs to get is the morning light.  you know that kind. the kind that streams through your bedroom window in the morning in july that seems to sprinkle happy on your eyelids practically forcing them to pop open.  apparently we have this internal clock, some scientist or doctor or person who went to school for a really long time to become very smart and gets to label our selves with wierd names, says that people have what's called a "circadian clock".  that said gloriously beaming morning sun apparently resets our clock, allowing us to wake up happy, refreshed, and not SAD. so, in the winter time, when the sun likes to sleep in thus forcing the human race to have to pry themselves out of bed in the sleepy dark morning, our circus clocks or whatever are forgotten and not reset and we are doomed to live out the days in agony. 
well that's stupid.  i'm not sure who made up SAD, or who looked in my body cavities and saw my clock, or really, i dont even care who the wise old wizard is that makes us have to change the time around like wierdos.  i am probably just not going to claim this said SAD for myself. heres why.
if i look above and see what i am NOT doing during the winter time, i can pretty much see why i am a pitiful, sad (the regular sad, not the seasonal sad), miserable, confused mess. where's the love? where did it go?  i LOVE my barn. when we came to look at our house to consider purchase, it was locked, so we looked in the barn. we decided right then and there to buy the house, who cares what's behind that door, LOOK at this barn!!!!!  i LOVE my horses. i love how they smell, i love how their noses feel like cold velvet and i love that they let me rub that velvet and they let me even press my cheek against them and they dont bite my face off. i love how even though they weigh like 1, 476 pounds, they look like delicate ballerinas as they prance around the field on their dainty hoofs.  i love how they make me feel small while i cling to their necks and i love how free i feel when i am on their backs and racing down the road with the wind blowing my hair.  i LOVE my dogs. well, most of them. i love how whenever i open the door, they run to me and compete for my hands to pat their heads. and backs, and bellys... i love how no matter where i go outside, they are right there beside me. i never feed the horses alone. i never take my evening jog alone (even when i try like a ninja to sneak away).  i love how they stay right by my side when i am out in the berry bushes contracting chiggers but not caring because blackberry cobbler is stuff of heaven. and who couldn't love that they are so cool they can pluck blackberries right from the bush and i just concentrate on the ones up top, because they call dibs on the low ones. i LOVE that my yard is the collection pool for all the neighborhood kids. i love seeing 7 little people squealing with delight as they bounce into the clear blue sky as high as they can go on the trampoline.  i love the creak of the swingset and seeing dirty little toes tip up over wildly flying hair.  i love lounging on the porch swing with my man in the evenings after supper and being the lucky one to have a front row seat to the grandest dance performances in all of the lands. (after all, what better place for little girls to twirl and sing than that of a wide front porch) i LOVE those day long weekly trips to the public pool with my girlfriends even though sometimes heat exhaustion comes into play, or the super round man who is festooned with skeleton tattoos that you can barely make out for his thick carpet of body hair seems to always be in your line of vision, or the box of cheez-its gets dumped out on your towel, or some kid doesn't realize that "dropping your kids off at the pool" isn't a free invitation to actually poop in the pool.  i LOVE making treats in the kitchen and delivering them to the neighbors. i have magnificent neighbors and not much makes me happier than to see their sheer delight when they peel back the plastic to unveil what kind of delight i brought them this time. (the saucepan brownies so far are the favorite)
so i believe i have solved the problem that i have.  my winter pout. i am an idiot. problem solved.
all i have done is let this cold air take away my LOVE. the things that i love the most, the things that have been worth mentioning, i don't do them. so.... i have no love.  how can i expect to be happy and to thrive in my existance without love??? well, i'll save myself the brain energy trying to figure it out.  i can't.  see, i know something. it may be a secret to some people, but it's not to me. the greatest thing that could ever be is love. it says so everywhere. in songs, in poems, in lectures, in sermons, in a parents promise, in a wedding kiss, in a baby's first breath.... but more than all of those locations, it says so in the bible. jesus said it. i know because it is in red in my book and all of the words jesus said are in red. it says it in black, too. in fact, the word love is in the bible so often, that one could conclude that the bible is the book of love, or that the person that commissioned that book is all about love. so i guess the saying is true then? "god is love" ... i am going to say yes. it's all true.  so what in the world does making brownies and petting dogs and jesus have to do with each other and why am i so not myself in the winter???  everything. when humans love and when humans act on said love, they are only proving to the world that they are christ's disciples. (john 13:35)  i guess i must specify when i refer to humans. when a human has christ in them, in their heart, that's the kind of love i refer to acting on.  anybody can simply love, but when that body can love in a christ like manner, everything changes and it is magical.  so my absence of love has been an absence of christ. he is my life blood, my bread, my fire, my drive. i have just allowed myself to seep away from him and in doing that, nothing has meaning or purpose.  it just isn't even exciting to get up hardly. i just crawl around and find myself bumping into my routine of a life. keeping busy with tasks that are joyless and ridiculous.  i try to stay above the current. i get out my bible every couple of days and do a little follow along devotion time in my current small group study. or even crack open my 90 day devotional that i have drug on to last a riotous 365 days to the letter and i am only still on day 42.  oh yes, i am so holy and righteous. i'm just not in it to win it right now.  and i wonder why i have an acute case of the S.A.D.s.  duh.
so here is my solution.
i need light. jesus is light.
i need critical early morning light.  we are suppossed to have our quiet time with jesus in the first part of our day.
the greatest of all is love. there are things i love to do that make me feel full of love.
so here is my equation for winter happiness. (me being the math genius and all)

morning devotion with jesus that is real and on purpose and sincere + include daily activities that make my love organ swell = happy

it's on like donkey kong. 

if you live near me, expect brownies.

the newly born

so ive been blogging in my head for years now and after finally sitting down and surfing this web and being inspired by others, it seems only right to write it all down.
its all just based on my what's inside me and what it all means.  what it means to me and to my family and to my community and to my world.
when im driving down the road and streaming thoughts rush through my mind and i dont know what it means but it makes perfect sense and im sure that it would sound great if i said it out loud.
when im watching my kids run through my messy house and am not sure if i want to join in the squealing childlike bliss, send them to their rooms, or just drive away.
when i see myself in the small waist high mirror in my bathroom and wonder how i got to look like this and if im too old for pink hair and a bikini.
when im at the grocery and my mouth waters for greek yogurt and foreign cheese and the big round crackers that appear to be gourmet and the exotic fruits and fancy olives and panko crumbs and raspberry vinaigrette in the actual glass bottles... but what ends up in the cart is boxes of store brand products like mac n cheese and tortillas and spaghetti sauce.
when that said cart is the engine to the crazy train of ridiculously loud and completely ridiculous and the caboose is the most unexplainable 4 year old in the history of the world.
when i cant even try to control the urge to pull over on the street side and take pictures of the clouds, because they have never been this gorgeous and for sure, will never be again.
when the day that im living makes me wonder why im here, how a soul can feel such anguish, and what a broken mess i am.
when the day that i am living makes me feel like i could fly through the sky and squeal with delight that this day was made for me and what a tiny humble human i really am to have the sheer intense blessing and joy to be given another morning to wake up and enjoy.
when all the people i love the most are in their beds and the house is quiet and i can shamelessly scour etsy and window shop to my hearts content with no distractions.  or edit photos of beautiful people till i am so proud my smile could break my face.  or veg on my super enveloping denim couch and watch silliness on tv that makes me forget what time it is.
or when i have interruptions like my young children in the kitchen making their own lunches and arguing the entire time over things that dont even make sense but loving it because time flys and soon they will all be gone, in their own lives in the their own houses, with their own stories and dreams.
when i know that my life is an effect of love.
when i know that my life is affected by love.
when the time is right to give birth to a blog.