the time i enjoy being in my bed the most is that short hour or so that my husband gets up for work. no offense chad, its great to have a hunky man to snuggle on, but i sure do love to be able to stretch out, use either pillow, wrap myself like a burrito in the blankets...... i'm kind of in that half way between sleep and reality state that is ahhhh so grand. kinda hard to make myself get up from this spot, it's MY spot, my most favorite time of my entire day, i'm pretty sure i deserve this moment, because when i wake up, i turn into an overworked, stressed out, disorganized, maniac of a woman, so i seriously believe that there is no harm to lying in my soft warm cocoon for every possible second. i've turned it into an art i would say. i can actually warp my own schedule and re plan my entire day in that zen state of mind. i make allowances and talk myself into rearranging my morning rituals to give myself even a measly 3 extra minutes. you know, like, "oh, i don't have to take a shower now, i'll wait and take one after the kids go to school" or "i can let the kids sleep in, too. we can just rush a little more today to make sure they get to school on time." or "i'll just pray right here, like this, god doesn't care where i am when i pray, he probably WANTS me to be able to enjoy my time right here in my bed" yep. excuses. i got 'em.
so this morning in particular, i decide, i'm gonna get up. yep. i'm going to get up at 6:15. (big sacrifice, i know, i HAVE to get up at 6:30) the sun is making the window glow orange, it was drawing me up out of the bed. i was anxious to check it out and maybe even grab a good photo.
the sky today was intense. the sun was barely peeking up over the horizon, but the brilliant golden light from it was washing everything it touched. a beautiful sight, i grabbed a photo, but it couldn't do justice for the beauty i could hardly believe was real. this kind of sunrise is unusual, for this odd brilliance of light to be so strong, and for a reason i suppose. from one side of my porch, the morning was glowing a butterscotch gold, from the other side of my porch, the sky was dark and overcast, a storm looming in the close distance. i could see the divide in the sky, where the storm was touching the beautiful clear morning. big heavy raindrops began to spot the deck as i watched the darkness squelch the light. it was amazing to see how the sun kept rising, even though every second the storm got closer and the sky got darker. the brilliant light was now gone, but until the grey clouds had completely engulfed my point of view, i could still see that ball of red sun slowly inching up into the sky.
nature is like that. the sun rises every single day. every single morning, we can know that no matter what, the sun will always rise.
so now, hours later, it's light out, but not bright, the entire sky is grey. the sun isn't visible, i'd say it's not even out. i can't see it, no one around can see it, so it's not there, right? if you've ever flown on an overcast day, you know that as soon as you get through the clouds, the sun is there. bright and shining, so much so that you couldn't dare look at it without burning your eyeballs out. when that plane cuts through the layer of clouds, and you fly above them, it's a perfect sunny day. the clouds are below, like a thick heavy blanket, you can't see the ground below you, only a cottony floor. above the clouds, is sunny, below the clouds is grey, rainy, chilly, yucky. in knowing this, i realize that above this rainy sky i see, is a layer of clouds, and above those clouds, is the sun. shining and glowing like a champ. doing it's job no matter if i can see it or not. it's helpful to me also that i got to see it rise this morning. so i know it's there. just like it was yesterday, and the day before. just like it will be there tomorrow. i'm glad i got out of bed early this morning. i'm glad i got to sneak a peek at the sun before the clouds rolled in and hid it from me. if i wouldn't have chosen to roll out of my cozy nest, i would have missed it and lived away this whole day grumbling about the sun being gone. amazing how that short 15 minutes of my day has changed the way i'll live the rest of the minutes i'll be awake.
i could just fumble around and wish the hours away until i can get back in my bed, or i can be motivated and live this day as it was intended for me, helping people, being a good steward in my home, thanking god for my life. even though i could easily chalk this cloudy may 23rd up as a loss, i need to realize that god is in control, he, like that sun, is glowing and shining, doing his job, even though im not really looking at him to see him doing it. the thick layer of grey that i have put between he and i may mask his glory, but if i can reach up and punch holes through that cover and let the sun shine through, his beams of warm light will guide me, keep me energized, keep me on task. remind me of his love for me and that i have a purpose here.
just knowing he is there can sometimes be enough, but the only real way to allow jesus to be in control is to have an active relationship with him. and that is the key to a satisfied life, it's so simple. all we have to do is read the bible and pray. pray for real. that means, just talking to god. like you would call your best friend. tell him everything, like how your kids sassy mouth gets on your nerves, like how your messy house makes you crazy, like how your gramma is old and falling apart and how that makes you feel. like how your friend is dieing of cancer and that you are expecting a miracle. like how your bank account is empty and theres bills to pay and glasses and braces and food to buy. like how beautiful the flowers are in your yard and how happy and blessed you are that your kids are healthy, and happy. praying to tell him whats' on your heart, to thank him for what makes you happy and to grovel at his feet for what makes you ache. and reading the bible so that we can know what is real, what is right, what we need to do as reactions and actions.
the best time to read our bible and to pray to him is first thing in the morning, before we do anything else. every moment i spend curled up in my happy bedtime place is a moment that i refuse to spend with jesus. if i've been alive for 100 sunrises, i've only gotten to see 3 of them because i refused to get up and look. the sun has been there for every single one. even the million that happened before i was alive. its my choice to see the sun, to praise my maker. its my decision whether i get up and witness the sunrise, to have my special time with jesus, or just lay in my bed. i'm the one that makes the decision to let a grey sky dictate how my day will go or if i can peer through the clouds and know the sun is bright and real and allow that light to permeate me regardless of if it's visible or not. god chose me, but i have to choose him back. it's not easy. waking up earlier than i have to is lame. reading the bible can be boring and sometimes i get nothing out of it. praying can become routine and mundane, especially when i feel like he can't hear me, or just doesn't care. the grey days of a christ follower are ridiculously painful, and unfortunatley, inevitable. but we can't let a gloriously comfortable bed or a thick layer of menecing clouds keep us in the grey. we have to make the effort. we have to have our special, most favorite time of our days be the time we spend with jesus. the time we watch the sun rise. that time, however brief or drawn out, will change the way we think, the way we feel, the way we live. the distraction free time we spend with him is well spent. it will improve us, it will empower us, it will satisfy us. i speak from experience, the days i get up at 5 am and pour over scriptures and ramble on in prayer to my papa are days that glorious. even in suffering, i can rejoice on those days. but the days i just roll over and shrug off the sunrise... those are the days that are riddled with crap. crap i dont make wise decisions about. running my mouth, hollering and carrying on, gossiping, whining, complaining, wallering in self pity, grumbling.... all those actions make for terrible reactions. granted, im not a saint of my "mornings with jesus" days, but i am telling the truth that those days are better. like a good cup of coffee can make my day run smoother, a little bit of bible and jesus face time can do the same.
so tonight, before i go to bed, i'm going to pray that i will have to pee like a racehorse at 5 am, so i will HAVE to get up. then i wont have an excuse. no matter how cozy by beddy bye will be.
the stuff god wants me to say out loud. just for you.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
happy tree
taking a mini vacation for me means driving to the super walmart 30 miles away while the littles are at school. lame. me, alone in my salty dirt crusted sleathy black ninja van. fantastical. i took said vacation the other day, and rather than chatting on the phone the entire time, i chose to jam out to some tunes. well, i can't hardly bring myself to change the channel from my beloved klove, although fist pumping "tie you to the bed and set this house on fire" eminem song would have been so awesome. so, being the holy and righteous woman of god that i am, i just left the radio tuned in to scott and kelly in the morning. i've been all blahhh lately, well, not lately, always. i AM the emo mother. so any chance i get for a little soul smile, i GOTTA take it. come on god, hook me up through some song on the radio.
so im driving and the music is on and im just looking around at the ridiculous bland and downright depressing landscapes. brown, grey, chilly, wet, lifeless, boring, mundane, predictable.... even though i am driving a road i rarley travel and the scenery is a bit different that what i see everyday, i know every turn on the road, every time i reach the horizon, every next mile, i'm gonna see the same thing. stupid ugly winter world. snowless, i might add, because at least snow adds a sparkling beauty to a stale outdoors.
i guess this kind of surrounding can make a person even more emo. so im driving along just trying to think about the fabric i'm gonna get for the apron on my mind. doo dee doo dee doo........
so then, this song comes on the radio that i LOVE. mercy me, who nevers fails to deliver a song bursting with praise that sucks me in every time... you know the one, "all of creation, sing with me now, fill up the heavens let his glory resound" you know the one???
so instantly, the holy spirit floods me and i am singing in the loudest dieing animal singing voice i can muster and i am scanning the passing scenery trying to find the creation worshipping him. where is it? where is that spot that i can see the rocks crying out? i can't find it, and i must admit, i was starting to feel a little freaked out that i was worshipping harder than the stupid trees.
then it hit me.
wait a minute now. why was i looking for a bright delicate flower blooming on the side of the road amidst the rocks and dirt and dead grass? why was i searching the bare limbs of the naked trees for a telltale sign of immaculate creation? hey trees, i see you. i see you just the way you are.
i see the branches all lifting straight up to the sky as high as they can go, like they are reaching up to the heavens. i see them all in unison, they are all doing the same thing, side by side, those branches, just reaching up. the wind can push them and pull them, but they stay upright, swaying a bit, but steadily reaching. i can see through the branches, i can see the trees behind them, i can see the sky through them, i can see so much further past them since there are no leaves blocking my view.
i see it. i see creation worshipping. wow, i love it.
what about me then, i thought. when i am stripped to a skeleton and feel cold and lifeless and dead, do i keep my arms outstretched? do i keep my hands lifted up as high as they can reach??? um, that would have to be a big no. i do not. i hunker down in my whiney baby depression and convince myself that i am alone, that i am worthless, that i suck. i'm stupid. no, really, i am stupid. none of that is even true. in my husband and friends alone i am not alone and i am not worthless and maybe i suck to them, but mostly they tell me that i am awesome and that they love me and that i make cool stuff, so i should probably stop being so emo. (why do i keep saying emo. pretty sure it isn't giving me cool points... )
so anyway, more than my friends or family could love me and comfort me, god is so much bigger than them and he loves me waaaay more. if i was the only person ever to be born, he still would have endured unfathomable suffering to die for me. top that friend. so why do let myself feel like a leafless tree so often.
so i think, if im a winter time tree, i have to be a summer time tree, too, right? well sure.
so here's the extreme symbolism that i enjoy so much.
people are trees.
in the summer time, or pleasant, happy times of our lives, we are full of shiny green leaves. our branches are heavy with fruit and blossoms and we cast a huge shadow with dots of dancing sun peeping through.we are beautiful, and everyone wants to be like us because we raise property value and we look really nice, i mean, a perfect tree is an awesome sight. (how cool would it be to live in florida as a tree where we never have to go through autumn and have our leaves die on us and be pillaged by the wind as it rips the leaves right off us. and especially in the winter when we have to just stand there all naked and exposed and no way to even have dignity through it all. although, in florida, they have hurricanes and i have seen palm trees with the entire tops just ripped off.... ouch) how easy is it though to just be satisfied by your lush summer branches. seems like a summer tree doesn't need anything else because they have it all already.
i admire the winter tree. i think it is easier to see jesus in a winter tree. see, me as a winter tree seeks jesus harder. when i am at my lowest and feel vulnerable, that's when i shoudl be rushing to jesus harder. when all the happy green leaves are ripped off me, and my very inside parts are just there, showing, i need to be sure that my branches are lifted up as high as they can go, that my hands are reaching up up up to him. and through my agony, the other trees can see right through me, they can see the sky on the other side. me not letting the winds of my trials rape the branches right off me, but just be strong and let those tough times just make me sway in their blowing.
so here i am. a skeleton tree. with my arms lifted high and praise on my lips. my roots run deep and strong in the rich soil of my god. my strong trunk sturdy and supported by my jesus. my branches being held up by the power of the holy spirit. i can not be shaken, i can not be pushed down. you may have to strain your eyes to see the beauty in me, but when you find it, it is only that of a reflection of the love of my father as he cradles me against his chest.
im a happy tree.
so im driving and the music is on and im just looking around at the ridiculous bland and downright depressing landscapes. brown, grey, chilly, wet, lifeless, boring, mundane, predictable.... even though i am driving a road i rarley travel and the scenery is a bit different that what i see everyday, i know every turn on the road, every time i reach the horizon, every next mile, i'm gonna see the same thing. stupid ugly winter world. snowless, i might add, because at least snow adds a sparkling beauty to a stale outdoors.
i guess this kind of surrounding can make a person even more emo. so im driving along just trying to think about the fabric i'm gonna get for the apron on my mind. doo dee doo dee doo........
so then, this song comes on the radio that i LOVE. mercy me, who nevers fails to deliver a song bursting with praise that sucks me in every time... you know the one, "all of creation, sing with me now, fill up the heavens let his glory resound" you know the one???
so instantly, the holy spirit floods me and i am singing in the loudest dieing animal singing voice i can muster and i am scanning the passing scenery trying to find the creation worshipping him. where is it? where is that spot that i can see the rocks crying out? i can't find it, and i must admit, i was starting to feel a little freaked out that i was worshipping harder than the stupid trees.
then it hit me.
wait a minute now. why was i looking for a bright delicate flower blooming on the side of the road amidst the rocks and dirt and dead grass? why was i searching the bare limbs of the naked trees for a telltale sign of immaculate creation? hey trees, i see you. i see you just the way you are.
i see the branches all lifting straight up to the sky as high as they can go, like they are reaching up to the heavens. i see them all in unison, they are all doing the same thing, side by side, those branches, just reaching up. the wind can push them and pull them, but they stay upright, swaying a bit, but steadily reaching. i can see through the branches, i can see the trees behind them, i can see the sky through them, i can see so much further past them since there are no leaves blocking my view.
i see it. i see creation worshipping. wow, i love it.
what about me then, i thought. when i am stripped to a skeleton and feel cold and lifeless and dead, do i keep my arms outstretched? do i keep my hands lifted up as high as they can reach??? um, that would have to be a big no. i do not. i hunker down in my whiney baby depression and convince myself that i am alone, that i am worthless, that i suck. i'm stupid. no, really, i am stupid. none of that is even true. in my husband and friends alone i am not alone and i am not worthless and maybe i suck to them, but mostly they tell me that i am awesome and that they love me and that i make cool stuff, so i should probably stop being so emo. (why do i keep saying emo. pretty sure it isn't giving me cool points... )
so anyway, more than my friends or family could love me and comfort me, god is so much bigger than them and he loves me waaaay more. if i was the only person ever to be born, he still would have endured unfathomable suffering to die for me. top that friend. so why do let myself feel like a leafless tree so often.
so i think, if im a winter time tree, i have to be a summer time tree, too, right? well sure.
so here's the extreme symbolism that i enjoy so much.
people are trees.
in the summer time, or pleasant, happy times of our lives, we are full of shiny green leaves. our branches are heavy with fruit and blossoms and we cast a huge shadow with dots of dancing sun peeping through.we are beautiful, and everyone wants to be like us because we raise property value and we look really nice, i mean, a perfect tree is an awesome sight. (how cool would it be to live in florida as a tree where we never have to go through autumn and have our leaves die on us and be pillaged by the wind as it rips the leaves right off us. and especially in the winter when we have to just stand there all naked and exposed and no way to even have dignity through it all. although, in florida, they have hurricanes and i have seen palm trees with the entire tops just ripped off.... ouch) how easy is it though to just be satisfied by your lush summer branches. seems like a summer tree doesn't need anything else because they have it all already.
i admire the winter tree. i think it is easier to see jesus in a winter tree. see, me as a winter tree seeks jesus harder. when i am at my lowest and feel vulnerable, that's when i shoudl be rushing to jesus harder. when all the happy green leaves are ripped off me, and my very inside parts are just there, showing, i need to be sure that my branches are lifted up as high as they can go, that my hands are reaching up up up to him. and through my agony, the other trees can see right through me, they can see the sky on the other side. me not letting the winds of my trials rape the branches right off me, but just be strong and let those tough times just make me sway in their blowing.
so here i am. a skeleton tree. with my arms lifted high and praise on my lips. my roots run deep and strong in the rich soil of my god. my strong trunk sturdy and supported by my jesus. my branches being held up by the power of the holy spirit. i can not be shaken, i can not be pushed down. you may have to strain your eyes to see the beauty in me, but when you find it, it is only that of a reflection of the love of my father as he cradles me against his chest.
im a happy tree.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
S.A.D.
in the summer time, when the sun is so bright, you have to have on shades before you go out into it, and and when it's so hot eggs can be fried on the car top and old people die in their stuffy apartments and people leave mean notes on windshields if the car windows aren't down when a dog is inside. when the best idea for spending a day is to steep in a pool of chemically enhanced water with about 150 other practically naked people who seem to constantly be bumping into you. when all the kids that live within 5 miles i think have to all be in my yard. in the summer time, i am happy. now, not so much. now, when i must keep every body part covered with warmers woven out of yarn. now, when i can't hardly be spotted without my tattered blue robe snuggly tied around my middle. now when all i wanna do is eat chocolate cake and brownies and oreos and chili with fritos and cheese and sour cream. now, when i peer out my window and hope for a glimpse of my awe striking summer sky, but instead only see the grey expanse and the brown grass and skeleton trees and eerily still yards. its these days that i dont go out to the barn to visit my horses, that i dont lay in the grass and snuggle my dogs. these days i dont take cupcakes to my neighbors or rally up my girlfriends for a day trip to kalamazoo. these days when i really could care less about the laundry or if my hair is clean. the grill is quiet and cold, the meat i prepare for supper on these days is just thrown in the oven or mixed up in a dish with creamy soup and stove top. im not really sure how it gets this way or why it has to be so different. but it is.
i've heard a couple different attempts at diagnosis for my winter pout. there is this thing called "seasonal affective disorder". it so appropriately carries itself on it's initials... S.A.D. funny. do you know that researchers believe that people that are SAD have a sensitivity to light and the absence of that said light plunges them into winter depression? and how about this, the light that is most critical for the SADs to get is the morning light. you know that kind. the kind that streams through your bedroom window in the morning in july that seems to sprinkle happy on your eyelids practically forcing them to pop open. apparently we have this internal clock, some scientist or doctor or person who went to school for a really long time to become very smart and gets to label our selves with wierd names, says that people have what's called a "circadian clock". that said gloriously beaming morning sun apparently resets our clock, allowing us to wake up happy, refreshed, and not SAD. so, in the winter time, when the sun likes to sleep in thus forcing the human race to have to pry themselves out of bed in the sleepy dark morning, our circus clocks or whatever are forgotten and not reset and we are doomed to live out the days in agony.
well that's stupid. i'm not sure who made up SAD, or who looked in my body cavities and saw my clock, or really, i dont even care who the wise old wizard is that makes us have to change the time around like wierdos. i am probably just not going to claim this said SAD for myself. heres why.
if i look above and see what i am NOT doing during the winter time, i can pretty much see why i am a pitiful, sad (the regular sad, not the seasonal sad), miserable, confused mess. where's the love? where did it go? i LOVE my barn. when we came to look at our house to consider purchase, it was locked, so we looked in the barn. we decided right then and there to buy the house, who cares what's behind that door, LOOK at this barn!!!!! i LOVE my horses. i love how they smell, i love how their noses feel like cold velvet and i love that they let me rub that velvet and they let me even press my cheek against them and they dont bite my face off. i love how even though they weigh like 1, 476 pounds, they look like delicate ballerinas as they prance around the field on their dainty hoofs. i love how they make me feel small while i cling to their necks and i love how free i feel when i am on their backs and racing down the road with the wind blowing my hair. i LOVE my dogs. well, most of them. i love how whenever i open the door, they run to me and compete for my hands to pat their heads. and backs, and bellys... i love how no matter where i go outside, they are right there beside me. i never feed the horses alone. i never take my evening jog alone (even when i try like a ninja to sneak away). i love how they stay right by my side when i am out in the berry bushes contracting chiggers but not caring because blackberry cobbler is stuff of heaven. and who couldn't love that they are so cool they can pluck blackberries right from the bush and i just concentrate on the ones up top, because they call dibs on the low ones. i LOVE that my yard is the collection pool for all the neighborhood kids. i love seeing 7 little people squealing with delight as they bounce into the clear blue sky as high as they can go on the trampoline. i love the creak of the swingset and seeing dirty little toes tip up over wildly flying hair. i love lounging on the porch swing with my man in the evenings after supper and being the lucky one to have a front row seat to the grandest dance performances in all of the lands. (after all, what better place for little girls to twirl and sing than that of a wide front porch) i LOVE those day long weekly trips to the public pool with my girlfriends even though sometimes heat exhaustion comes into play, or the super round man who is festooned with skeleton tattoos that you can barely make out for his thick carpet of body hair seems to always be in your line of vision, or the box of cheez-its gets dumped out on your towel, or some kid doesn't realize that "dropping your kids off at the pool" isn't a free invitation to actually poop in the pool. i LOVE making treats in the kitchen and delivering them to the neighbors. i have magnificent neighbors and not much makes me happier than to see their sheer delight when they peel back the plastic to unveil what kind of delight i brought them this time. (the saucepan brownies so far are the favorite)
so i believe i have solved the problem that i have. my winter pout. i am an idiot. problem solved.
all i have done is let this cold air take away my LOVE. the things that i love the most, the things that have been worth mentioning, i don't do them. so.... i have no love. how can i expect to be happy and to thrive in my existance without love??? well, i'll save myself the brain energy trying to figure it out. i can't. see, i know something. it may be a secret to some people, but it's not to me. the greatest thing that could ever be is love. it says so everywhere. in songs, in poems, in lectures, in sermons, in a parents promise, in a wedding kiss, in a baby's first breath.... but more than all of those locations, it says so in the bible. jesus said it. i know because it is in red in my book and all of the words jesus said are in red. it says it in black, too. in fact, the word love is in the bible so often, that one could conclude that the bible is the book of love, or that the person that commissioned that book is all about love. so i guess the saying is true then? "god is love" ... i am going to say yes. it's all true. so what in the world does making brownies and petting dogs and jesus have to do with each other and why am i so not myself in the winter??? everything. when humans love and when humans act on said love, they are only proving to the world that they are christ's disciples. (john 13:35) i guess i must specify when i refer to humans. when a human has christ in them, in their heart, that's the kind of love i refer to acting on. anybody can simply love, but when that body can love in a christ like manner, everything changes and it is magical. so my absence of love has been an absence of christ. he is my life blood, my bread, my fire, my drive. i have just allowed myself to seep away from him and in doing that, nothing has meaning or purpose. it just isn't even exciting to get up hardly. i just crawl around and find myself bumping into my routine of a life. keeping busy with tasks that are joyless and ridiculous. i try to stay above the current. i get out my bible every couple of days and do a little follow along devotion time in my current small group study. or even crack open my 90 day devotional that i have drug on to last a riotous 365 days to the letter and i am only still on day 42. oh yes, i am so holy and righteous. i'm just not in it to win it right now. and i wonder why i have an acute case of the S.A.D.s. duh.
so here is my solution.
i need light. jesus is light.
i need critical early morning light. we are suppossed to have our quiet time with jesus in the first part of our day.
the greatest of all is love. there are things i love to do that make me feel full of love.
so here is my equation for winter happiness. (me being the math genius and all)
morning devotion with jesus that is real and on purpose and sincere + include daily activities that make my love organ swell = happy
it's on like donkey kong.
if you live near me, expect brownies.
i've heard a couple different attempts at diagnosis for my winter pout. there is this thing called "seasonal affective disorder". it so appropriately carries itself on it's initials... S.A.D. funny. do you know that researchers believe that people that are SAD have a sensitivity to light and the absence of that said light plunges them into winter depression? and how about this, the light that is most critical for the SADs to get is the morning light. you know that kind. the kind that streams through your bedroom window in the morning in july that seems to sprinkle happy on your eyelids practically forcing them to pop open. apparently we have this internal clock, some scientist or doctor or person who went to school for a really long time to become very smart and gets to label our selves with wierd names, says that people have what's called a "circadian clock". that said gloriously beaming morning sun apparently resets our clock, allowing us to wake up happy, refreshed, and not SAD. so, in the winter time, when the sun likes to sleep in thus forcing the human race to have to pry themselves out of bed in the sleepy dark morning, our circus clocks or whatever are forgotten and not reset and we are doomed to live out the days in agony.
well that's stupid. i'm not sure who made up SAD, or who looked in my body cavities and saw my clock, or really, i dont even care who the wise old wizard is that makes us have to change the time around like wierdos. i am probably just not going to claim this said SAD for myself. heres why.
if i look above and see what i am NOT doing during the winter time, i can pretty much see why i am a pitiful, sad (the regular sad, not the seasonal sad), miserable, confused mess. where's the love? where did it go? i LOVE my barn. when we came to look at our house to consider purchase, it was locked, so we looked in the barn. we decided right then and there to buy the house, who cares what's behind that door, LOOK at this barn!!!!! i LOVE my horses. i love how they smell, i love how their noses feel like cold velvet and i love that they let me rub that velvet and they let me even press my cheek against them and they dont bite my face off. i love how even though they weigh like 1, 476 pounds, they look like delicate ballerinas as they prance around the field on their dainty hoofs. i love how they make me feel small while i cling to their necks and i love how free i feel when i am on their backs and racing down the road with the wind blowing my hair. i LOVE my dogs. well, most of them. i love how whenever i open the door, they run to me and compete for my hands to pat their heads. and backs, and bellys... i love how no matter where i go outside, they are right there beside me. i never feed the horses alone. i never take my evening jog alone (even when i try like a ninja to sneak away). i love how they stay right by my side when i am out in the berry bushes contracting chiggers but not caring because blackberry cobbler is stuff of heaven. and who couldn't love that they are so cool they can pluck blackberries right from the bush and i just concentrate on the ones up top, because they call dibs on the low ones. i LOVE that my yard is the collection pool for all the neighborhood kids. i love seeing 7 little people squealing with delight as they bounce into the clear blue sky as high as they can go on the trampoline. i love the creak of the swingset and seeing dirty little toes tip up over wildly flying hair. i love lounging on the porch swing with my man in the evenings after supper and being the lucky one to have a front row seat to the grandest dance performances in all of the lands. (after all, what better place for little girls to twirl and sing than that of a wide front porch) i LOVE those day long weekly trips to the public pool with my girlfriends even though sometimes heat exhaustion comes into play, or the super round man who is festooned with skeleton tattoos that you can barely make out for his thick carpet of body hair seems to always be in your line of vision, or the box of cheez-its gets dumped out on your towel, or some kid doesn't realize that "dropping your kids off at the pool" isn't a free invitation to actually poop in the pool. i LOVE making treats in the kitchen and delivering them to the neighbors. i have magnificent neighbors and not much makes me happier than to see their sheer delight when they peel back the plastic to unveil what kind of delight i brought them this time. (the saucepan brownies so far are the favorite)
so i believe i have solved the problem that i have. my winter pout. i am an idiot. problem solved.
all i have done is let this cold air take away my LOVE. the things that i love the most, the things that have been worth mentioning, i don't do them. so.... i have no love. how can i expect to be happy and to thrive in my existance without love??? well, i'll save myself the brain energy trying to figure it out. i can't. see, i know something. it may be a secret to some people, but it's not to me. the greatest thing that could ever be is love. it says so everywhere. in songs, in poems, in lectures, in sermons, in a parents promise, in a wedding kiss, in a baby's first breath.... but more than all of those locations, it says so in the bible. jesus said it. i know because it is in red in my book and all of the words jesus said are in red. it says it in black, too. in fact, the word love is in the bible so often, that one could conclude that the bible is the book of love, or that the person that commissioned that book is all about love. so i guess the saying is true then? "god is love" ... i am going to say yes. it's all true. so what in the world does making brownies and petting dogs and jesus have to do with each other and why am i so not myself in the winter??? everything. when humans love and when humans act on said love, they are only proving to the world that they are christ's disciples. (john 13:35) i guess i must specify when i refer to humans. when a human has christ in them, in their heart, that's the kind of love i refer to acting on. anybody can simply love, but when that body can love in a christ like manner, everything changes and it is magical. so my absence of love has been an absence of christ. he is my life blood, my bread, my fire, my drive. i have just allowed myself to seep away from him and in doing that, nothing has meaning or purpose. it just isn't even exciting to get up hardly. i just crawl around and find myself bumping into my routine of a life. keeping busy with tasks that are joyless and ridiculous. i try to stay above the current. i get out my bible every couple of days and do a little follow along devotion time in my current small group study. or even crack open my 90 day devotional that i have drug on to last a riotous 365 days to the letter and i am only still on day 42. oh yes, i am so holy and righteous. i'm just not in it to win it right now. and i wonder why i have an acute case of the S.A.D.s. duh.
so here is my solution.
i need light. jesus is light.
i need critical early morning light. we are suppossed to have our quiet time with jesus in the first part of our day.
the greatest of all is love. there are things i love to do that make me feel full of love.
so here is my equation for winter happiness. (me being the math genius and all)
morning devotion with jesus that is real and on purpose and sincere + include daily activities that make my love organ swell = happy
it's on like donkey kong.
if you live near me, expect brownies.
Monday, January 17, 2011
the newly born
so ive been blogging in my head for years now and after finally sitting down and surfing this web and being inspired by others, it seems only right to write it all down.
its all just based on my what's inside me and what it all means. what it means to me and to my family and to my community and to my world.
when im driving down the road and streaming thoughts rush through my mind and i dont know what it means but it makes perfect sense and im sure that it would sound great if i said it out loud.
when im watching my kids run through my messy house and am not sure if i want to join in the squealing childlike bliss, send them to their rooms, or just drive away.
when i see myself in the small waist high mirror in my bathroom and wonder how i got to look like this and if im too old for pink hair and a bikini.
when im at the grocery and my mouth waters for greek yogurt and foreign cheese and the big round crackers that appear to be gourmet and the exotic fruits and fancy olives and panko crumbs and raspberry vinaigrette in the actual glass bottles... but what ends up in the cart is boxes of store brand products like mac n cheese and tortillas and spaghetti sauce.
when that said cart is the engine to the crazy train of ridiculously loud and completely ridiculous and the caboose is the most unexplainable 4 year old in the history of the world.
when i cant even try to control the urge to pull over on the street side and take pictures of the clouds, because they have never been this gorgeous and for sure, will never be again.
when the day that im living makes me wonder why im here, how a soul can feel such anguish, and what a broken mess i am.
when the day that i am living makes me feel like i could fly through the sky and squeal with delight that this day was made for me and what a tiny humble human i really am to have the sheer intense blessing and joy to be given another morning to wake up and enjoy.
when all the people i love the most are in their beds and the house is quiet and i can shamelessly scour etsy and window shop to my hearts content with no distractions. or edit photos of beautiful people till i am so proud my smile could break my face. or veg on my super enveloping denim couch and watch silliness on tv that makes me forget what time it is.
or when i have interruptions like my young children in the kitchen making their own lunches and arguing the entire time over things that dont even make sense but loving it because time flys and soon they will all be gone, in their own lives in the their own houses, with their own stories and dreams.
when i know that my life is an effect of love.
when i know that my life is affected by love.
when the time is right to give birth to a blog.
its all just based on my what's inside me and what it all means. what it means to me and to my family and to my community and to my world.
when im driving down the road and streaming thoughts rush through my mind and i dont know what it means but it makes perfect sense and im sure that it would sound great if i said it out loud.
when im watching my kids run through my messy house and am not sure if i want to join in the squealing childlike bliss, send them to their rooms, or just drive away.
when i see myself in the small waist high mirror in my bathroom and wonder how i got to look like this and if im too old for pink hair and a bikini.
when im at the grocery and my mouth waters for greek yogurt and foreign cheese and the big round crackers that appear to be gourmet and the exotic fruits and fancy olives and panko crumbs and raspberry vinaigrette in the actual glass bottles... but what ends up in the cart is boxes of store brand products like mac n cheese and tortillas and spaghetti sauce.
when that said cart is the engine to the crazy train of ridiculously loud and completely ridiculous and the caboose is the most unexplainable 4 year old in the history of the world.
when i cant even try to control the urge to pull over on the street side and take pictures of the clouds, because they have never been this gorgeous and for sure, will never be again.
when the day that im living makes me wonder why im here, how a soul can feel such anguish, and what a broken mess i am.
when the day that i am living makes me feel like i could fly through the sky and squeal with delight that this day was made for me and what a tiny humble human i really am to have the sheer intense blessing and joy to be given another morning to wake up and enjoy.
when all the people i love the most are in their beds and the house is quiet and i can shamelessly scour etsy and window shop to my hearts content with no distractions. or edit photos of beautiful people till i am so proud my smile could break my face. or veg on my super enveloping denim couch and watch silliness on tv that makes me forget what time it is.
or when i have interruptions like my young children in the kitchen making their own lunches and arguing the entire time over things that dont even make sense but loving it because time flys and soon they will all be gone, in their own lives in the their own houses, with their own stories and dreams.
when i know that my life is an effect of love.
when i know that my life is affected by love.
when the time is right to give birth to a blog.
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