there is nothing that can surprise me anymore as far as how complex and connected the world is to itself. how fate works and how coincidences occur. and no one could ever make me believe that those "whoa..." moments aren't actually "god" moments. because there's no explanation other than a higher being at work controlling the universe. the reason i know this to be true is because i have been deeply involved in one of the hugest "whoaaaaaaa" stories in the history of being. and because i want you to believe me im going to tell it to you. i'll keep it as short as i can because i know you should probably be cleaning the bathroom or filling out a spreadsheet or cooking supper.
i am a dog lover. not a "aww, thats a cute dog pic you posted on social media" dog lover, but a "my dog is my favorite child" dog lover. like when i go to someones house, i want to pet their dog for 5 minutes before i say hi to the people, kinda dog lover. ive always had a dog. my whole life. but i wanted a little foofy lap dog. and my husband didnt. so we had this sort of tug-o-war between us for years.... until he eventually caved. and we rescued "doodle the wonder poodle" . it was instant love for all invloved (except the husband, he probably only let me get him so i would be quiet). doodle was part of the family and even grumpy husband loved him lots. i think everyone knows that i lost him. we went to my sisters wedding in florida february 5, 2012 and that is the last day i saw him. before we left i prayed protection over him. that he would be safe and content and no one would miss each other so much we couldnt function. (dont judge me, hes my favorite kid, remember?) it was that day that he was let out (just like usual) but he never came back home. i wont go into any further detail but if for some reason you want to read about my deepest anguish, heres that post. (fun times)
http://theffectoflove.blogspot.com/2013/02/doodle-wonder-poodle.html
i spent alot of time seeking god during this time and alot of time on facebook trying to find clues as to where he could be. trying to spread the word and his photo so that maybe someone would find him and bring him home...
i didnt find doodle, but i did find bridgette. this is the story of the biggest thing i ever did for jesus i guess. its pretty powerful, and im sure you know it, but just in case...
http://theffectoflove.blogspot.com/2013/02/something-big.html
yup. cool, huh. so fast forward to september 24, 2013. the day i gave my left kidney to bridgette. i didnt expect my story to end there, but it kinda did. i lost my dog, that search led me to "lose" an organ, in the midst of all that, i lost my church due to unfortunate circumstances where people (me included) got caught up in themselves and forgot about the real reason for the church. it was a really dark time for me. the fall and winter of 2013 was not my friend. i still missed my dog, i didnt miss my kidney, but i did miss the way my life was. the comfort of routine.
ok so here we are, october 2014. life as usual. kids in school, me trying to be a successful photographer (which is hard because im not a good business person) trying to keep the house clean (thats a big joke) and supper on the table (drive thru again people, we are too busy to be home to eat) and all the while, trying to be on fire for jesus. which, quite frankly, has been a little hard lately...
a dear friend was going through a tough time so i was spending alot of extra time praying for her and her situation. god answered prayers and blessed my friend, and in the midst of her blessings, he saw the need to bless me too.
i got a text wednesday night from a lady who had just delivered a rescue dog to a family. she said they had a dog already and she was certain it was my doodle. my heart skipped a beat but i didnt have any hopes up because i actually got lots of these kind of messages. my whole town has been on doodle watch since he has been gone. so the lady asked me a couple questions about him and then she sent me a pic of the dog she saw. a pic of my doodle. my heart lept from my chest, i dont think i breathed for a whole minute. it was him. it was doodle. after almost 2 whole years it was my doodle. and he looked goood. a little plumper than i remembered and sitting on somebodys bed. a million thoughts were racing through my mind and i was flooded with emotion. so i started to pray about it. pray that i did the right thing. pray that it all worked out. pray that, i dont know, i didnt know, so i prayed. the lady told me that doodle was in a great home with great people. she said they had just gotten him from a family member that wasnt able to care for him anymore. i felt great peace knowing he was safe. and alive, and happy. so i went to bed. in the morning after all the kids went off to school, i decided to facebook message the lady who had doodle. her name is "J". i just asked if she wouldnt mind telling me where she got him. J is the sweetest lady and was very willing to work with me. i asked if i could just come see him. she let me. she let me and the kids come to her house and see doodle. it was MAGNIFICENT. he remembered me. he liked me. he wanted me to hold him. i cried. alot. i cried two years worth of ache out. it felt amazing to look at that dog and exhale. in fact, we all cried. it was intense. as sure as i was that it was him, J wanted to make 100% sure it really was doodle. at this point it was just my word against her family members, who was not budging on her story... which was very different from mine. i was at peace with doodle being there with J. in fact, i wasnt even quite sure that i would take him from J. i knew the pain i felt when i lost him and i didnt wish it on a soul. i didnt want to hurt J and her family. i prayed about that too. i prayed that god would put doodle where he needed to be. so the kids and i left him there that day. i knew what a HUGE and powerful testimony that dog had been to so many through the whole kidney situation and i didnt want to ruin my witness, or taint the story god had wrote. so J and i decided that we would work together to find out doodles history and where he came from and be sure sure sure sure that he really was doodle, and not just a eerily similar random dog.
so for days i combed facebook. i asked people questions, i researched. i prayed. i cried. i wanted that dog in my arms so bad i couldnt hardly stand it, but i already loved J and i didnt want to hurt her or her precious family..... we looked into vet records, we chased rabbit trails all over the county. it wasnt until early saturday morning that i found the missing puzzle piece. a photo of the person J got doodle from. it was the photo that put everything together and made perfect sense of it all. i wont share who was in the photo or why it made sense, because honestly, i dont care how J got doodle. i dont care how the person that gave J doodle got him. the only thing that matters is that J believed me. and she wanted me to have dood back. so i went back to her house, and i got him. i got the dood. i got my baby. through a series of events that dont seem like much, doodle and my family were reunited. they werent circumstances, they werent "chance" they were each and every moment a piece of the puzzle that god was intricately forming.
the flood of emotions that has continued to course through me in this past week have been something i could never explain. the immensity of the situation is crippling. the awe i have for the complexity of gods plan is divine. i honestly feel like god revealed himself a little bit more to me through this. like he let me have a peek at his face. the comfort that i feel when i look at doodle is insurmountable. there IS a god who loves me. he gave me back my dog. please grasp this concept. every single human being is BORN a lost soul. its up to US to decide to be found. god intends for each of us to be with him in his family, but we have to want to. the level of celebration that is in my soul over the feeling of doodle not being lost anymore is insignificant compared to the elation that Christ has when one of us calls on his name and says, "rescue me. deliver me. save me. find me." we dont have to be lost.
i know that god gave doodle back for a reason. i know that He isnt done with me or my story. if nothing else, i have a new friend in J. if nothing else, my town sees an answered prayer of mine. if nothing else, i have been blessed. i am refreshed, renewed. life isnt perfect, but with this huge dose of "see, i havent forgotten you my child. i love you and i will prove it to you." from my heavenly father, i have a whole new sense of "bring it on!"
thank you to each of you that stood by me in prayer for doodle all this time. thank you to the people that walked with me through my sadness, through my surgery, through my recovery, through my wandering in the desert here lately. my gratitude to the ones who have celebrated with me this past week. i feel like my whole town loves doodle and i really do feel like we all got him back.
thank you god, for my answered prayer. i wont ever forget.
the stuff god wants me to say out loud. just for you.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
the different lent.
setting a trend and writing about things that society pressures me to do that causes me a bit of stress. im not writing to bash myself or attract waves of pity although it seems as if i am.... hmm. ha!
i will freely admit my faults and short comings if i think it could shed light to one single human, even if that human is just myself.
with that being said i will fall into the subject of lent. lent, i have been told, is for catholics, of which i am not. lent is old fashioned and this is a new era, says people. lent is when holy rollers flaunt their sacrifice like little "i love jesus more than you do" flag, lent is when i sneak in my "get ready for the bathing suit diet"... lent has been explained to me, countless times, by several different sources. i explain lent to my children. to me, lent is a time that we sacrifice something that we spend the most time or effort doing that ISNT godly and kindgom building. its a season that we give up something that is hard to live without so that when we would reach for that "thing" we feel a twinge of "ohhhhh man, darn it" and take a cleansing breath and realize, jesus died an unspeakably brutal and devastating death after living the most sacrificial life in the first place so that i can be a filthy sin ridden human and in the end receive the gift of eternal life in paradise that i will never deserve. (longest sentence in the history of sentences.) so really, lent is a big deal. and its not just for catholics. its for people that adore jesus christ and want to show him in a real way for themselves, that they are humbled and aware of the intensity of the ultimate sacrifice.
i will speak for myself only when i say that it is easy to cheapen lent. "everyone else is doing it so i have to" "i cant let beula out lent me" "ill give up something in public but find the lenten loophole so i can get breaks" "ill give up sugar because thats what i always give up" "ill just give up green beans, that will be easy"
part of the purpose of lent is to fill up the gap of what you gave up as well. sure, we can give up video games, but what do we do in that time that we would be playing minecraft? when i give up sugar the first week is death. i must drown myself in the bible and prayer because im going through withdrawl... sugar detox, and if i dont turn to jesus i will surely die. (sugar is more addictive than cocaine people) but after the complete hysteria is over for me and i become adjusted to the sugar free life, i dont need jesus as much anymore. i can handle it on my own, so, then its just a "thing", like just being a vegetarian or something. (which is a whole nother lent deal for sure) what kind of dumby am i?! geez. the fact that god even likes me is mind blowing, but that he WANTS me and forgives me and chooses to use me and all that is unfathomable.
so i take lent. i start out in the depths of despair going through hell living without my vice, leaning on jesus, getting all close to him and fulfilled and spiritually high, then i slowly revert back to the regular old (lame) me, just sugarless. so why even participate in lent...
wikipedia says its a solemn religious observance. that its the preparation of a believer through prayer and self denial (amongst other things like atonement and penance that i don't know what it means exactly) ok, so preparation for what? it starts 6 weeks before easter. its over on easter sunday. (aka the day i purge on sugar) so christian people (people who believe jesus came as a baby, lived, died on a cross for our sins then rose from the dead and went up to heaven and is now preparing paradise for us) follow jesus' example of sacrifice for 6 weeks then on the day that He rose from the dead (easter) we all stop sacrificing. well that makes perfect sense..... right? so the six weeks is preparation for the resurrection of Jesus. so we purge our lives of what we have made an idol (an idol is something we worship that isnt jesus. you give me a pan of brownies and i will show you some worship people, im just saying....) . we fill the hole of said idol with relationship with christ. so that this time of reverent sacrifice is us paralleling our way of living to the way that jesus lived. dude had no house. no coat to wear on chilly days, no backpack full of snacks. no transportation other than his own two legs. he lived day to day. on faith alone. he relied on his heavenly father to provide him with PEOPLE to care for him and feed him and give him shelter. he travelled. he wore his sandals out. he spread the beautiful news of the grace of god. he did this at a young age. please dont take anything i say hear as absolute truth because i really have no educated clue, but i think he moved out of his mommas house when he was about 26 years old and died when he was in his early 30's. if someone knows this fact for real please tell me right away. so he sacrificed for longer than 6 weeks. maybe for 6 years (debatable). so i did a little googling and here it is. the 6 weeks is actually broken down to mimic 40 days. (its actually longer than 40 days but theres rules like "sundays dont count because you arent supposed to do certain things on the sabbath yadda yadda -lenten loophole-)
before jesus began his ministry he went to the desert alone and fasted for 40 days. like, didnt eat. anything. for real. (please jesus dont make me do this) there is alot of smart people information that goes into all of the "six week" "40 day" "old testament" rules and such but i will just use my non smart person words to say that... jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days to PREPARE himself for the whole reason god sent him to earth in the first place. he fasted so that he could put his whole attention and focus on god and god alone. he didnt fast in his moms house. he didnt fast in his town. he didnt even fast in the neighboring town, or the forest. he fasted in a place where there is ZERO anything but the ground and the air. ok so no distractions. none. like, none. desert. do you know this? i am just now really wrapping my mind around it. every day is exactly the same. no different scenery or anything. no food source, no water source. just dry sand and hot air. (probably freezing cold at night) and he knew what his purpose on earth was. to die. i have to stop for a minute.
(i wish beth moore had a hotline)
ok, jesus was baptised. then he went immediatly to the desert to fast (for 40 days). then he embarked on his ministry of empowering followers to continue on with his testimony after his death. then he died, then on the third day he rose from the dead, met with his disciples really quick for one last meal together, then he went up to heaven right in front of his disciples faces. (this is all in the bible, read the book of Matthew)
so. if you knew what your lifes' whole purpose was. what would you do to prepare for it?
according to the book of matthew (28:16-20) our sole purpose in life is to go and make disciples. and since we are on the subject of the number one thing we should do, lets mention the number one command. its also in matthew. chapter 22 verse 34 through 40. we were made to love. true story. the first way we are to love is whole heartedly with all of our bodies and minds and strength, we are to love the Lord our God. and the second part of the love command is to love the people we share our world with. so that is our life purpose. to tell eveyone about jesus and to love their faces off while we do it. now, take 2 seconds (because thats plenty of time) to think of just one person that you in fact, do not love. at all. like, you would like to throat punch them. in public. twice. ok stop thinking about them. seriously, i know throat punching sounds glorious but stop. ha! ok, you were called to love that person. with every fiber of your being. could you go to their house right this second and pay their mortgage for them? cook them a steak dinner? wash their feet for them? sacrifice all you have to give them whatever they wanted? i doubt it. im pretty sure jesus knew his life purpose (to die for us) was going to be so hard that he wouldnt be able to do it. he grew up in a small town where his momma got pregnant before she was married. she told everyone it was by the holy spirit. i bet those people didnt believe her. they probably made fun of her. treated her like cheap lieing floozy. the kids jesus grew up around probably didnt like him. the bible says that jesus wasnt very pretty. (Isaiah 53:2) so im sure he didnt have a bunch of little giddy girls chasing after him. this being said, he had a pretty good idea of what the people he was going to die to save were like. yucky. like me, imaging throat punching someone. he had to prepare himself to save me. because im not worth being saved. he went to that desert to be so filled with god his father that when he went from town to town and was scoffed at, jeered at, rejected and denied, that he wouldnt throw up his hands and say "FORGET IT! ill die, but not for her. not that one. anyone else but her". and it took 40 whole days to purge those thoughts from his mind. 40 whole days to become equipped for his ministry. 40 whole days to prepare. (with no breaks on sundays)
i freely admit i have been in a desert. not of my own choice per say. i was called to leave my home, my family (figuratively speaking) my life.. i was called to follow god. so i did. i havent been taking advantage of my time in the desert. instead i have been standing in one spot with my head in the sand (insert token ostrich photo here) hiding from the inevitable. my calling. its a pretty predictable pattern in my life. nice. i think that this time though, this lent, its different. i think im finally mature enough to see it with seeing eyes, eyes like moses had (deuteronomy 34:7- God preserved moses' eyesight so that when the time came for him to look out over the promised land, he could see every part of it) i can see that lent isnt just a tradition. its a choice. its a choice to prepare myself for the ministry god has for my life. not only the lifelong command of making disciples, but the seasonal ministries that he has for me. so this 6th day of march in the year 2014, i publicly remove my pink head from the sand and i look upwards. to refuel my relationship with God my Father, and prepare myself to love the people i want to throat punch. ha! this season of lent will be one of as many less distractions as i can possibly muster. no instagram. no phone games. no things that suck the minutes out of my hours. a season of my bible in my hands and questions on my lips. a season of a student hungry for the words of the lord that will equip me for whats next. a season of time with my little family. a season to prepare my heart for the celebration of the life, death, and resurrection of my Lord and Savior. a season to allow god to prepare me for what HE wants for me. because even though lent is about US sacrificing, it was never supposed to be about us actually. always Him. so let lent begin, and don't forget the brownies...
i will freely admit my faults and short comings if i think it could shed light to one single human, even if that human is just myself.
with that being said i will fall into the subject of lent. lent, i have been told, is for catholics, of which i am not. lent is old fashioned and this is a new era, says people. lent is when holy rollers flaunt their sacrifice like little "i love jesus more than you do" flag, lent is when i sneak in my "get ready for the bathing suit diet"... lent has been explained to me, countless times, by several different sources. i explain lent to my children. to me, lent is a time that we sacrifice something that we spend the most time or effort doing that ISNT godly and kindgom building. its a season that we give up something that is hard to live without so that when we would reach for that "thing" we feel a twinge of "ohhhhh man, darn it" and take a cleansing breath and realize, jesus died an unspeakably brutal and devastating death after living the most sacrificial life in the first place so that i can be a filthy sin ridden human and in the end receive the gift of eternal life in paradise that i will never deserve. (longest sentence in the history of sentences.) so really, lent is a big deal. and its not just for catholics. its for people that adore jesus christ and want to show him in a real way for themselves, that they are humbled and aware of the intensity of the ultimate sacrifice.
i will speak for myself only when i say that it is easy to cheapen lent. "everyone else is doing it so i have to" "i cant let beula out lent me" "ill give up something in public but find the lenten loophole so i can get breaks" "ill give up sugar because thats what i always give up" "ill just give up green beans, that will be easy"
part of the purpose of lent is to fill up the gap of what you gave up as well. sure, we can give up video games, but what do we do in that time that we would be playing minecraft? when i give up sugar the first week is death. i must drown myself in the bible and prayer because im going through withdrawl... sugar detox, and if i dont turn to jesus i will surely die. (sugar is more addictive than cocaine people) but after the complete hysteria is over for me and i become adjusted to the sugar free life, i dont need jesus as much anymore. i can handle it on my own, so, then its just a "thing", like just being a vegetarian or something. (which is a whole nother lent deal for sure) what kind of dumby am i?! geez. the fact that god even likes me is mind blowing, but that he WANTS me and forgives me and chooses to use me and all that is unfathomable.
so i take lent. i start out in the depths of despair going through hell living without my vice, leaning on jesus, getting all close to him and fulfilled and spiritually high, then i slowly revert back to the regular old (lame) me, just sugarless. so why even participate in lent...
wikipedia says its a solemn religious observance. that its the preparation of a believer through prayer and self denial (amongst other things like atonement and penance that i don't know what it means exactly) ok, so preparation for what? it starts 6 weeks before easter. its over on easter sunday. (aka the day i purge on sugar) so christian people (people who believe jesus came as a baby, lived, died on a cross for our sins then rose from the dead and went up to heaven and is now preparing paradise for us) follow jesus' example of sacrifice for 6 weeks then on the day that He rose from the dead (easter) we all stop sacrificing. well that makes perfect sense..... right? so the six weeks is preparation for the resurrection of Jesus. so we purge our lives of what we have made an idol (an idol is something we worship that isnt jesus. you give me a pan of brownies and i will show you some worship people, im just saying....) . we fill the hole of said idol with relationship with christ. so that this time of reverent sacrifice is us paralleling our way of living to the way that jesus lived. dude had no house. no coat to wear on chilly days, no backpack full of snacks. no transportation other than his own two legs. he lived day to day. on faith alone. he relied on his heavenly father to provide him with PEOPLE to care for him and feed him and give him shelter. he travelled. he wore his sandals out. he spread the beautiful news of the grace of god. he did this at a young age. please dont take anything i say hear as absolute truth because i really have no educated clue, but i think he moved out of his mommas house when he was about 26 years old and died when he was in his early 30's. if someone knows this fact for real please tell me right away. so he sacrificed for longer than 6 weeks. maybe for 6 years (debatable). so i did a little googling and here it is. the 6 weeks is actually broken down to mimic 40 days. (its actually longer than 40 days but theres rules like "sundays dont count because you arent supposed to do certain things on the sabbath yadda yadda -lenten loophole-)
before jesus began his ministry he went to the desert alone and fasted for 40 days. like, didnt eat. anything. for real. (please jesus dont make me do this) there is alot of smart people information that goes into all of the "six week" "40 day" "old testament" rules and such but i will just use my non smart person words to say that... jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days to PREPARE himself for the whole reason god sent him to earth in the first place. he fasted so that he could put his whole attention and focus on god and god alone. he didnt fast in his moms house. he didnt fast in his town. he didnt even fast in the neighboring town, or the forest. he fasted in a place where there is ZERO anything but the ground and the air. ok so no distractions. none. like, none. desert. do you know this? i am just now really wrapping my mind around it. every day is exactly the same. no different scenery or anything. no food source, no water source. just dry sand and hot air. (probably freezing cold at night) and he knew what his purpose on earth was. to die. i have to stop for a minute.
(i wish beth moore had a hotline)
ok, jesus was baptised. then he went immediatly to the desert to fast (for 40 days). then he embarked on his ministry of empowering followers to continue on with his testimony after his death. then he died, then on the third day he rose from the dead, met with his disciples really quick for one last meal together, then he went up to heaven right in front of his disciples faces. (this is all in the bible, read the book of Matthew)
so. if you knew what your lifes' whole purpose was. what would you do to prepare for it?
according to the book of matthew (28:16-20) our sole purpose in life is to go and make disciples. and since we are on the subject of the number one thing we should do, lets mention the number one command. its also in matthew. chapter 22 verse 34 through 40. we were made to love. true story. the first way we are to love is whole heartedly with all of our bodies and minds and strength, we are to love the Lord our God. and the second part of the love command is to love the people we share our world with. so that is our life purpose. to tell eveyone about jesus and to love their faces off while we do it. now, take 2 seconds (because thats plenty of time) to think of just one person that you in fact, do not love. at all. like, you would like to throat punch them. in public. twice. ok stop thinking about them. seriously, i know throat punching sounds glorious but stop. ha! ok, you were called to love that person. with every fiber of your being. could you go to their house right this second and pay their mortgage for them? cook them a steak dinner? wash their feet for them? sacrifice all you have to give them whatever they wanted? i doubt it. im pretty sure jesus knew his life purpose (to die for us) was going to be so hard that he wouldnt be able to do it. he grew up in a small town where his momma got pregnant before she was married. she told everyone it was by the holy spirit. i bet those people didnt believe her. they probably made fun of her. treated her like cheap lieing floozy. the kids jesus grew up around probably didnt like him. the bible says that jesus wasnt very pretty. (Isaiah 53:2) so im sure he didnt have a bunch of little giddy girls chasing after him. this being said, he had a pretty good idea of what the people he was going to die to save were like. yucky. like me, imaging throat punching someone. he had to prepare himself to save me. because im not worth being saved. he went to that desert to be so filled with god his father that when he went from town to town and was scoffed at, jeered at, rejected and denied, that he wouldnt throw up his hands and say "FORGET IT! ill die, but not for her. not that one. anyone else but her". and it took 40 whole days to purge those thoughts from his mind. 40 whole days to become equipped for his ministry. 40 whole days to prepare. (with no breaks on sundays)
i freely admit i have been in a desert. not of my own choice per say. i was called to leave my home, my family (figuratively speaking) my life.. i was called to follow god. so i did. i havent been taking advantage of my time in the desert. instead i have been standing in one spot with my head in the sand (insert token ostrich photo here) hiding from the inevitable. my calling. its a pretty predictable pattern in my life. nice. i think that this time though, this lent, its different. i think im finally mature enough to see it with seeing eyes, eyes like moses had (deuteronomy 34:7- God preserved moses' eyesight so that when the time came for him to look out over the promised land, he could see every part of it) i can see that lent isnt just a tradition. its a choice. its a choice to prepare myself for the ministry god has for my life. not only the lifelong command of making disciples, but the seasonal ministries that he has for me. so this 6th day of march in the year 2014, i publicly remove my pink head from the sand and i look upwards. to refuel my relationship with God my Father, and prepare myself to love the people i want to throat punch. ha! this season of lent will be one of as many less distractions as i can possibly muster. no instagram. no phone games. no things that suck the minutes out of my hours. a season of my bible in my hands and questions on my lips. a season of a student hungry for the words of the lord that will equip me for whats next. a season of time with my little family. a season to prepare my heart for the celebration of the life, death, and resurrection of my Lord and Savior. a season to allow god to prepare me for what HE wants for me. because even though lent is about US sacrificing, it was never supposed to be about us actually. always Him. so let lent begin, and don't forget the brownies...
Thursday, January 2, 2014
a brave little donut eater
word of the year.
its put me in a downward spiral.
i suppose i was already spinning, i havent had the best last couple months in my whole life...
i feel like my heart hasnt been in being alive. which is dreadful because i really have nothing to complain about. i am a blessed human. its just a terrible circumstance has thrust me into a place of depression and its hard to rise above it.
seeing everyones pretty words of their years makes it worse. it seems everyone has everything together and they have had this divine appointment and were perfectly matched to a special word. so then wheres mine. i feel like somewhere people got in a line to receive enlightenment to their futures and no one told me about the line. and now the only thing left is the confetti on the floor...
so i guess even thought im too late to announce my anthem for the new year at the stroke of midnight on january one, i will still try to pick one.
im a list girl. so i will go that route.
i have a whole house next door to mine that is just for my creative outlet. my studio. for photography, for art classes, for fellowship, for friends, for parties... god gave it to me. he provides miraculously for me to keep it. but all it is is a giant storage unit. for three years it has been used to collect all the stuff that doesnt fit into my house. which is alot because apparently im a hoarder. i try to organize it but im not good at it. in fact im afraid of it. because it doesnt make sense to me, i just want to avoid it. maybe my word should be ORGANIZE. ive started working over there. sorting yarn, fabric, and ribbon by color. putting office stuff in the office and craft stuff in the workroom. i have a huge stack of "get this out of here" stuff. i admit just writing this down makes my have anxiety. i hate it. it makes me feel like a loser that i dont appreciate and use to potential what i have. i know people who would be able to take over the world with that space and i do nothing with it but run away from it. i dont want my word to be organize.
i am a photographer. some people love my work. i have a busy schedule with this and because of the above mentioned inability to organize i have made it harder for myself than it should be. i have everything i need to be a great picture taker but i lack knowledge of equipment and confidence. i see other photographers' work and then look at mine and i get so discouraged. im afraid to put myself out there because i dont want to let anyone down with poor work. what if i mess up their session and they waste their money on me because im not that good.. should my word be KNOWLEDGE? taking classes may help me. im nervous though.. .i've tried reading the camera manual and it makes my head swim. i dont understand it. so i avoid it. notice a theme?
im not a very good momma. i have 4 of the greatest kids alive. they are mine for a reason and i disregard the importance of this. i am so busy being unorganized that i dont have time for them. i see other moms doing amazing little things with their families building memories and moments and im just sitting in the recliner or in front of my photoshop program being stressed out and grouchy. i blame things like, no time, no money, nothing to do in this town... the days slip by and nothing changes. instead of getting better i just get worse. each morning is a new chance to improve and i refuse it. my oldest is moving out this summer. what will she tell her new life about her old life? what are her memories? i feel like i let her down and its too late. and surely i cant do better with the other 3 because thats not fair to her... should my word be FAMILY?
and dont get me started on being a wife. my poor husband. guarantee he never meant to sign up for this.
i have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. so many of them. i dont talk to them much anymore. leaving our church has put the biggest gap between us. people say they will be friends forever no matter what but its not true. its impossible to be friends with someone unless you have a common bond. there has to be something that makes you think of that person. if you dont think of them than how will you make the effort to be in their life. amazing how just seeing someone on sunday mornings is a common thread. when that one day is taken away, it takes away everything. i didnt intend for it to be that way. i guess the pain of leaving my church family caused me to build a wall, or rather, dig a hole. why cant i be a better friend? send cards, make phone calls, book lunch dates, listen, spend time.... INTENTIONAL would be a good word for me. it would cover alot, too, not just friendship. if i was intentional about everything i did i would be so awesome at life. but how can i be intentional about things that scare me to death. can my word me HIDE.
i know one thing to be true. hes my friend jesus. he is the one true constant. hes always there for me and always brings me through. he is the guiding light for me always. it is easy for me to say this, but practically impossible for me to embrace and live. i know who he is, i know he is there, i know he loves me. but i want to know him more. i am hungry to learn him. to learn him like i never have before. having a healthy strong relationship with christ is the key to a content life. contentment in happiness, in sorrow, contentment in pain and in rejoicing. its obvious i have terrible relationships with the humans in my life, and the one with my savior is just as fractured. i could apply all my word suggestions to my relationship with jesus. organize my studies and not just think reading a verse of the day on my phone counts as daily devotion time. making knowledge my main focus, being a student of the word each day. intentionally and completely allowing the word of the lord to be what sustains me. to be the fuel for my life. completely accepting that i am in gods family. that i am his chosen one. that i am his beloved child, a princess, daughter of the king. and when the weight of the world and my shortfalls come at me from all angles and crush me, i can hide in him. i can settle in his arms and allow him to take the sufferings i am enslaved by away. should my word of the year be JESUS? i dont think i could live up to it. and what if i say it would be and then dont follow through. i know i let him down anyway but to say it out loud and share it with the universe and then fall short in public.....
stupid word of the year. all it does is make me realize what a train wreck i am. maybe my word should just be DONUT. i know i can live up to that. i can rock the word donut like a champ. i wont let it down, i wont let myself down. maybe it will give me confidence and make me think im not a total failure.... ill probably just get fatter. and that will start a whole new downward spiral. dang it.
i have potential. i was created in christs' image. i am intended for greatness. i am a masterpiece. so what is my problem? what am i afraid of? what am i hiding from? why am i allowing myself to fall behind instead of bursting forward? why am i behaving like a loser instead of a winner? i feel afraid. of what i do not know. just afraid. should my word be BRAVE?
brave - ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear.
im afraid to be brave because i have seen the bottom of my various pits and its really scary and hard. i am afraid to be brave because i have been a part of other people's pits and i know that anything can happen to me. im afraid that if i give complete control of my life to god that the enemy will attack me where it hurts. what if by taking a stand for bravery i get attacked even harder?
by being brave in my art house it could open up and tons of people will want to come there. how will i handle that? by being brave in photography i might become successful and have no time for anything else. by being brave with my family i will have to be a good mom and oh my word that will be so much work. being a consistent parent? ugh. and a brave wife would mean i would have a whole list of things that i dont even want to imagine. being a brave student of christ would take away precious hours of time. am i willing to be that unselfish? a brave friend would mean developing deep relationships with people. i dont even know if i have time or energy for that. being brave means i cant hide. i have to face life and the danger and pain it promises. being a brave jesus lover? standing up for who he is and what he promises..... talk about being persecuted. who in the world is that brave? well, who except for phil robertson of course.
i want to be brave, but im not ready to face and endure pain or danger. and i have zero courage.
what i want:
the art house to be fully functional and organized to its greatest potential.
to make enough money to pay half the family bills and be able to have extra to help people who need it.
to be proud of the photographs i take
to not have to do any office work
my kids to have at least one good life memory a week
to not be addicted to sugar
to have muscles and no muffin top
to be the kind of friend that everyone wants
to be a devoted student of the bible
to have a relationship with jesus that surpasses everything else ive ever known
i want to be a really effective praying person
to eat delicious donuts at least once a week
i want to help women who suffer like i do
i want to live up to my potential
i want to not be stressed out with my schedule
to have time to crochet in the evenings
i want to do a couple things really well, not a lot of things decently
i want to be able to say no to things that i really like doing if it means i will be stressed out by my schedule
i want to be brave.
psalm 27:14 new king james
wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, i say, on the lord!
13 & 14 the message
Im sure now ill see Gods goodness in the exuberant earth. stay with God! take heart. dont quit. ill say it again; stay with God.
14 new living translation
wait patiently for the lord. be brave and courageous. yes, wait patiently for the lord.
14 new international version
wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the lord.
i think in order to be brave i have to rely on the lord. i think i have to wait on him. i dont really know what wait on the lord really actually means. but i am pretty sure that it would have something to do with me stepping back and not doing exactly what i want and letting god do what he intended. i think i may be waiting on him now and because im not being brave and courageous it is sucking. i dont know what being brave even looks like right now. i dont know how to take the first step. i will start by praying and admitting defeat in front of jesus. i will give him the reins and allow him to lead me. i will try to turn off the control button and get out of the drivers seat. i will get in the backseat. and eat a donut. and if its not too late to announce my word of the year, id like to. its BRAVE.
its put me in a downward spiral.
i suppose i was already spinning, i havent had the best last couple months in my whole life...
i feel like my heart hasnt been in being alive. which is dreadful because i really have nothing to complain about. i am a blessed human. its just a terrible circumstance has thrust me into a place of depression and its hard to rise above it.
seeing everyones pretty words of their years makes it worse. it seems everyone has everything together and they have had this divine appointment and were perfectly matched to a special word. so then wheres mine. i feel like somewhere people got in a line to receive enlightenment to their futures and no one told me about the line. and now the only thing left is the confetti on the floor...
so i guess even thought im too late to announce my anthem for the new year at the stroke of midnight on january one, i will still try to pick one.
im a list girl. so i will go that route.
i have a whole house next door to mine that is just for my creative outlet. my studio. for photography, for art classes, for fellowship, for friends, for parties... god gave it to me. he provides miraculously for me to keep it. but all it is is a giant storage unit. for three years it has been used to collect all the stuff that doesnt fit into my house. which is alot because apparently im a hoarder. i try to organize it but im not good at it. in fact im afraid of it. because it doesnt make sense to me, i just want to avoid it. maybe my word should be ORGANIZE. ive started working over there. sorting yarn, fabric, and ribbon by color. putting office stuff in the office and craft stuff in the workroom. i have a huge stack of "get this out of here" stuff. i admit just writing this down makes my have anxiety. i hate it. it makes me feel like a loser that i dont appreciate and use to potential what i have. i know people who would be able to take over the world with that space and i do nothing with it but run away from it. i dont want my word to be organize.
i am a photographer. some people love my work. i have a busy schedule with this and because of the above mentioned inability to organize i have made it harder for myself than it should be. i have everything i need to be a great picture taker but i lack knowledge of equipment and confidence. i see other photographers' work and then look at mine and i get so discouraged. im afraid to put myself out there because i dont want to let anyone down with poor work. what if i mess up their session and they waste their money on me because im not that good.. should my word be KNOWLEDGE? taking classes may help me. im nervous though.. .i've tried reading the camera manual and it makes my head swim. i dont understand it. so i avoid it. notice a theme?
im not a very good momma. i have 4 of the greatest kids alive. they are mine for a reason and i disregard the importance of this. i am so busy being unorganized that i dont have time for them. i see other moms doing amazing little things with their families building memories and moments and im just sitting in the recliner or in front of my photoshop program being stressed out and grouchy. i blame things like, no time, no money, nothing to do in this town... the days slip by and nothing changes. instead of getting better i just get worse. each morning is a new chance to improve and i refuse it. my oldest is moving out this summer. what will she tell her new life about her old life? what are her memories? i feel like i let her down and its too late. and surely i cant do better with the other 3 because thats not fair to her... should my word be FAMILY?
and dont get me started on being a wife. my poor husband. guarantee he never meant to sign up for this.
i have the greatest friends a girl could ask for. so many of them. i dont talk to them much anymore. leaving our church has put the biggest gap between us. people say they will be friends forever no matter what but its not true. its impossible to be friends with someone unless you have a common bond. there has to be something that makes you think of that person. if you dont think of them than how will you make the effort to be in their life. amazing how just seeing someone on sunday mornings is a common thread. when that one day is taken away, it takes away everything. i didnt intend for it to be that way. i guess the pain of leaving my church family caused me to build a wall, or rather, dig a hole. why cant i be a better friend? send cards, make phone calls, book lunch dates, listen, spend time.... INTENTIONAL would be a good word for me. it would cover alot, too, not just friendship. if i was intentional about everything i did i would be so awesome at life. but how can i be intentional about things that scare me to death. can my word me HIDE.
i know one thing to be true. hes my friend jesus. he is the one true constant. hes always there for me and always brings me through. he is the guiding light for me always. it is easy for me to say this, but practically impossible for me to embrace and live. i know who he is, i know he is there, i know he loves me. but i want to know him more. i am hungry to learn him. to learn him like i never have before. having a healthy strong relationship with christ is the key to a content life. contentment in happiness, in sorrow, contentment in pain and in rejoicing. its obvious i have terrible relationships with the humans in my life, and the one with my savior is just as fractured. i could apply all my word suggestions to my relationship with jesus. organize my studies and not just think reading a verse of the day on my phone counts as daily devotion time. making knowledge my main focus, being a student of the word each day. intentionally and completely allowing the word of the lord to be what sustains me. to be the fuel for my life. completely accepting that i am in gods family. that i am his chosen one. that i am his beloved child, a princess, daughter of the king. and when the weight of the world and my shortfalls come at me from all angles and crush me, i can hide in him. i can settle in his arms and allow him to take the sufferings i am enslaved by away. should my word of the year be JESUS? i dont think i could live up to it. and what if i say it would be and then dont follow through. i know i let him down anyway but to say it out loud and share it with the universe and then fall short in public.....
stupid word of the year. all it does is make me realize what a train wreck i am. maybe my word should just be DONUT. i know i can live up to that. i can rock the word donut like a champ. i wont let it down, i wont let myself down. maybe it will give me confidence and make me think im not a total failure.... ill probably just get fatter. and that will start a whole new downward spiral. dang it.
i have potential. i was created in christs' image. i am intended for greatness. i am a masterpiece. so what is my problem? what am i afraid of? what am i hiding from? why am i allowing myself to fall behind instead of bursting forward? why am i behaving like a loser instead of a winner? i feel afraid. of what i do not know. just afraid. should my word be BRAVE?
brave - ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.
endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear.
im afraid to be brave because i have seen the bottom of my various pits and its really scary and hard. i am afraid to be brave because i have been a part of other people's pits and i know that anything can happen to me. im afraid that if i give complete control of my life to god that the enemy will attack me where it hurts. what if by taking a stand for bravery i get attacked even harder?
by being brave in my art house it could open up and tons of people will want to come there. how will i handle that? by being brave in photography i might become successful and have no time for anything else. by being brave with my family i will have to be a good mom and oh my word that will be so much work. being a consistent parent? ugh. and a brave wife would mean i would have a whole list of things that i dont even want to imagine. being a brave student of christ would take away precious hours of time. am i willing to be that unselfish? a brave friend would mean developing deep relationships with people. i dont even know if i have time or energy for that. being brave means i cant hide. i have to face life and the danger and pain it promises. being a brave jesus lover? standing up for who he is and what he promises..... talk about being persecuted. who in the world is that brave? well, who except for phil robertson of course.
i want to be brave, but im not ready to face and endure pain or danger. and i have zero courage.
what i want:
the art house to be fully functional and organized to its greatest potential.
to make enough money to pay half the family bills and be able to have extra to help people who need it.
to be proud of the photographs i take
to not have to do any office work
my kids to have at least one good life memory a week
to not be addicted to sugar
to have muscles and no muffin top
to be the kind of friend that everyone wants
to be a devoted student of the bible
to have a relationship with jesus that surpasses everything else ive ever known
i want to be a really effective praying person
to eat delicious donuts at least once a week
i want to help women who suffer like i do
i want to live up to my potential
i want to not be stressed out with my schedule
to have time to crochet in the evenings
i want to do a couple things really well, not a lot of things decently
i want to be able to say no to things that i really like doing if it means i will be stressed out by my schedule
i want to be brave.
psalm 27:14 new king james
wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, i say, on the lord!
13 & 14 the message
Im sure now ill see Gods goodness in the exuberant earth. stay with God! take heart. dont quit. ill say it again; stay with God.
14 new living translation
wait patiently for the lord. be brave and courageous. yes, wait patiently for the lord.
14 new international version
wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the lord.
i think in order to be brave i have to rely on the lord. i think i have to wait on him. i dont really know what wait on the lord really actually means. but i am pretty sure that it would have something to do with me stepping back and not doing exactly what i want and letting god do what he intended. i think i may be waiting on him now and because im not being brave and courageous it is sucking. i dont know what being brave even looks like right now. i dont know how to take the first step. i will start by praying and admitting defeat in front of jesus. i will give him the reins and allow him to lead me. i will try to turn off the control button and get out of the drivers seat. i will get in the backseat. and eat a donut. and if its not too late to announce my word of the year, id like to. its BRAVE.
Wait
for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for
the LORD. - See more at:
http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf
Wait
for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for
the LORD. - See more at:
http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf
Wait
for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for
the LORD. - See more at:
http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)