something big

ok lets face it. facebook is lame. ive had it, been addicted to it, quit it, unfriended, friended, picked it back up, loved it, hated it, loved it, hated it.... and that was all just in ONE day.... ive used it as a helpful tool, and shamefully, as a weapon. ive urged people to join it and forbidden my children to even THINK about creating an account.  ive uploaded a zillion pics i want everyone to see, and have dreaded photos that others have posted that i wish were never taken.

i had finally had enough and decided that the only way to leave behind such negativity was to just walk away from a pretty big source. it was only after a series of events that i finally made up my mind, wrote out some sort of bold anthem that i hoped would inspire someone, posted it as my status, and quit.  i even deleted the facebook app. the horrors! there was nothing worthy of me peeking on facebook again. i felt liberated. it was awesome!  now lets talk about my instagram obsession....  instagram is social media, but its different. there is ZERO negativity, zero miscommunication, zero back stabbing and gossip.  in my experience, its a community of mothers that god has put in my life to get me through days i didnt even need i needed help getting through. it has amazed me the connections i have made in mommas across the globe and how they have played parts in situations in my life.  i could go on for paragraphs and give exact names and stories and many "aha" moments i have had. but i will spare that at the sake of getting off track.  except for one. her name is farmgirlpaints  i mean becky :) let me tell you this woman is a woman of god. the wife and mother she is, the crafter and christ follower she is, i am breathless to know she is MY friend. she inspires me deeply on many levels. this past saturday she posted a lovely "selfie" with a verse. it wasnt the first time. she often posts verses.  this one meant so much to me considering all that i have been going through with the loss of doodle. (see "doodle the wonder poodle" post)  i read it many times over then jotted it down on the notepad beside my keyboard.  Proverbs 16:9  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"  perfect for me in this chapter of my life.  i decided it was going to be my new anthem and that i would somehow make it into a sign to hang up in my house as a reminder.

im going to talk about doodle just for a minute.  losing doodle thrust me back onto facebook. i figured that was the most effective way to search for him.  just glancing over the news feed and not traveling to friends pages, ive been focused on any news for a poodle named doodle.  ive added a million new friends out of furthering awareness of doodle, people i have never met and will never know.  last night there was a random post from a "friend" i dont know right at the top of the feed.  some kid holding up a poster and it said "i wear green"  well, green is my favorite color, so i read it. 

rabbit trail.... i ran into a woman that was a dear friend to my mom over 20 years ago when our familys  both lived in ohio. somehow i end up living in mt sterling and somehow this woman ends up living here too. bizarre. anyway, i ran into this lady, wendy.. she was telling me that she had just gotten a kidney transplant and that it was the best thing that has happened to her and how well she was doing.  it really blessed me to hear that and i kept telling her so. i also shared with her that i have always known i was going to donate a kidney.  ever since i can remember ive known this.  we spoke for about 10 minutes and parted ways. hadnt seen or talked to this woman in a million years remember.  ok, back to story.

the boy holding a sign about wearing green. its for his sister, bridgette. she needs a kidney.  hmm, i was intrigued because, one, i have an extra kidney, and two, i like green, and three, because i instantly recognized all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.  doodle gone equals renewed facebook time, new stranger friends, chance encounters with people from my childhood... who just got a kidney.....  so with heart pounding i glance over this page,
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beautiful-Bridgette/406154742810658
and see that, she is in ohio (where i am from, where we lived while i knew wendy), she has a daughter, a concerned momma and family, and, we share a blood type. oh my gosh.  instantly my body was over taken by pins and needles and i began praying like a maniac.  with sweaty palms i sent a message.  i prayed through out the night and during the morning routine.  let me share quickly what ive come to understand over the past couple days.

we can give ourself to god, and want and pray for something big to happen to us, but if we dont surrender what WE want for ourselves then it can never develop into anything truly "god big".  only when we align ourselves with the will of christ will we ever be able to reach our potential.  i learned that i may have a heart plan to go a certain direction and surely since god is the owner of my heart, my direction is my god ordained destiny, but that only He who made me can direct my steps.  i prayed specifically on sunday that god would reveal to me what my something big would be.  something that i could do as me, to make Me something big. i wasnt really expecting any sort of billboard announcement from him, ive heard about people hearing direct words from god and concrete directions but i dont know if i ever really had, so i was just saying, hook me up jesus dude, but figuring it to not be a big deal.  i mean, i know me pretty well, and im kinda a hot mess, i couldnt really handle a huge responsibility like becoming a preacher or a upstanding citizen or anything.  im just a rainbow tornado blowing through life, nothing fancy.  yeah, so jesus sure does have a sense of humor? or a grand plan to involve all those willing that is so intricate and delicate and involved that we as humans could never explain, understand, or make up.

so i get the kids off to school and decide to check my facebook to see if i have a reply from the green wearing kidney people.. i did. i got a quick rundown of bridgettes disease and all the struggles she has faced.
i didnt want to give false hope to this family, i know its painful sting, so i just responded with the fact that i and my husband were praying about this today and asked if she would join us. not knowing if she even knew who jesus was or what prayer meant, i didnt care.  i was just putting it out there for her. ok sit down because im about to drive you all into a billboard.

she responded with one simple thing.  a bible verse.. guess which one?

Proverbs 16:9  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

holy  swiss cheese batman.  thats whats up.

you align yourself, you seek the lord, you pray out of humble desperation, you make yourself available no matter what the cost, he WILL use you. you ARE worth it to him. he knew about you and your bad hair days and dirty little secrets, your heart strings and stengths, he knew about the freckle under your armpit and your deformed pinky toe when he was hanging out in the garden with adam and eve. and he knew EXACTLY what he wanted you to do for him. i am telling you this with confidence out of my own real experiences. i am shoving this down your throat with every ounce of love i have in my body.  you have to know this and understand this. if god has stood by MY side through the entire first crappy 36 chapters of my feeble life oh so patiently, then hear this. he is standing beside you as well.  he tells us and tells us and whispers and screams and taps us and pushes us and even pulls the rug out from under us. its only when we take our own selfish fingers out of our ears that we can hear him and live out the rich and plentiful blessings that he has in store for us. 

you know what you want. give the map of your heart to christ, let go of it, dont even keep a pinch onto the corner of it. let go. give it up.  if you gave your heart to jesus that map doesnt belong to you anyway. set it down, walk away, and follow in the footsteps that god puts in front of you.  close your eyes if you have to. but just do it.  its liberating. its freeing, its life changing. its something BIG.

jesus my poppa. the one who knit me together in my mothers womb. the one who gave life to friends that you know i need.  my creator and lover, my guide through my course. i lay at your feet in blissful peace.  a peace brought on by pain. a peace i had to learn.  i am so blessed by you today god. i am so in love with you today god.  i thank you for answered prayers. i thank you for choosing me, i thank you for your patience, i thank you for loving me enough to use me. i pray for an extra army to protect me as i know the enemy will surely attack me. you are all powerful and in that power i pray your name and guidance in my life.  i pray for my something big to just get bigger every day. i pray i will never be satisfied with where i am and that i will always hunger for more of what you have for me. loving you to the moon and back, amen.

doodle the wonder poodle

ive been through alot of struggles in my life. pretty much could say "been there, done that" in any situation.  some experiences i handled with more grace than others, but honestly i can admit that to this day not one was handled properly.  by properly i mean that i dont think i learned exactly what i needed to learn.  our entire lives we are a student. some have different teachers than others. i enrolled in the school of christ as a kid, and although ive snuck out countless times, im still on the roster.  how many times have i stood in the corner, had to write 100 times on the chalkboard a promise for better choices.... i honestly dont know. seriously, until this season in my life i can say i never had my eyes open wide enough to even know i was facing retribution.  the "theology" definition for retribution is "punishment or reward distributed in a future life based on performance in this one."  ive never believed god to "punish" anyone for any reason. but it is now that i finally understand what all this "obey, learn, mold, teach, pattern for living, control, warfare, blah blah blah,..." christianity mumbo jumbo is.  all the comparisons in the bible that are nice and pretty, that people make songs out of and posters and base sermons on. "he is the potter, we are the clay." "he is the precious metal refiner, we are raw silver" "he is the shepherd, we are the lost sheep"  lovely sayings, they make nice cards.  and to think that my whole life could have gone by and i never would have understood, i never would have truly known my teacher.
im an animal person. always have been. ive always had dogs, cats, and almost always lived on a farm and had horses and other various barnyard critters.  ive seen some come and go. cried over some, and some, not so much. ive never been a foofy foof animal person though. give me a big ole mutt to lay in the yard and mean fat tom cat to scratch my ankles and eat mice.  well, until recently. we aquired, in the most fate filled string of events, a tiny little lap dog. the most typical of all foofy foof, a poodle. i didnt even want him. my husband said before we even saw him "no" in his serious daddy voice. you should have seen the dog. he was a mess. he was on his second foster home from a rescue and you could tell. poor thing.  but how can you stand in the way of destiny when it took a treacherous tornado, 50 art students, a freezing cold rainy day, hours of windy country roads, and unexplained vomit, which led us straight to the house where the hot mess of a foof was waiting for us.

                              
some how i changed my mind. some how daddy said yes.  somehow we ended up with this fluffy boy in our truck. that day our family changed. that was the day the kids prayers were answered. they had been praying for a baby brother. i had been counter praying that because i know how powerful a childs prayers can be.  i believe god answered us all that cold rainy day in the hills of eastern kentucky.



i then suddenly was caught up in the world of dog sweaters and fancy gourmet dog food.  i became a person who doesnt drive down the road without their lap dog. i was a baby step away from that weird lady pushing a stroller around with a dog in it.  and i was fine with it.

life continued as normal, for almost a whole year. to me it was daily grind. same stuff, different day. in and out, up and down... what i didnt realize was that i was in my jesus class room all along. i think i had fallen asleep in class.  it wasnt the routine i thought it was. god was studiously working on a masterpiece, me, all along. his artisan hands stroking paint on a canvas, gently, yet purposeful.  funny, that god guy. he's always up to something.  he knows how it all ends up and he knows who he needs to make it happen. the cool thing about art is there are no mistakes.  you can have an end result in mind, and maybe some paint drips or mixes together to make an ugly shade, but you can just paint over it, or go a different direction with your ideas.  so he stands there with his brush in hand, a palette of the most beautiful colors of paint, and the canvas in front of him that looks just like me.  he is painting and working and concentrating and somehow i am completely unaware....  i think it is because his strokes were too gentle.  and he knew that. but he didnt want to hurt me unless i was ready. unless he knew i wanted to take the next step.  who knew it would take roughly 28 years for me to open the door for him.

something else about god. he has his full undivided attention on me, but he is just that same way for all of my bothers and sisters as well. not only is he painstakingly painting me, he is doing the same for all of his other children, all of us.  and more than we realize, our paints overlap. and THAT is when it gets beautiful.  but just like an amazing pair of steve madden high heels, sometimes beauty hurts. but when you slip those rockin' heels on, you are asking for it.  do you keep them on and strut about or do you decide its not worth it and grab your ballet flats instead.... its a choice. a decision we make.  and sometimes the decisions are based on emotion. and i have come to learn that the most effective emotion in decision making is anguish and pain.  i think it is because these emotions make us the most vulnerable, the most raw, these feelings are what fillet us and expose who we really are. how we react in this emotion is our test.

my church has gone through this emotional time. this time of anguish. through series of events that no one really even knows, god has been painting like a mad man.... so many canvases in front of him, so much paint.  hes been bringing people together, and pulling them apart. for reasons only he knows.  i made the decision to stick it out. to trust in him no matter what. even though i had my own ideas and thoughts, i had my own opinions and i even had my own paintbrush. in late january i responded to an alter call and i, for the first time, honestly allowed god to use me. i was warned ahead of time that it would be a painful decision, but i accepted the challenge, i laid down my life to be a leader. i felt like it was real. i felt gods touch, i knew he accepted my submission.  i just had no idea how quickly he would begin to train me.  it was sudden.
the first lesson was me disobeying philippians 2:14 "do everything without complaining or arguing..." god gave me a couple little chances to follow his instruction and i blindly walked right into my own nets. i was caught complaining about doing something, and it cut me like a double edged sword right in the gut. i hurt someone but honestly, it hurt me worse.  i can hardly even type this without becoming physically ill.  i shared the situation with others and they have assured me it wasnt a big deal, but for some reason, it changed my life.  i havent completely stopped complaining, but i will tell you that every time i have a chance to grumble, i have a lead weight of conviction on me and i believe that this is gods paintbrush, over my mouth, leading me to be able to fulfill the second half of the phillipians verse, ..."so that you may become blameless and pure, children of god."  its amazing how many times i am tempted to slander someone, to spread bitterness and contempt. amazing.  and i never would have even seen that if it wasnt for me getting caught. and it was only through the power of god that i was caught.  looking back, god put his hands over my eyes so that i would purposefully get caught in my own impurity.  powerful lesson. seriously.  i considered this to be an answer to prayer, the one i prayed at the alter. the one about wanting to be molded and used by god even if it hurt. because it hurt. and still does.  but, god has more. always has more. we just have to be willing to TAKE the more.  i was. i was thankful and humbled by this lesson and submitted even deeper to christ.  he took my hand and he pulled me so hard towards him.  harder than i would admit to have liked.  he took my foofy foof dog from me.
i pause in my complete vulnerability right now.  i pause because i am now in the place of emotion that defines me and i am choosing to be aligned with god and who HE wants me to be, not by how my sadness wants me to react.
by another series of events that are nothing short of destiny, doodle is gone. completely 100 % vanished into thin air. my spirit is heavy, faultering, wounded.  my soul fills ripped.  at the risk of offending anyone who has lost a child i will not compare this grief to theirs.  at the risk of discrediting my witness i will not go on a "crazy lady who pushes a dog in a sweater around in a stroller" tangent.   but i will say this. that dog had permeated his way into my familys hearts and he was one of us. he was and always will be part of our family, our baby brother.  with him being gone, it has damaged us. we grieve his loss with real emotion. emotion that i have never felt before.  i am taking the hardest, and i know the reason why.  i know that doodle, a foofy foof little grey hot mess of a dog, was one of the colors god painted on my canvas.  i know that he was intentionally put in my life so that i could go through what i am going through now to become the person that god meant for me to be all along.  i cant tell you the outcome of this chapter in my life. i cant even tell you what tomorrow looks like. but i can tell you that today, god is holding me tight, like his baby, and he set his paintbrush down for just a second so he could rock me and sing to me and kiss my forehead and tell me that im going to be ok.  im important enough to him for him to use me and i am not going to let this experience go by, this emotion to go by, without learning from it.
emotions are like dictators.  they run our lives and completely force us into a certain style of behavior.  im convinced that this is what makes humans so unpredictable, so bizarre, so multifaceted.  i know a lot of people,  some i know better than others, some i respect more than others, some inspire me, some intrigue me... theres no real pattern for the people that i hold higher than others. its just something about certain people that i am attracted to.  i have decided it is because those people on my pedestals have experienced real emotion and they have allowed those feelings to form them into real people. i am so thankful that i am finally able to recognize real emotions and that i am mature enough in my faith to see when god is using these emotions to mold me.  god knows who we are. he knows what gets us, he knows our weak spots, our strong spots. he can use what is most important to us to teach us what he needs us to know. my entire life i have been an animal lover. my earliest memories are of me spending the night on the concrete slab of a back porch with stray dogs at the family farm.  most of my best memories have an animal in them.  so of course god would get me where it counts. of course he would use a dog to teach me how to be a better human.  and i cant think of a better dog to use than my doodle.  thank you god for blessing my family with doodle. thank you for the 11 months that we were able to spend with him.  thank you for all the photos we have with him, for all the memories and stories that we will never lose.  thank you for loving me enough to use me.  thank you for your answered prayers and for spiritual growth. thank you for the venues to share what i learn with others so that ultimately, your name is praised, and you receive all the glory.  thank you for my heart for animals, i know you dont give it to everyone.  i praise you even as i suffer, because i know you are in control.  i continue to offer myself up to you as a living sacrifice and i dont back down from my desire to be a leader for your kingdom.  i love you god, more than doodle. and thats alot.  amen