something big

ok lets face it. facebook is lame. ive had it, been addicted to it, quit it, unfriended, friended, picked it back up, loved it, hated it, loved it, hated it.... and that was all just in ONE day.... ive used it as a helpful tool, and shamefully, as a weapon. ive urged people to join it and forbidden my children to even THINK about creating an account.  ive uploaded a zillion pics i want everyone to see, and have dreaded photos that others have posted that i wish were never taken.

i had finally had enough and decided that the only way to leave behind such negativity was to just walk away from a pretty big source. it was only after a series of events that i finally made up my mind, wrote out some sort of bold anthem that i hoped would inspire someone, posted it as my status, and quit.  i even deleted the facebook app. the horrors! there was nothing worthy of me peeking on facebook again. i felt liberated. it was awesome!  now lets talk about my instagram obsession....  instagram is social media, but its different. there is ZERO negativity, zero miscommunication, zero back stabbing and gossip.  in my experience, its a community of mothers that god has put in my life to get me through days i didnt even need i needed help getting through. it has amazed me the connections i have made in mommas across the globe and how they have played parts in situations in my life.  i could go on for paragraphs and give exact names and stories and many "aha" moments i have had. but i will spare that at the sake of getting off track.  except for one. her name is farmgirlpaints  i mean becky :) let me tell you this woman is a woman of god. the wife and mother she is, the crafter and christ follower she is, i am breathless to know she is MY friend. she inspires me deeply on many levels. this past saturday she posted a lovely "selfie" with a verse. it wasnt the first time. she often posts verses.  this one meant so much to me considering all that i have been going through with the loss of doodle. (see "doodle the wonder poodle" post)  i read it many times over then jotted it down on the notepad beside my keyboard.  Proverbs 16:9  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"  perfect for me in this chapter of my life.  i decided it was going to be my new anthem and that i would somehow make it into a sign to hang up in my house as a reminder.

im going to talk about doodle just for a minute.  losing doodle thrust me back onto facebook. i figured that was the most effective way to search for him.  just glancing over the news feed and not traveling to friends pages, ive been focused on any news for a poodle named doodle.  ive added a million new friends out of furthering awareness of doodle, people i have never met and will never know.  last night there was a random post from a "friend" i dont know right at the top of the feed.  some kid holding up a poster and it said "i wear green"  well, green is my favorite color, so i read it. 

rabbit trail.... i ran into a woman that was a dear friend to my mom over 20 years ago when our familys  both lived in ohio. somehow i end up living in mt sterling and somehow this woman ends up living here too. bizarre. anyway, i ran into this lady, wendy.. she was telling me that she had just gotten a kidney transplant and that it was the best thing that has happened to her and how well she was doing.  it really blessed me to hear that and i kept telling her so. i also shared with her that i have always known i was going to donate a kidney.  ever since i can remember ive known this.  we spoke for about 10 minutes and parted ways. hadnt seen or talked to this woman in a million years remember.  ok, back to story.

the boy holding a sign about wearing green. its for his sister, bridgette. she needs a kidney.  hmm, i was intrigued because, one, i have an extra kidney, and two, i like green, and three, because i instantly recognized all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.  doodle gone equals renewed facebook time, new stranger friends, chance encounters with people from my childhood... who just got a kidney.....  so with heart pounding i glance over this page,
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beautiful-Bridgette/406154742810658
and see that, she is in ohio (where i am from, where we lived while i knew wendy), she has a daughter, a concerned momma and family, and, we share a blood type. oh my gosh.  instantly my body was over taken by pins and needles and i began praying like a maniac.  with sweaty palms i sent a message.  i prayed through out the night and during the morning routine.  let me share quickly what ive come to understand over the past couple days.

we can give ourself to god, and want and pray for something big to happen to us, but if we dont surrender what WE want for ourselves then it can never develop into anything truly "god big".  only when we align ourselves with the will of christ will we ever be able to reach our potential.  i learned that i may have a heart plan to go a certain direction and surely since god is the owner of my heart, my direction is my god ordained destiny, but that only He who made me can direct my steps.  i prayed specifically on sunday that god would reveal to me what my something big would be.  something that i could do as me, to make Me something big. i wasnt really expecting any sort of billboard announcement from him, ive heard about people hearing direct words from god and concrete directions but i dont know if i ever really had, so i was just saying, hook me up jesus dude, but figuring it to not be a big deal.  i mean, i know me pretty well, and im kinda a hot mess, i couldnt really handle a huge responsibility like becoming a preacher or a upstanding citizen or anything.  im just a rainbow tornado blowing through life, nothing fancy.  yeah, so jesus sure does have a sense of humor? or a grand plan to involve all those willing that is so intricate and delicate and involved that we as humans could never explain, understand, or make up.

so i get the kids off to school and decide to check my facebook to see if i have a reply from the green wearing kidney people.. i did. i got a quick rundown of bridgettes disease and all the struggles she has faced.
i didnt want to give false hope to this family, i know its painful sting, so i just responded with the fact that i and my husband were praying about this today and asked if she would join us. not knowing if she even knew who jesus was or what prayer meant, i didnt care.  i was just putting it out there for her. ok sit down because im about to drive you all into a billboard.

she responded with one simple thing.  a bible verse.. guess which one?

Proverbs 16:9  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

holy  swiss cheese batman.  thats whats up.

you align yourself, you seek the lord, you pray out of humble desperation, you make yourself available no matter what the cost, he WILL use you. you ARE worth it to him. he knew about you and your bad hair days and dirty little secrets, your heart strings and stengths, he knew about the freckle under your armpit and your deformed pinky toe when he was hanging out in the garden with adam and eve. and he knew EXACTLY what he wanted you to do for him. i am telling you this with confidence out of my own real experiences. i am shoving this down your throat with every ounce of love i have in my body.  you have to know this and understand this. if god has stood by MY side through the entire first crappy 36 chapters of my feeble life oh so patiently, then hear this. he is standing beside you as well.  he tells us and tells us and whispers and screams and taps us and pushes us and even pulls the rug out from under us. its only when we take our own selfish fingers out of our ears that we can hear him and live out the rich and plentiful blessings that he has in store for us. 

you know what you want. give the map of your heart to christ, let go of it, dont even keep a pinch onto the corner of it. let go. give it up.  if you gave your heart to jesus that map doesnt belong to you anyway. set it down, walk away, and follow in the footsteps that god puts in front of you.  close your eyes if you have to. but just do it.  its liberating. its freeing, its life changing. its something BIG.

jesus my poppa. the one who knit me together in my mothers womb. the one who gave life to friends that you know i need.  my creator and lover, my guide through my course. i lay at your feet in blissful peace.  a peace brought on by pain. a peace i had to learn.  i am so blessed by you today god. i am so in love with you today god.  i thank you for answered prayers. i thank you for choosing me, i thank you for your patience, i thank you for loving me enough to use me. i pray for an extra army to protect me as i know the enemy will surely attack me. you are all powerful and in that power i pray your name and guidance in my life.  i pray for my something big to just get bigger every day. i pray i will never be satisfied with where i am and that i will always hunger for more of what you have for me. loving you to the moon and back, amen.