a brave little donut eater

word of the year.
its put me in a downward spiral.
i suppose i was already spinning, i havent had the best last couple months in my whole life...
i feel like my heart hasnt been in being alive.  which is dreadful because i really have nothing to complain about.  i am a blessed human.  its just a terrible circumstance has thrust me into a place of depression and its hard to rise above it. 
seeing everyones pretty words of their years makes it worse.  it seems everyone has everything together and they have had this divine appointment and were perfectly matched to a special word.  so then wheres mine. i feel like somewhere people got in a line to receive enlightenment to their futures and no one told me about the line.  and now the only thing left is the confetti on the floor...
so i guess even thought im too late to announce my anthem for the new year at the stroke of midnight on january one, i will still try to pick one.
im a list girl. so i will go that route.
i have a whole house next door to mine that is just for my creative outlet.  my studio.  for photography, for art classes, for fellowship, for friends, for parties... god gave it to me.  he provides miraculously for me to keep it.  but all it is is a giant storage unit.  for three years it has been used to collect all the stuff that doesnt fit into my house.  which is alot because apparently im a hoarder.  i try to organize it but im not good at it. in fact im afraid of it. because it doesnt make sense to me, i just want to avoid it.  maybe my word should be ORGANIZE.  ive started working over there.  sorting yarn, fabric, and ribbon by color.  putting office stuff in the office and craft stuff in the workroom. i have a huge stack of "get this out of here" stuff. i admit just writing this down makes my have anxiety.  i hate it.  it makes me feel like a loser that i dont appreciate and use to potential what i have.  i know people who would be able to take over the world with that space and i do nothing with it but run away from it.  i dont want my word to be organize.
i am a photographer.  some people love my work.  i have a busy schedule with this and because of the above mentioned inability to organize i have made it harder for myself than it should be.  i have everything i need to be a great picture taker but i lack knowledge of equipment and confidence.  i see other photographers' work and then look at mine and i get so discouraged.  im afraid to put myself out there because i dont want to let anyone down with poor work.  what if i mess up their session and they waste their money on me because im not that good.. should my word be KNOWLEDGE? taking classes may help me.  im nervous though.. .i've tried reading the camera manual and it makes my head swim. i dont understand it.  so i avoid it.  notice a theme?
im not a very good momma.  i have 4 of the greatest kids alive.  they are mine for a reason and i disregard the importance of this.  i am so busy being unorganized that i dont have time for them.  i see other moms doing amazing little things with their families building memories and moments and im just sitting in the recliner or in front of my photoshop program being stressed out and grouchy.  i blame things like, no time, no money, nothing to do in this town... the days slip by and nothing changes.  instead of getting better i just get worse.  each morning is a new chance to improve and i refuse it.  my oldest is moving out this summer. what will she tell her new life about her old life? what are her memories? i feel like i let her down and its too late. and surely i cant do better with the other 3 because thats not fair to her... should my word be FAMILY?
and dont get me started on being a wife. my poor husband. guarantee he never meant to sign up for this.
i have the greatest friends a girl could ask for.  so many of them.  i dont talk to them much anymore.  leaving our church has put the biggest gap between us.  people say they will be friends forever no matter what but its not true.  its impossible to be friends with someone unless you have a common bond.  there has to be something that makes you think of that person. if you dont think of them than how will you make the effort to be in their life.  amazing how just seeing someone on sunday mornings is a common thread.  when that one day is taken away, it takes away everything.  i didnt intend for it to be that way.  i guess the pain of leaving my church family caused me to build a wall, or rather, dig a hole.  why cant i be a better friend? send cards, make phone calls, book lunch dates, listen, spend time.... INTENTIONAL would be a good word for me.  it would cover alot, too, not just friendship.  if i was intentional about everything i did i would be so awesome at life.  but how can i be intentional about things that scare me to death.  can my word me HIDE.
i know one thing to be true.  hes my friend jesus.  he is the one true constant.  hes always there for me and always brings me through.  he is the guiding light for me always.  it is easy for me to say this, but practically impossible for me to embrace and live.  i know who he is, i know he is there, i know he loves me.  but i want to know him more.  i am hungry to learn him.  to learn him like i never have before.  having a healthy strong relationship with christ is the key to a content life.  contentment in happiness, in sorrow, contentment in pain and in rejoicing.  its obvious i have terrible relationships with the humans in my life, and the one with my savior is just as fractured.  i could apply all my word suggestions to my relationship with jesus.  organize my studies and not just think reading a verse of the day on my phone counts as daily devotion time.  making knowledge my main focus, being a student of the word each day. intentionally and completely allowing the word of the lord to be what sustains me. to be the fuel for my life.  completely accepting that i am in gods family.  that i am his chosen one. that i am his beloved child, a princess, daughter of the king. and when the weight of the world and my shortfalls come at me from all angles and crush me, i can hide in him.  i can settle in his arms and allow him to take the sufferings i am enslaved by away.  should my word of the year be JESUS? i dont think i could live up to it.  and what if i say it would be and then dont follow through. i know i let him down anyway but to say it out loud and share it with the universe and then fall short in public.....
stupid word of the year.  all it does is make me realize what a train wreck i am.  maybe my word should just be DONUT. i know i can live up to that. i can rock the word donut like a champ. i wont let it down, i wont let myself down.  maybe it will give me confidence and make me think im not a total failure.... ill probably just get fatter. and that will start a whole new downward spiral.  dang it.
i have potential. i was created in christs' image.  i am intended for greatness. i am a masterpiece.  so what is my problem? what am i afraid of? what am i hiding from? why am i allowing myself to fall behind instead of bursting forward? why am i behaving like a loser instead of a winner? i feel afraid. of what i do not know. just afraid.  should my word be BRAVE?

brave - ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. 
endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear.

im afraid to be brave because i have seen the bottom of my various pits and its really scary and hard.  i am afraid to be brave because i have been a part of other people's pits and i know that anything can happen to me.  im afraid that if i give complete control of my life to god that the enemy will attack me where it hurts. what if by taking a stand for bravery i get attacked even harder?  

by being brave in my art house it could open up and tons of people will want to come there.  how will i handle that? by being brave in photography i might become successful and have no time for anything else.  by being brave with my family i will have to be a good mom and oh my word that will be so much work.  being a consistent parent? ugh. and a brave wife would mean i would have a whole list of things that i dont even want to imagine. being a brave student of christ would take away precious hours of time.  am i willing to be that unselfish? a brave friend would mean developing deep relationships with people.  i dont even know if i have time or energy for that.  being brave means i cant hide. i have to face life and the danger and pain it promises. being a brave jesus lover? standing up for who he is and what he promises..... talk about being persecuted.  who in the world is that brave? well, who except for phil robertson of course.  

i want to be brave, but im not ready to face and endure pain or danger.  and i have zero courage. 

what i want:

the art house to be fully functional and organized to its greatest potential.
to make enough money to pay half the family bills and be able to have extra to help people who need it.
to be proud of the photographs i take
to not have to do any office work
my kids to have at least one good life memory a week
to not be addicted to sugar 
to have muscles and no muffin top
to be the kind of friend that everyone wants
to be a devoted student of the bible
to have a relationship with jesus that surpasses everything else ive ever known
i want to be a really effective praying person
to eat delicious donuts at least once a week
i want to help women who suffer like i do
i want to live up to my potential
i want to not be stressed out with my schedule
to have time to crochet in the evenings
i want to do a couple things really well, not a lot of things decently
i want to be able to say no to things that i really like doing if it means i will be stressed out by my schedule
i want to be brave.

psalm 27:14 new king james 
wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, i say, on the lord!
 13 & 14 the message
Im sure now ill see Gods goodness in the exuberant earth.  stay with God! take heart.  dont quit.  ill say it again; stay with God.
14 new living translation
wait patiently for the lord.  be brave and courageous.  yes, wait patiently for the lord.  
14 new international version
wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the lord.

i think in order to be brave i have to rely on the lord. i think i have to wait on him. i dont really know what wait on the lord really actually means. but i am pretty sure that it would have something to do with me stepping back and not doing exactly what i want and letting god do what he intended.  i think i may be waiting on him now and because im not being brave and courageous it is sucking. i dont know what being brave even looks like right now.  i dont know how to take the first step.  i will start by praying and admitting defeat in front of jesus. i will give him the reins and allow him to lead me.  i will try to turn off the control button and get out of the drivers seat.  i will get in the backseat. and eat a donut. and if its not too late to announce my word of the year, id like to.  its BRAVE. 

Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf

Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf

Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Bravery#sthash.6cACeolE.dpuf