the beach, backdeck, and recliner

not sure how to even begin. its maddening... this brain of mine. it seems that weekly i am inspired and am positive that i will surely grab a hold and run with it, but no. alas, i have become so inundated with myself that inspiration is hardly enough anymore. i fear that i am so accustomed to inspiration that i have become numb to it. i compare this to waking up underneath the pelican lamp at the beach condo. jumping out of bed and running down to the ocean with a quickness i do not experience when the 6:30 alarm sounds on a school day in kentucky.  i want to soak up every possible moment of the view of the white sand, the aquamarine stretch of ocean, the generous scattering of little purple clam shells, the delicate white foam of the surf.  it is SO spectacular and SO amazing, i often get a little bitter about it. here is my thought process..."these lucky people that get to live here, i bet they dont even KNOW what they have. they have lived here their whole life and they dont even realize how good they have it.  jerks.  if I lived here, I would appreciate it every second." i have even been so bold as to entertain the thought that "i would even be closer to god if i lived here." how could one NOT be when they are standing at the gate of heaven while they stand at the ocean's edge? 
im an idiot. if i am so blessed, i get to go to the beach for one week out of the year. i stay in a plush condo with a ridiculously awesome pool, hot tub and smoothie station, ok fine, a beach bar, whatever nestled exactly on the sand just yards from the waters edge. its the perfect weather, we go to restaurants for deeelishous food i didnt have to cook. we walk to the shake shop for cool treats. we have no agenda, no deadlines, no commitments... of course i could elevate myself to a place where i am smarter than a floridian to recognize the beauty and ridiculous awesomeness of the beach that they can't, because i am not there when the 6:30 alarm for school goes off. im not there when the windows have to have boards screwed into the sides of the houses because a storm is coming that may destroy their homes. im not there when its 110 degrees and the air conditioning breaks.  of course those people know how amazing it is there. im thinking that is PROBABLY why they live there. again. im an idiot.

yes. this is amazing.

fuhgetaboutit.
its wicked cool.
but guess what i forgot? i forgot about this....

 and this...

what i see every morning when i take the kids to school.  and this...

THAT, that is my backyard.
countless people have visited and proclaimed majesty in my kitchen. ive heard them lay down a deal with themselves that repeats quite like mine to the beach. "oh my... if I lived here i would stare at this all day long" "if i had this in my backyard i would come here and read my bible and revel in gods glory." i wonder if those holy rollers secretly think im a jerk because they are CERTAIN i dont appreciate it... WELL....it can be my own secret that i actually do know its there, that i often stop and enjoy it, BUT i do not read my bible there. i hardly ever bask in gods glory there. in fact, i hardly EVER read my bible. and i hardly EVER bask in gods glory.  i have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many opportunities. i just never take them. like being inspired and ignoring it. when i hear a GREAT song on klove and god tells me to write something about it and all i do is just jot it down on my notepad in my phone under "blog ideas", if even i do that.  like when i go to bed at night i tell myself that when i get up in the morning i am GOING to sit in the recliner and do my devotion but the reality is that i drag out of bed like a reluctant  child and rush the kids to school and come home and just "really quick" check my phone and then have to text about 14 times because it's really important and it will only take a second and while im texting i think of something and know that for SURE if i dont check online about it that it will be on my mind throughout my entire devotion and surely that wont be quality time with jesus because i will have a distracted mind (gasp! the sacrilege!) yet always ending up on stupid pinterest or etsy and then sophie wakes up and then ive texted 21 more times and then i have to go get groceries or do some laundry or crochet a hat (gotta check pinterest again to make sure i am making the cutest hat possible) run to the store or teach art class or bake a cake or sew a blanket or edit photos or crap i just accidentally watched the whole episode of baby story with sophie..... then i have to go pick up the kids than i have to do stuff that i dont even remember i did then i have to make supper and then i finally sit in the recliner. but i play drawsomething or watch tv or text 184,000 more times, or just fall asleep. and do you know what happens? hang on, i weep at the thought.......


i abandon my poppa.
i declare to him that i wasnt actually worth dieing for. i dont appreciate his suffering, i dont accept his gift of grace. he is sitting in the recliner waiting for me. so excited to get to spend time with me. just giddy with apprehension at the thought of me curling up beside him. me opening my bible and pouring over the pages with him and he can explain every word to me and give me fresh understanding.  this is his greatest desire. and i dont appreciate it.
I am the beach. he lives in me. he KNOWS the beauty that i have. he jumps up every morning and rushes to that recliner like there aint no 6:30 school alarm clock, just to sit with  me. and im the fool that lives at the beach and doesnt even know it.
and im also the fool that leaves him sitting in my recliner. dont i know i can take him with me everywhere i go? dont i know that if i hide his word in my heart i take his light with me? the times i am rushing about and giving my self aneurisms  because i dont know how im going to make it through my "oh so terrible life"... the times i walk by my backyard view and dont even know it. or even worse, the times i stand at my back deck and wish i lived at the beach....the times i dont appreciate the splendor of gods majesty because i think its better somewhere else.   the few moments i spend with jesus in the mornings only allows him to stay with me throughout the day. the truths i read about in his book stay fresh on me and allow him to be my flashlight as i stumble through that "terrible life" i just referred to above.  he cant ever get up from the recliner and follow me because i never invited him to. my invitation to him was that empty promise of "i am GOING to get up and do my devotion in the morning..."
jesus, my redeemer, my savior, i beg of you. please let me see myself more as the idiot i have allowed myself to be so that i can better see you sitting in the soft glow of the lamp beside the recliner in the early morning. make my mind available so that i can remove what hinders your word from absorbing into my heart.  scatter your fresh understanding in me like little purple clam shells that stud the sand under the ocean's surf.  quiet my soul so that i can revel in your splendor. the splendor that is my life. you made me as beautiful as the beach... my jesus, give me fresh eyes to appreciate it.  how i love you oh lord. how i am humbled in the truth that even though i ignore you, you are an unchanging god of mercy and grace and you never tire of my texting instead of devotion. that you are always there for me and always available. i want my relationship with you to be better, stronger, more substantial. god, i plead, make your conviction on me stronger. pour your spirit over me heavily.  make the desire of your heart be the desire of my heart. i bask in your glory. amen.